Tag Archive | "Religionism"

God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged


It’s often asserted that messages from God can appear in mysterious places…

You know, the Madonna popping up in cheese sandwiches, Lady Gaga helping us see the light, Bible/Quran/Dianetics texts being found in the veins of tomatoes…

Although admittedly, the more fastidious believers tend to have violently assertive theological disagreements™ about which God is sending out the messages..

And, needless to say, about which messages (on the contrary) are forgeries by misguided and unenlightened rival believers™.

However, the other day, the roles were reversed. When slicing up a cucumber for a nice, pleasant Eternal-Sunday Lunch, God was at first shocked, and then intrigued, to see a message from All Humanity, cunningly concealed within the vegetable.

The message reads as follows:

Some of us have just had it up to here with some of your followers. We don’t mind people following you, but there is a hardcore contingent of your people who are really messing things up for us. Please would you just get these people off our backs?

At first, God was wary of this:

My first thought was, hmmmm…. A message from All Humanity concealed within a cucumber? That’s ridiculous. It must be a coincidence. Am I risking falling into confirmation bias, or something? I was pretty sceptical about it; you know, an omniscient being can’t merely accept just anything as true, merely because it sounds plausible.

So… the three of us (well, technically speaking, the one of us ) conferred together, and we were sceptical at first. But in the end, We agreed to make a statement clarifying My position.

Well, we wish to make it clear that anyone who wishes to follow Us is free to do so. Anyone who doesn’t, should be left alone. I am The Truth, and I actually value integrity and honesty from the individuals who are of my own Creation, rather than blind subservience.

However, a Joint Solidarity Statement, signed by various Megachurch Pastors, Ayatollahs, Hardcore Catholics, Ultra-Orthodox Jews, Hindutva Fundamentalists, and various assorted Circle-Jerking True Believers™ informs us:

“This is self-evidently a fake. You shouldn’t believe everything you hear about God, just because the person speaking is somehow slick and genial; or even because he threatens you with eternal hellfire if you don’t believe him.”

Well… can’t argue with you there. Still, I just wish everybody in this world knew that.

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God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”


DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking.

“Following peer-reviewed religious principles and dogma, it is clear to me that the possibility of a Stephen Hawking existing is much less than remotely plausible. Religion offers a much more convincing explanation for the origins of the universe and, quite frankly, the existence of a Stephen Hawking simply is not compatible with My miracles.” Read the full story

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H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context


Everybody knows that unlike all the “Abrahamic Religions”™ like Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, Rastafarianism, etc., Buddhism is in a class of its own.

But why? Obviously, because people belonging to all other religions have practiced patriarchy, homophobia, racism, and the odd spot of religious persecution…

On the other hand, as every herb-smoking New Age traveler knows in their heart, Buddhism is the one religion on earth where there has never been a war, or any sort of persecution, prejudice or discrimination whatsoever.

However, this universally acknowledged common sense fact is becoming increasingly difficult to square with some of the more erratic rulings recently attributed to the entirely authoritative and infallible teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, known to countless beer-addled student activists as H.H.

(No, I mean really infallible, not like the Pope, who is only called infallible; and who is not ACTUALLY infallible. Learn the difference, chip!)

Well, what did the world’s most peaceful, non-discriminatory, and non-political religious leader have to say that has provoked such opprobrium? The Dalai Lama has stated that looting, pillaging and burning villages may be acceptable in a military context if it is not done in a spirit of rage and malice.

“Now, as I have so often said, my way is a middle way™. If you are motivated to commit some kind of war atrocity out of fear, anger or a general negative attitude™ towards the villagers, this is bad karma™, indeed a serious error.

“Yes, this will considerably hinder your progress (unless, perhaps, an enlightened figure will bestow some merit on you). But if your action is motivated by compassion™, or at least by a certain detachment™, a dispassionate motivation™, then your action may have few or no negative karmic consequences™.”

These remarks have caused outrage among many observers; at least among some people who are not currently in a soporific George-Harrison-LP-induced daze. An anonymous source in China says:

“Well, we have been telling the world for years about this man, about how he is a liar and a charlatan. Now the mask has slipped, and he has shown his true colors. Maybe now fewer people will be fooled.”

