Tag Archive | "Religionism"

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (3/3)


Phew! I’m worn out.

Or maybe just in a vaguely soporific state.

It was all fun and amusing to start with, but I think the novelty’s worn off.

Gets a bit samey after a while.

Still, I always like to honor my purely fleeting, voluntary and radically contingent contractual commitments to the international-satire-misreading-and-red-herring-web-comment-community. Read the full story

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Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (2/3)


OK, the sky hasn’t fallen in….

Yet.

Just gotta keep going, I suppose.

Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer

OK, this one is a little bit nastier, if also somewhat more fun…

And it’s only for the more experienced, intrepidly kinky fetish types. Read the full story

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Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)


Oof! Sorry for the mildly sensationalist headline. I never quite got over not getting to be a top reporter for the Galactical Enquirer.

Still, somewhat more crucially, I must inform you of the existential spiritual peril facing you and your family. Read the full story

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Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

Bill Maher Banned (Again)… But Why?


Notable public figure Bill Maher has been banned from several notable clothes retail chains in the entire slick, coastal, metro part of the USA…

For making some provocative and inflammatory comments about a moderate political Islamist™ in Pakistan who says women resemble sacks of flour.

Yup! His Most Exalted Even-More-Moderate-Than-Moderate-Taliban-ness says that every one of the integral synthetic components of the female community should be treated in keeping with the most noble and exalted station he himself envisages for them…

When he is high on crystal meth funded from the proceeds of his illegal kindergarten-bombing Ponzi scheme. Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, TelevisionComments (0)

A Prophet Versus Islamists? What Would Muhammad Say? (2/2)


Previously, as a non-Muslim, I raised the question of the distinction between a living letter and prophet, and a dead letter and prophet.

And I’m not so much attempting to intrude from the outside of Islam, to set a “program” or “plan” for the religion…

But I am raising some questions that are fairly broad in scope, and no doubt apply to other religions too. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/EditorialComments (0)

A Prophet Versus Islamists? What Would Muhammad Say? (1/2)


Disclaimer: This is less “humorous” than my usual work (apart from some cheeky memes!), but is not intended as “po-faced” or “solemn.”

I’m not suggesting a program or plan for Muslims or non-Muslims, satirists or non-satirists.

I’m mainly trying to clarify my own thoughts to myself, posing some very current questions; hoping some individuals, (whoever you may be), may find these ideas intriguing, and worth reflecting upon. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/EditorialComments (0)

Khomeinisexuality: Meet Iran’s Radical Love-Cleric (Part 2/69: Jizz be Upon Me)


Tribute

Encore une fois: this one’s for Charlie Hebdo. Nous sommes tous Charlie.

Ok, you’ve heard from the people men of wisdom; to wit, the only people who really understand enlightened fucking erudite fiqh rulings from the inside (pretty damn deep inside… and not just fiqh rulings!).

Yes: clearly, Ayatollah Khomeini either is more sexually enlightened than his depraved and despicable hell-bound haters previously thought… Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (0)

The Not So Funny Side Of Satire


This morning many of us awoke to hear the news of the tragedy that occurred to a satirical news organization in France. It will take a while for the true horror of this event to register with many of us who also write satire. These were brothers and sisters who were willing to point out problems that they saw in the world around them using a humorous twist.

Any country, politician, group, product, organization, event, and yes, even religion, can become the focus of satire. When we see things that push the limits of reason and common sense, we will push it further to show just how absurd something really is. We can write funny stories about cats all day long, but that will never evoke any real thought about what is happening in the world.

Each of us who decide to express ourselves in this manner, know in our hearts that there are those that will be offended. I’ve heard many writers joke about having to go into hiding after their next article is published, unfortunately, sometimes it’s not really a joke, but a deeper understanding of just how many people will never see the irony of their words, and only see themselves as the victim of an attack.

Today we are hurt, we mourn for those who have passed, but we also will not stop. To offer silence at the hand of violence is not who we are, we will continue to turn our views of the world into something that not only amuses you, but hopefully, also makes you stop and think for a few minutes. Our brothers and sisters in France will also regroup, their voices will also not be silenced by this tragedy, and we look forward to the day when they are once again putting their voices into print.

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Posted in SocietyComments (6)

“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Pagan wants to secularize public schools!


Announcer: A high school in Colorado recently banned religious speech during an “Open Time” period also known as Seminar.

Previously, Jackson High School of Mill Creek, Washington, with the support of the federal courts, banned the playing of an instrumental version of Franz Biebl’s “Ave Maria” at its graduation ceremony.

Dick and Janey, “Yucky World” talk show hosts, will be discussing this issue with Wanda Pagan, spokesperson for Secularize All Public Schools (SAPS).

