Tag Archive | "vatican"

Megachurch Enterpreneur Launches Hostile Takeover of Vatican


Pope Francis has recently denounced the efforts by notable megachurch entrepreneur Merle Swaggett to buy out the Vatican and run the Church on a more modern basis:

The Catholic Church has been around for a fairly long time, but there are some who envy our long track record of spiritual and material success. Read the full story

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Vatican Wafer Gate


Wikileaks has done it again. The release of 3.4 billion database searchable electronic records is reverberating around the Internet with many new stunning revelations.

The latest to be revealed is a series of directives between the US and the Vatican. In what appears to be a quid pro quo, it appears that a deal was struck whereby the Justice Department would “be soft” in prosecuting abusive priests and let the church deal with them in return for letting a GMO ingredient into their communion wafer.

This was only for North American Catholic churches and began during the millennium crisis. Read the full story

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Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime


It seems not everybody is charmed by Pope Francis. Indeed, one prominent US politician, Nancy Pelosi, is planning very stern measures to punish what she considers to be the brutal and savage policies and order of governance by His Holiness.

In a tearful Youtube video that Britney Spears has already endorsed, Pelosi explains: “The Church humiliated me™ because of my Principled Liberal Moral Stances™. Read the full story

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Pope Francis Announces Closing of Church


The planet breathed a sigh of relief today as Pope Francis finally announced the official closing of the Catholic Church and End of All Christianity.

In a largely unanticipated statement, Pope Francis once again departed from papal tradition when he continued his recent trend of demonstrating a moderately sane perception of the states of society and religion in general and Christianity in particular by announcing that henceforth there shall be no Christianity whatsoever, as the act of worshipping had become so perverted throughout history as to warrant the abolition of such behaviors altogether. Read the full story

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Rush Limbaugh blasts Pope Francis and the Jesus he rode in on


Responding to Pope Francis’s warning that the “idolatry of money” leads to a “new tyranny,” the conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh spoke on behalf of the demonic powers that govern the material world and that only genuine followers of Jesus can detect.

Just seven or eight such followers currently reside in the United States and when they listen to Limbaugh speak on the radio they report hearing “the howling of the damned” in the background. Read the full story

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Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately


VATICAN CITY- Allegations arose today as some parents of affected children have come out and told reporters about the lack of abuse shown to their children, directly correlated to Pope Francis.

“When he kisses them, it’s on their forehead, and always followed by a blessing or a prayer,” says one Catholic watchdog reporter. “It’s unlike anything we have ever seen before. Benedict at least had that Nazi youth look in his eye when he was around children, with this guy, there’s nothing.” Read the full story

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Catholic Priests Terrorize Italy’s Youth


Terror in Italy this morning as hundreds of Catholic priests descend upon the Vatican. Italian Mister of Defense Giampaolo di Paola has imposed a strict curfew and parents are being encouraged to keep their children indoors until the threat has passed.

Authorities are uncertain of the cause of the sudden swarm of holy men but it appears to have something to do with replacing their recently deposed leader. Read the full story

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Vatican Construction Unearths Corpse, Believed To Be Hoffa


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Were the Pope and His Boss not Getting Along?


According to the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI resigned for health reasons. However, this reporter has learned that there may be more to the story.

RIGHT: Pope Benedict XVI tenders his resignation. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Christmas Moved to February


After years of complaining by stressed out shoppers and overworked retailers, the Catholic Church has finally moved the year’s most important holiday. From now on, Christmas will be celebrated in early February.

Despite the doctrine of papal infallibility, the Church of Rome has accepted that Pope Gregory XIII blew it back in 1582 when he decreed his new calendar. Christmas and New Year’s should never have been jammed together at the end of the year. Read the full story

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Micro-Religions Gain Market Share to Chagrin of Mega-Churches


This year’s Nielsen Prayer Ratings, considered an important indicator of sociological trends, put numbers to anticipated demographic shifts, yet contained surprises too.

While “Please don’t let her be pregnant” prayers showed expected growth among males 18-25, the 2011 NPR garnered controversy and condemnation among traditional ‘big box’ religious outlets. The study shows a decided move towards secularism. Seen as even more troubling by religion providers is a market share gain for non-mainstream sects. Read the full story

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Shocking Truth Behind Highest Level Religious Moves Towards Social Media


THE VATICAN, ROME —BobZaguy Socio-political similarities have surfaced between the two most famous world-class conservative church leaders who publicly don’t seem to pay much mind to each other.
However, two bone-shaking statements were made a few days apart by the two men and have most of the world’s religious pundits looking for a pin to stand on. Read the full story

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Mitre Spins as Vatican Does Safety Dance U-Turn


The mother Church of Christendom was roiled this week by excerpts from a new book by Pope Benedict LVMCIII. The book, “Because I said So” has stirred controversy due to several passages wherein the Pontiff clarifies condom use.

Somewhere in chapter XVII of the lengthy tome, Benedict writes the following: Read the full story

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Holy Grail Found Inside Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark


Astounding news continues from a Hong Kong based group of evangelical archeologists. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of Noah’s Ark on Mt. Ararat. Detailed work at the site has now uncovered the most precious relics of Christendom. Read the full story

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The Pope Faces A Day In Court


VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — A leading Atheist Richard Dawkins has hinted on the possibility of suing the Pope on child abuse cover ups in the Catholic church when he was Cardinal. This revelation has not led to a proper response yet. So, while the Vatican has, thus far, ignored Dawkins and says it’s a virtual impossibility, Catholics all over the world have voiced their contempt. Read the full story

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Pope Allegedly Uses Lord’s Name in Vain


VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — Media outlets are buzzing as sources inside the Vatican are beginning to approach the press with scandalous information about Pope Benedict XVI. Apparently several papal aides, who wish to remain anonymous, claim that the Vicar of Christ routinely uses the Lord’s name in vain. Read the full story

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