Tag Archive | "nfl"

Clippers Owner Donald Sterling To Sell Team

At a press conference in Los Angeles this morning, Donald Sterling’s wife Roachelle claimed the NBA team would be sold in a matter of days.

Sterling, 67, who changed his name from Tokowitz so his unique brand of bigotry and racism would seem more ethnically ambiguous, has been embroiled in an intense controversy over apparent recorded racist comments he made to his 24 year old paid escort, arm candy and wannabee model, V. Stiviano. Sterling didn’t approve of her posting pictures on the internet of herself with black men or bringing Magic Johnson to Clippers games.

According to the recording, Sterling had no problem with V associating with black men or even sleeping with them, but the posting of pics and being seen publicly within 100 yards of Sterling made him the butt of jokes among others of Sterling’s “culture”.

At the press conference Roachelle Sterling said “It’s apparent the NBA, fans, people of certain mixed mud colors, anti-semites and jew haters do not want Donald in basketball, so we will be going somewhere where we’ll be appreciated.”

In other sports news Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a press release midday indicating he was selling his team to an unnamed Los Angeles buyer in a IRS approved, 1031 exchange.

Both sales were approved by NBA and NFL owners along strictly religious and ethnic lines.

In related notes the Israeli parliament has approved designating Ethiopian immigrants of dubious hebrew heritage as 3/5ths real Jew.

photo credit: Tim Noakes via photopin cc


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The NFL’s Big Taxpayer Heist

Now that the Super Bowl is over and you are either in euphoric heaven or the depths of despair depending upon your gridiron loyalties, let me proceed to burst your little bubble: the NFL is ripping you off.

Due to an old tax code created when the NFL and the AFL joined in 1966 they get to enjoy tax exempt status.

The NFL makes $9.5 billion a year.

Yes, $9.5 billion. How much do you make? How much of that is taxes? Read the full story


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49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

The San Francisco 49ers had a terrible 12-4 season, but this Sunday they face the Seattle Seahawks with a stunning 13-3 regular season record. Facing certain defeat, 49ers fans are widely expected to commit mass, ritual suicide.

The Seahawks have the best defense in the league, and have been favored over the 49ers by 3-9 points/game this regular and post-season, but even losing inside the spread is unlikely to sate the bloodlust for sacrifice to make for a better team next season. Read the full story


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NFL Attempts to Curb Concussions By Mounting 11-Inch Steel Spike to Front of Every Helmet

NEW YORK — In an effort to cut down on the growing number of concussions suffered by players, the National Football League has announced plans to adopt a new, official helmet design that will feature an 11-inch steel spike mounted to the forehead region, sources report. Read the full story


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NFL Footballers Sue Their Sugar Daddy For Head Injuries – Woosies, Wimps

Former professional football players have just announced that they are seeking millions of dollars in damages due to injuries that have resulted from head concussions that have occurred from playing the game.

The NFL stands to pay out 765 MILLION (!) for medical costs to ALL players claiming to still suffer from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE).

The lawyers say that this staggering sum is just a drop in the bucket to the NFL (what a surprise that lawyers would see it this way!).

What this means is that is is the chance for all of us who were never athletically inclined, never had the chance to learn football, were always tormented by jocks in high school, didn’t have the physical ability for sports, or were socially condemned to being social lessers in the social structures of high school now have our chance to give the big boys some of their own abuse back.

Did you suffer from wedgies, Dutchman rubs, insults, putdowns, punches, neck locks etc. from the Oh-So-Holy jocks in your community? Did the school administration teachers and other students actually support or turn a blind eye to this sort of behavior?

If so, then here is our chance to turn the tables and rub their noses in their own excrement for a change.

Let’s let them have it! We have waited for this so long and they deserve it so much. Here we go:


Aren’t you supposed to be the tough guys who can do anything? Now you’re crying because your brain don’t work right any more! Since when did you ever use that part of your anatomy anyway?

Weren’t you the guys who always said to shut up and not to whine? Why, this whole law suit sounds like a continuous whine siren! Why are you babies all howling for your pacifiers? Weren’t you the ones living it up in your glory days and enjoying the best of everything; the money, the women, the fast cars, the gift wrapped cocaine?

Now you expect everyone else to pay for your broken down carcass? Weren’t you guys the first ones to yell about individualism and do-it-yourselfism? Now you are like those guys waiting at stop lights with signs saying you are homeless and can you spare a buck.

Do you think I would give you a buck? Sure I would! A buck in the rear knocking you into the gutter!

What happened to all that money you made when your guys were the top Alpha Males of the whole country? Spent it all on steroids, do-anything anywhere prostitutes and booze bashes?

Don’t have a dime of it left? Ahhh, poor babies! We’re still schmucks who couldn’t kick a field goal if we were offered a free night with Sophia Vergara, but at least we still got thinking mechanisms that function. And we ain’t cryin’ to our sugar daddy cause we fell and hurt our knee. Or that we have a hurt brain and need some of Daddy’s money to fix it!

