In an outstanding piece of investigative journalism carried out by UK gardening magazine Thyme’s roving reporter Ms Tildy Truth, it has been discovered that Fox News’ claim of a secret ‘final’ debate between the two presidential hopefuls was a lie.
The original news story, released to the press by Fox’s spokeswoman, Ms Dizzy Spell, claimed that a secret final head-to-head debate had taken place between the Democrats presidential hopeful Joe Biden and President Donald Trump. Fox claimed that both men, desperate to win over the swing voters in key electoral states, had agreed to the final confrontation ahead of polling day. However, both had insisted on preconditions that had to be met ahead of the debate.
Joe Biden required Trump to wear a mock Superman costume throughout the debate, a reference to Trump’s claim that following his treatment for Covid 19 he was now immune to everything on the planet except kryptonite (a fictional material emanating from the non-existent planet of Krypton).
In turn Trump had insisted that Biden wear a clown’s outfit for the debate. This is in reference to the fact that in his youth Biden had trained and worked as a circus clown before trying his hand at politics. Ms Spell claimed that both men had agreed to the other’s preconditions. However, both behaved so appallingly throughout the debate that Fox had decided not to broadcast the encounter, primarily because their ‘man’ Trump emerged looking like a loud-mouthed dumb bully.
Fox further claimed that a transcript of the encounter somehow found its way into the hands of the ace cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano who had immediately put it into the public domain.
However, smelling a proverbial rat, ace investigative journalist Tildy Truth met up with the young lad from The Beano for a ‘swift beer.’ It transpired that the young cub reporter had no knowledge whatsoever of any Trump / Biden debate, a transcript of said debate, or even Fox news. In fact the young man could confirm that he had spend the period during which the transcript was released into the public domain in his Mum’s basement watching a boxed set of the TV hit series ‘Game of Thrones.’ His buddies confirmed this to be true but asked that their names not be divulged as they were all supposed do be doing their homework and their mothers would ‘kick their collective asses’ if they found out.
Ms Truth then invited Fox’s Ms Spell to a private meeting to discuss the matter. It was during this meeting that the truth emerged. Fox’s Ms Spell broke down in tears and confessed that a debate had taken place but what happened was not as described in the version released. Ms Spells had been told to release the fictional transcript as a) only Trump turned up in fancy dress – a clown prisoner’s costume, and b) Biden had ‘wiped the floor’ with the lying, narcissistic, adulterous, misogynistic, hooker-using, orange faced ass-hole (her description of Trump).
Ms Spell then, in a career suicidal move, handed over the true transcript of what happened during the encounter. This is produced verbatim below.
QUESTIONER – Good evening America and welcome to viewers coast to coast for our head to head debate between the Republican and Democrat nominees for the presidency, and the final chance before the polls open to see the two candidates in action. On the left we have the Democrats hopeful Senator Joe Biden. And on the right we have the Republican candidate, for some obscure reason dressed as a circus clown in prison clothes, President Donald J Trump… Okay, question number one. This goes to you first, Joe Biden… What makes you the better candidate for the presidency?
Trump – I’ll take this one. I’m the greatest human being that ever lived, fact! Beat that you grey haired old mutant.
Biden – Shut up you clown!
(At this point Trump’s patina of the hard man crumbled and he burst out in floods of tears).
Trump – I’m sorry everyone… I’m a complete frickin’ fraud. I don’t know how I’ve gotten away with it for so long. I’ve screwed up Covid big style. I’m a useless piece of sh*t! It’s only my lying keeps me in the job. You’d be a much better president, Joe…Can I call you uncle?
(At this point Fox cut the broadcast, and sent a team of Human Resources managers running through the studio forcing everyone there to sign punitive Non Disclosure Agreements on pain of losing their jobs).
It is understood that Ms Truth has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize in journalism.