God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.

“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”

As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group. Read the full story

A group of faithful prayer warriors, armed with nothing more than their bibles and a long history of religious indoctrination, are slowly returning to their normal lives after what they describe as their victory over evil.

They find vindication for their methods in the death of Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez in a battle that spanned 14 years and his four successful elections. Read the full story

The Pope’s sudden decision to retire has caused many of the members of the College of Cardinals to criticize his intentions. Many don’t believe the retirement fund contains any resources for an actual retired Pope, and there are many that are already referring to him as the newest member of the 47%.

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.

“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”

Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell.

“Everything in the Mormon scriptures and the Bible tell me I’m the one to lead the end times”, a smiling Romney stated as he glanced at himself in a mirror. “My life is so important and so wonderful, I can’t tell you!”

Some people interviewed expressed reservations about Romney’s declaration. “That guy scares the shit out of me!” said New York bartender Sal Jennings. “I don’t want some fruitcake who believes in Armageddon to have his finger on the nuclear trigger!”

“He’s a bartender”, Romney said in reference to Jennings’ statement. “Are you going to trust a bartender or a wealthy, highly successful former governor and businessman?”

Some Republicans said they were going to convert to Mormonism in advance of Romney’s election. “I want to be one of the ones saved!” said Arizona security consultant Stan Beecher. “I was Jewish but now I’m gonna be a Mormon and I’m gonna feel the Rapture! I can hardly wait!”

Mormon church leader Hal Oaks simply said, “I wish Romney would shut the fuck up!”

I had a limited understanding of Mormons, those of the Latter Day Saints faith, prior to 2012 when Romney became the Republican nominee… but now that he’s out there front and center, I have some serious questions to ask you guys.

I knew a few Mormons in high school, a few more in college, and a bigger handful since becoming an adult. Here’s what I would say from my experience with Mormons up until that point. Read the full story

NEW YORK, NY—Comedians and “Fake News” Correspondents across the nation have been unable to produce any suitable material to satirize Tennessee’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill that advanced in the state’s Senate last month.

“It’s like they created the bill just to f**k with us,” one editor from The Onion told reporters, “I mean, we can’t think of anything more absurd than the proposed law itself. Read the full story

Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces.

“Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full right now just trying to make the new gay policy happen. We’ve asked Congress for money to buy bigger plates, but that’s stuck in conference right now, so we messed up. I know it’s an honored tradition in the military since World War Two, there are no ‘atheists in foxholes’ but turns out there is one.” Read the full story

“Why are we here?”
“What is the meaning of life?”
“What’s the ultimate purpose of life?”
“Where are we headed as human beings?”
“Is there a God — a personal God as religion states?”

It is quite useless and senseless to ask these questions or hope for an definite answer since all of those who came before us for thousands of years were not able answer them. And also there are no “Real” answers to the value-laden questions that ever eludes our understanding and ever escapes our grasps. Read the full story

Raisin, TX-The East Texas town of Raisin has found itself in a predictable predicament culminating from the holier-than-thou atmosphere that often pervades small towns across the United States.

When you approach Raisin, a town of 2500 that sits in a dale along a two-lane highway, a gigantic weathered sign depicts an intimate close-up of a strikingly Aryan Jesus on what is arguably one of his worst days. Read the full story

THE VATICAN, ROME —BobZaguy Socio-political similarities have surfaced between the two most famous world-class conservative church leaders who publicly don’t seem to pay much mind to each other.
However, two bone-shaking statements were made a few days apart by the two men and have most of the world’s religious pundits looking for a pin to stand on. Read the full story

Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Read the full story

Lexington, VA (GlossyNews) — In a strange twist, the giant oil slick invading the Gulf Coast has blamed the capitalist pimp and preacher, known as Pat Robertson, for creating it.

“I don’t know what everyone is so upset about.“ said the humongous oil slick, when we finally caught up with it off the coast of Louisiana. “Your modern religious dogma that thinks wealth and riches are the way to heaven Read the full story

Austin, TX (GlossyNews) — Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a tawdry attempt to poison the jury pool when the lawsuits start flying over the BP oil spill, has announced the oil well blowout in the Gulf of Mexico is “an act of God,“ while sticking to his former position that gay people are an abomination.

“It is true,” said Perry, “that an act of God is not covered by insurance policies and when it comes to a lawsuit, you can’t sue anyone over an act of God, but that has nothing to do with my statement. Read the full story

Noplace, Ecuador (GlossyNews) — A young Christian missionary, chomping at the bit and excited that a fresh field of new pygmy souls was ripe for harvest, was distressed to find that a National Geographic photographer paid tribe members less than eight dollars each for their souls not two months before his arrival.

With Bible in tow, Christian Missionary, Jonah Thompson, was found standing in the soulless remains of a pygmy tribe outside of Ecuador, watching what looked like normal tribe activity Read the full story

Utrecht, Holland (GlossyNews) — At the risk of raising the ire of religious straight people worldwide, Barend Hardwinkel, Gay Sexpert from Amsterdam, Netherlands has written in his new book, Move Over, Mary, that, “Yes, God is definitely gay.“

In an interview punctuated with controversy, Hardwinkel laid out his case:

“Look-I’ll make it easy for you. From day one God’s been on fire. She is very creative, which is a sure sign of gayness. Big poofy clouds, sparkly stars, sprinkly snow, outrageous sunsets Read the full story