Janey: What’s the problem, Ms. Pagan?

Pagan: You can’t do religion in the public schools.

Janey: But an instrumental version…

Pagan: …is religion getting its foot in the school house door.

Dick: Would a toe have a better chance?

Pagan: A toe? It really doesn’t matter. That wall separating church and state has to be toe-proof, too.

Dick: Isn’t that a food?

Janey: That’s tofu, Dick. What are your organization’s long range goals, Ms. Pagan?

Pagan: SAPS not only wants to keep religion out of the schools, we want God out as well!

Dick: What if God has a visitor’s pass?

Janey: Uh…what are some other changes you’d like to see?

Pagan: First of all, high school bands would not be allowed to march in Thanksgiving Day parades.

Dick: Wait until Santa hears about this!

Pagan: It’s not about Santa. Students shouldn’t be marching in a parade whose main purpose is to thank God.

Janey: Would schools still be able to close for Good Friday?

Pagan: Yes, but they’d have to rename it. What gives one religious group the right to say their Friday is better than someone else’s? Furthermore, Easter Vacation would have to be renamed Spring Vacation.

Dick: Then if the Easter Bunny changed his first name to Spring, he would still be okay for school?

Pagan: Well…yes, I guess so.

Dick: I don’t think he’s going to like that. He’s already been picked on a lot because his last name is Bunny.

Janey: Ah…right, Dick. If references to God are out, what should students do when they’re saying “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance?

Pagan: Our lawyers recommend coughing.

Dick: Hey, what about milk money? Coins have “In God We Trust” on them!

Pagan: We’re advising school cafeterias to only accept checks.

Janey: And the singing of “God Bless America”?

Pagan: Should be banned!

Dick: So you think nothing blessed America and that we’re all alone!

Pagan: In your case, you ought to be alone in a padded cell.

Janey: Sounds like you’re coming down with a cold.

Pagan: Ah…ah…choo!

Janey: God bless you!

Dick: If the SAPS have their way, better not get caught saying that in a public school!

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Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (1)

God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged


It’s often asserted that messages from God can appear in mysterious places…

You know, the Madonna popping up in cheese sandwiches, Lady Gaga helping us see the light, Bible/Quran/Dianetics texts being found in the veins of tomatoes…

Although admittedly, the more fastidious believers tend to have violently assertive theological disagreements™ about which God is sending out the messages..

And, needless to say, about which messages (on the contrary) are forgeries by misguided and unenlightened rival believers™. Read the full story

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God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”


DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking.

“Following peer-reviewed religious principles and dogma, it is clear to me that the possibility of a Stephen Hawking existing is much less than remotely plausible. Religion offers a much more convincing explanation for the origins of the universe and, quite frankly, the existence of a Stephen Hawking simply is not compatible with My miracles.” Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (3)

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context


Everybody knows that unlike all the “Abrahamic Religions”™ like Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, Rastafarianism, etc., Buddhism is in a class of its own.

But why? Obviously, because people belonging to all other religions have practiced patriarchy, homophobia, racism, and the odd spot of religious persecution…

On the other hand, as every herb-smoking New Age traveler knows in their heart, Buddhism is the one religion on earth where there has never been a war, or any sort of persecution, prejudice or discrimination whatsoever.

However, this universally acknowledged common sense fact is becoming increasingly difficult to square with some of the more erratic rulings recently attributed to the entirely authoritative and infallible teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, known to countless beer-addled student activists as H.H.

(No, I mean REALLY infallible! not like the Pope, who is only called infallible; and who is not ACTUALLY infallible. Learn the difference, chip!) Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, ReligionismComments (5)

Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite


Cult orca handler and rider Pastor Jamie Coots died early Friday morning after being bitten in half by a killer whale during a non sanctioned religious service at Sea World. The ardent Pentecostal minister preached whales will not harm true believers if they are anointed by God. The practice is illegal in most states but still goes on primarily in cities with ocean-themed amusement parks. Read the full story

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Posted in ReligionismComments (17)

Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul


When University of Notre Dame officials announced Wednesday that they were building a $400 million extension onto its football stadium, many were initially critical of the project’s price tag.

But one notable critic has come forward to oppose the project on moral and religious grounds. That critic is the leader of the global Catholic Church. Read the full story

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Posted in ReligionismComments (2)

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable


Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.

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Posted in Entertainment, Religionism, Television, Top StoriesComments (0)

Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings


WASHINGTON D.C. – Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party – which comprises some of his most ardent followers – knew about his own socialist leanings.

The Son of God kept relatively quiet during the Republican presidential primaries, which saw candidates hurl vitriolic attacks against President Obama for “socializing the United States of America.” Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (0)

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