In a desperate move to salvage his presidential re-election hopes, the leader of the free world, Commander-in-Chief and self-confessed greatest man that ever lived, Donald Trump has sacked his current campaign manager. In a last ditch attempt to salvage his failing re-election campaign and win votes, Trump has appointed the man behind the upcoming podcast series MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) and ex circus performer Beppo the sad faced clown.
“Despite my best efforts to try and come across as not insane, I’m haemorrhaging votes to Biden from the left and centre. Fortunately the dumb red necks still believe all the crap I vomit out. If it wasn’t for those well armed bozos I’d have thrown the towel in weeks ago,” said a crestfallen Trump to a hastily assembled press pack on the socially super-spreading lawn of The White House.
The president then added, “So, I’ve sacked one clown (Bill Stipien) and appointed another. Hopefully Beppo will have a better grip on reality.”
When quizzed by the cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano as to why he’d made the switch, Trump barked, “Look! I am the greatest president, lover, businessman, athlete, male model, and liar in history, fact! But the message just wasn’t getting across. Despite being a magnificent genius, people just don’t like me, the dumb-asses! They should like me at least as much as I do. It should be the law. But we live in a so-called democracy, right? So, I have to find a way to get liked and frickin’ quick. An aide showed me a copy of the script for this new podcast, MAD. I laughed till I literally had an accident down south. Then the idea hit me. People love to laugh, right? So, if this guy was my speechwriter then I’m a shoe-in. When I found out Beppo used to be a circus clown, then it was a no-brainer. Everybody loves a circus, right?…bears on roller skates, and shit like that.”
The president went on to inform the press pack that Beppo would be starting his new role with immediate effect, then stepped down from the podium and kissed every one of the journalists in the room on the lips, quipping, “Let’s find out how infectious I really am, guys!”
The investigative journalist from the UK gardening magazine Thyme managed to track down Beppo (aka David Smith) at his home in Florida. The ex circus clown was carrying out much needed repairs on his car.
“I have to do this after every trip,” bemoaned Beppo, “For some reason the doors fall off, chickens fly out from under the engine and it belches smoke. Also, as soon as I switch the windscreen wipers on a custard pie hits me in the face.”
Wiping sloppy custard from his face, Beppo enthused about his new appointment as Trump’s campaign manager.
“Trump’s re-election bid is clearly going down the pipes. I will revitalize and re-energize it, and hopefully add the impetus needed to push him over the line in November.”
When pressed for details, Beppo boasted the following planned action:
A ‘hate’ campaign of fake news stories against Joe Biden. Beppo handed over a sheet of paper with his initial thoughts scribbled down in spider-like handwriting. These included the following spoof headlines:
Biden plans to nuke Santa’s grotto – don’t expect Christmas presents kids!
Biden is Putin / Hitler / Attila the Hun / Vlad the Impaler / Lex Luthor / someone even nastier ( to be determined later) in disguise.
Biden scandal! – He doesn’t pay any taxes! (may have to re-think this one).
Biden is a narcissist / megalomaniac / adulterer / nepotistic / greedy / racist / uses hookers / has affairs with porn stars / has tiny hands / lies and lies and lies and lies! (…may have to re-think this one too).
Biden looks like Jim Carrey (Haha!)
Biden had a big black fly land on his silvery hair in a televised debate! (…or was that someone else?).
Biden is made to look a complete idiot as the spoof president Donald Dump in the upcoming podcast MAD… or is that Trump?
The sad faced clown then snatched the paper back, barking, “That’s enough. I have a ton of work to do so beat it!”
Beppo then spun on his heels, accidentally put his foot in a bucket of wallpaper paste and clattered off into his house.
Presidential hopeful Joe Biden was tracked down to his nuclear bomb proof and bio-hazard secure basement shelter and asked if he was concerned about Trump’s new appointment and the impending mis-information hate campaign Beppo is planning against him.
“Beppo?” mumbled Biden, “Isn’t he that clown guy that wrote MAD? I like him. He’s funny. Can I go watch TV now?”