Trump’s Hair of the American Dog!

Naughty restaurant rats

In the comical, 2017 Pixar cartoon Ratatouille, a culinarily skilled Rat turns a clumsy and lowly restaurant garbage boy into a master Chef. To everyone, from the kitchen staff to the restaurant’s guest, Alfredo Linguini displays the dexterity and talent of a Michelin star, cordon bleu Chef. Little do they know, it is Remy the Rat pulling the strings, or rather strands, while concealed in Linguini’s ginger red hair. He can control Linguini’s movements by pulling his hair, much like the reins of a horse.

Image by 3282700 from Pixabay

From Remy as Commander in Chef to the current US Commander in Chief, one wonders if President Donald Trump has a Rat of his own buried in his blonde pompadour comb over. From appearances alone, the Rat or whatever the creature could be, may not be hiding at all. President Trump could very well be bald as an 8 ball with a bleached skunk resting on his scalp, whispering orders ongeo politics and twitter tweets.

For Trump, who is regularly goaded by celebrity catfights and satirical jabs, especially those directed at his unique hair, it is not out of the realm of possibility that his hair takes offense. At its best the offended hair creature simply hits back with a tweet or statement and at worse it lets the anger influence domestic policy decisions and international affairs.

According to political expert and patriot Alex Jones who, heard from a guy that knows a guy that knows a source in the White House, the whole build a wall business to keep the Mexicans out was over an overly spicy burrito that caused Trump heartburn and severe burning bodily expulsions in other areas. After a few days recovery Trump confronted the El Paso Burrito restaurant owner and an equally heated exchange occurred. The owner, originally from Oaxaca Mexico, insulted Trump by calling his hair a corn husk and Trump stormed out solemnly swearing “I will build an impenetrable wall to keep you and your chilis out. Mark my word.” Trump later tweeted I’ll Passo on this El Paso burrito joint. Only makes America ‘grate’ cheap cheese.

According to Alex Jones’ source of a source, his hair whispered those words. These hair creatures have always existed in history as an influence in world affairs. It is no surprise that the CIA attempted to dust the shoes of Cuban leader Fidel Castro with Thallium Salts in order to make his iconic beard fall out. There could be untold plots of a similar nature against Trump’s hair or that of other powerful figures.

Creepy Vladimir Putin
Image by klimkin from Pixabay

Occasionally President Trump changes his shampoo or hair product, and his pompadour takes umbrage. This explains the frequent erratic and unbelievable statements and actions of Trump. The result is a completely different looking hairstyle, followed by unbelievable comments. Recently, Trump stayed at a hotel where all they had in the shower was Herbal Essences. Trump’s hair demands either Pantene Pro V or TRESemmé. After lathering, a source in the President’s secret service who stood guard outside the Presidential bathroom, overhead the hair groan and state “Oh, I think I will buy Greenland.”

Shortly after, Trump announced these intentions publicly. Chief Executive Officer Steve Bannon and National Security Advisor John Bolton use to be the hair’s handlers. And the hair and the two handlers enjoyed an amicable and productive relationship, from winning the US presidential election to making millions of dollars to relaxing rounds of golf. However, like the creature once brought to life by Dr. Frankenstein rebels and destroys, the hair turned on them and ordered each fired from the administration.

After this the hair has gone rogue, unpredictable and uncontrollable. It has even spawned world twins, such as the bushy caterpillars above Brazilian president’s Jair Bolsonaro’s eyebrows that recently insulted the appearance of the French First Lady and refused aid to extinguish the destructive Amazonian wildfires.

A logical person may ask why Trump and other World leaders, like Kim Jong-Un who is influenced by his nose hairs, listen to these remora type creatures. The simple answer is that they are one and the same. These creatures have a knack for gaining and keeping power, the ultimate goal of these men. Over time their fibers have literally imbedded into each of these world leaders and are part of who they are and what they do. Shaving them off of plucking them out risks the leader’s power and wealth, something they would never consider.

President Obama cleverly kept his shaved close to the root and stayed in control. He learned from his fellow democrat and former president Clinton, who had an amorous minx in his hair, not too let the creature get too unruly. With how beloved Obama appears in general, this buzz cut tactic seems to have done the trick. Sadly, the lovable creature in his youthful Afro was seen as too cool for the halls of power and certain voters in the American public and so sacrifices had to be made to win the election.

POTUS President Donald Trump
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

For those wanting to see the true nature of world leaders, there are countless representations that are both comical and frightening. South Park, for instance, consistently parodies the US government and other bombastic world leader.

Another great place to find political satire is at online casino sites that have a variety of satire themed military casino slots. For instance, Red Tiger’s ‘Rocket Men’ slot, Elk Studio’s ‘Platooners’ online, Leander Game’s ‘KGB Bears’, and Microgaming’s ‘Major Millions’, will have you chuckling at seeing the inflated ego of leaders and power structures reduced in size. These online slots are also incredibly easy to play with 5 reels, around 4 wager rows, paylines, and features with bonus round that award many chances to win real money. These online slot sites also often take a mobile first design, so that the gameplay is fully compatible on any smartphone or portable device. Having a laugh at world leaders is very important at a time when world leaders rarely laugh at themselves and are incredibly sensitive with delicate egos.

Weapons of mass destruction and violence Cheongwadae / Blue House [KOGL Type 1], via Wikimedia Commons
The future of President’s Trump’s erratic hair remains shrouded in mystery. As it has become part of Trump and his trademark, it is likely that the hair is staying right there on his orange coloured head. Eventually the hair will lose its power and start to thin. Once it falls off and is swept into the dustbin of history, then people can see the ‘leader’ of Trump for all that he claims to be.

Trump Toupee
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Naughty restaurant rats
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay


Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.