Desperate Trump Eats Xi Jinping Look-Alike on Stage at Nevada Rally.

In a bizarre right wing rally stunt that went tragically wrong, self-proclaimed ‘greatest man that ever lived’ and Commander-in-Chief president Donald Trump ate a Xi Jinping look-alike live on stage at his latest red neck rally. 

Traditionally news reporters at this point would add the phrase ‘in front of a horrified crowd’ but in this case it would not apply. Far from being repulsed, the crowd of Trump worshippers screamed, not with horror, but with delight at the president’s grossly offensive antics.

The rally, which took place in Nevada, was attended by a small but vocal bunch of Trump fanatics, each one either clutching a semi automatic rifle, a handgun, or a chubby baby. No masks were worn, though they should have been. Most of the red necks’ were butt ugly, as were their wives and kids.

Aware that his popularity is down the toilet and that he is heading for a merciless trouncing in the November election, Trump organized what should have been a poll bolstering ‘David Copperfield’ style illusion. The purpose was to reinforce his image as the international ‘hard man’ of trade.

It was planned that a Xi Jinping look-alike would walk onto the stage and start berating Trump in an argument about dumb American shavers – a theme plagiarized from the upcoming MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) podcast.

The plan was that the Xi Jinping look-alike walks onto the stage and stands above a secret trap door. There he berates Trump for being a dumb, adulterous, narcissistic, hooker using, incompetent, racist crook. At the end of his tirade a flash cap was to explode and, hidden behind a cloud of smoke, the look-alike drops through the stage trap door.

At this point Trump was to open his mouth wide and chomp down on the diminutive Chinaman. As the smoke cleared the observer would be left with the impression that Trump had gobbled up the Chinese president in a single bite.

It was hoped that the imagery would be that Trump was the more powerful of the two great nation’s leaders should they ever have a one-on-one fight – again a theme lifted shamelessly from the imminent podcast MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction).

However, on the night two things happened simultaneously. The trap door failed to open and the flash-capsule / smoke bomb failed to ignite. The president was left standing beside the diminutive Xi Jinping look-alike who had no choice but to continue his rant, adding that Trump was an ultra-right wing supremacist who had brought the country to its knees with his abysmally incompetent handling of the Covid 19 crisis.

He further added that the ‘small handed’ stupid f*ckwit had the blood of over 220,000 American lives on his hands, and that his wife wasn’t human but a sex-bot (another theme stolen from MAD), his son-in-law Jared Kushner was a human-lizard hybrid (again pinched from MAD) and his daughter, Ivanka, was the only person on the planet that had accomplished being greedy, vain, corrupt and power hungry with being as thick as a brick – (yes, you’ve guessed it – another theme stolen from MAD).

Faced with the verbal onslaught and not wanting to look pathetic in front of his supporters, Trump had no choice but to bite down on the vertically challenged Xi Jinping look-alike.

Unfortunately, president Trump has a mouth the shape of a baboon’s butt. The consequence of this was that the president’s first bite did not completely consume the little chap. It merely took a lump out of the Chinaman’s head. The president, to avoid looking like a moron, had no choice but to continue chomping down. There followed a ten minute period of frenzied flesh tearing, bone crunching, and blood spurting at the end of which the Chinese short-ass had been completely consumed.

The crowd were in a frenzy, cheering and whooping, and would have continued like that had the president not stepped over to the microphone and crowed, “I feel so powerful I’ll walk down there and kiss everyone in that audience. I’ll kiss the guys and the beautiful women and the…everybody. I’ll give you a big fat kiss.”

At this point the president’s face and clothes were soaked in the blood from the now deceased Chinaman. Shreds of the recently departed look-alike’s flesh were still hanging from the president’s tiny, razor-sharp teeth.

There was panic in the room as the red necks, not knowing what to do, started stampeding towards the exits, firing bursts from their guns (just because they like doing that).

Following the event, Trump’s new campaign manager, Beppo the sad faced clown, was distraught when asked about the debacle.

“It wasn’t supposed to go like that,” he sobbed, “It was an illusion we planned to perform at all the remaining pre-election rallies. What now? Where am I going to find another Xi Jinping look-alike? Chinamen aren’t cheap!”

On hearing of the tragedy, a bemused spokesman for Xi Jinping said, “What? He actually ate the stunt-double? No big deal. We’ve got millions more like him.”

Author: David Smith

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