Still, Richard Gere has stepped up to defend his buddy and spiritual comrade-in-arms:

“You know, it shows you how little respect people have for His Holiness when people are queuing up to disparage him™ in this way. This is a man of peace™, you know like Nelson Mandela, Che Guevara, Hugo Chavez, Kim Il-Sung, all these people.”

Well, OK. Glad that’s settled then.

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Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite


Cult orca handler and rider Pastor Jamie Coots died early Friday morning after being bitten in half by a killer whale during a non sanctioned religious service at Sea World. The ardent Pentecostal minister preached whales will not harm true believers if they are anointed by God. The practice is illegal in most states but still goes on primarily in cities with ocean-themed amusement parks. Read the full story

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Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul


When University of Notre Dame officials announced Wednesday that they were building a $400 million extension onto its football stadium, many were initially critical of the project’s price tag.

But one notable critic has come forward to oppose the project on moral and religious grounds. That critic is the leader of the global Catholic Church. Read the full story

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Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable


Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.

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Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings


WASHINGTON D.C. – Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party – which comprises some of his most ardent followers – knew about his own socialist leanings.

The Son of God kept relatively quiet during the Republican presidential primaries, which saw candidates hurl vitriolic attacks against President Obama for “socializing the United States of America.” Read the full story

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Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational


Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational.

“Religious faith is clearly unreasonable,” said author Sam Harris, “but so are your unconscious dreams and so is your sex life. If we’re going to survive the coming technological advances, we’ve got to smarten up and cut all ties to our primitive ancestry. We’ve got to become posthuman.” Read the full story

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BREAKING – Heofon: A New Non-Secular World On The Horizon?


Topeka, KS, USA—During a special televised press briefing simulcast on FOX news and CBN this past Tuesday, a small group of faith-based engineers and Liberty University geologists, along with biologists working out of Central Christian College, as well as home-schooled technicians associated with the JPL facilities (Jesus Proselytizing Laboratory) in Cawker City, Kansas, announced the launch of an ambitious and mammoth undertaking—a project, which if fully realized will see the birth of a new man-made celestial object in our solar system. Read the full story

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Conservative Group Angered over Leftish Bias of Bible Translations


The Freedom Under a Christian Ruled Society (FUCRS) today announced their outright disgust at bible translations with a blatantly liberal agenda and plans to have the Good Book translated from the New Living Translation to one that meets their political needs, according to a press release.

Artie Ful, spokesperson for FUCRS, explained in an interview that some good Christian men and women have been feeling singled out and persecuted. Read the full story

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Don’t Let Jesus’ Death Be for Nothing (comic)


We learn from a very young age that Jesus died for our sins, so we can commit them without having to sacrifice animals to our Lord God to earn repentance. Still leaves a few questions, but my question is better.

If we don’t sin, why in the hell would Jesus’ death be worth it? I mean, this is the literal son of God. He died so we can sin without regret. If I don’t sin, I feel like I’ll go to hell just for that. Read the full story

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Even Atheists May Hear the Voice of Jesus (comic)


We are all able to hear the voice of God. Even atheists may hear His voice, though it may not carry the exact message that the faithful would like to hear.

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE CARTOON.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

So surely no true Scotsman would behave like this, but what about the guy that hears the voice of Jesus, God, or the immutable Holy Spirit? For reasons unknown to me, we don’t call those who follow the words of their gods “crazy people” despite the fact that they hear voices in their head. Read the full story

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God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”


God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.

“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”

As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group. Read the full story

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Prayer Warriors Return From Battle With Hugo Chavez


A group of faithful prayer warriors, armed with nothing more than their bibles and a long history of religious indoctrination, are slowly returning to their normal lives after what they describe as their victory over evil.

They find vindication for their methods in the death of Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez in a battle that spanned 14 years and his four successful elections. Read the full story

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Vatican Construction Unearths Corpse, Believed To Be Hoffa


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Pope’s Retirement Sparks Criticism Amongst Cardinals


The Pope’s sudden decision to retire has caused many of the members of the College of Cardinals to criticize his intentions. Many don’t believe the retirement fund contains any resources for an actual retired Pope, and there are many that are already referring to him as the newest member of the 47%.

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