So, go on your merry ways and go back to whatever maid diddling or bar hopping you guys do in your retirement (who else gets to retire at 35?). You are getting the NFL to play the patsy and you are cleaning them out for $765 million and getting away with it.

You yourselves know half the guys are making claims are faking it. Attorneys in every pro bowl city are swimming in circles salivating at this. Did you all hire your lawyers from those that have their ads on daytime TV saying they’ll help you hook and land a rich SOB, clean him out and gut him for all you can? I thought so!

There. That was enough for now.

Don’t you all feel better now? I sure do!


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The Precarious Prelude of the Pugnaciously Preeminent and Predominant Green Bay Packers

Many wonder how it is that a little, forgotten town on the frozen banks of Lake Michigan could become the official first city of football. Most major league football towns are huge mothers like Los Angeles, Chicago, Denver, Atlanta, but the one tiny dollop on the sports map is Green Bay. How so? Let me tell you the story: Read the full story


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Mean Colts Getting Fans’ Hopes Up Again

INDIANAPOLIS – In what was arguably designed as a mean prank yesterday, the Indianapolis Colts conspired to build up the hopes of millions of Hoosiers by recording their first victory of the season against the Tennessee Titans.

Avoiding a 14th successive defeat Sunday, the Colts – known for cruelly convincing fans that further impending success always lies ahead – roused the 50,000 in attendance with a spitefully deceiving performance and post-game lap of honor. Read the full story


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Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever

Denver, CO—Denver Broncos’ Quarterback, Peyton Manning, revealed to reporters this evening that he didn’t have time to visit the polls today because he was too busy faking modest responses to numerous claims that he is the greatest QB of all time. Read the full story


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Madden Players Association in Heated Lockout

GREENVILLE, NC – Sports media has covered many lockouts over the years, but have yet to address the major Madden ’13 lockout that is intensifying in many homes across the country.

The lockout occurred after EA sports stopped providing catered food services at their tournaments. This initial outrage has only grown.

“The life of a professional gamer isn’t as illustrious as people would believe,” stated Pete Gallagher, Director of the Madden Player Association, living in Greenville, North Carolina. Read the full story


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Victory a Result of Man Shouting ‘Go Colts’ at TV

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Colts secured a hard-earned victory against the Minnesota Vikings on Week 2 of the new NFL season Sunday, attributing their victory to local man Justin Thacker, who persistently yelled “go Colts” at his television screen throughout the 3-hour broadcast.

Initially, it was believed that the impressive victory came about as a result of the team’s considerable work ethic, months of pre-season preparation and valiant individual prowess. Read the full story


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Regular NFL Refs Die From Shock After Being Cheered

Baltimore, MD – NFL players, coaches, and fans were stunned when all seven officials died from apparent shock after receiving a standing ovation and roaring cheers for returning to their first game after a four month long lockout.

The chaos erupted the moment the first two officials stepped on the field. As the crowd roared, the two officials could be seen looking at each other with stunned expressions before collapsing on the field and convulsing uncontrollably for what appeared to be 40 seconds according to a game clock. Read the full story


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Andrew Luck Relishing Challenge of Outgrowing the Colts

INDIANAPOLIS – Speaking ahead of Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, prospective new quarterback Andrew Luck insisted he is really enjoying the challenge of following in the footsteps of Peyton Manning and to one day outgrow The Indianapolis Colts.

Saying that he hopes to “fully develop his game” under coach Chuck Pagano so that he can make a big-money move away to “someone like the New York Giants” later on down the road, Luck invited NFL scouts to “come and see me play.” Read the full story


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Replacement Refs Replace Rules of Football

NEW YORK- Replacement referees, locked out referees, and team owners sat down on Monday to discuss disagreements that have arose over the first three weeks of the season. Sunday’s schedule was an outstanding example of just how creative the liberties were taken by the game officials.

The original referees are locked out after disputes over retirement plans and increased pay, the NFL has replaced them with less experienced referees, whom may have never seen a football before being employed by the NFL.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, explained in a press conference, “I like the out-of-the-box thinking used by some of our new officials. They also came at a good price.” Read the full story


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NFL Addresses Fan Discontent by Hiring Replacement Refs from Foot Locker

The National Football League is taking decisive action in response to complaints about horrendously bad officiating by the replacement referees, who were brought in due to the lockout of referees by the league.

The move is the culmination of events precipitated by perhaps the worst missed call in NFL history. In this week’s Monday Night Football contest between the Seattle Seahawks and visiting Green Bay Packers, a Green Bay Packer defender intercepted a pass in the end zone as the game clock expired but the referee called it a touchdown. Read the full story


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NFL TV Rights Sold… Are You Twitter for Some Football?

In a move that surprised few, the broadcast rights for the 2013-2015 seasons of the National Football League (NFL) have been sold to a non-television entity. What was a surprise, however, is that the broadcast rights have been sold to Twitter.

“We think this is a natural progression,” said Twitter New Media developer Jacob Brittany with a smirk. “People only want the highlights anyway, so why not Twitter?” Read the full story


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ESPN’s Mel Kiper Picks Himself as #1 Pick in NFL Draft

Hollywoodland, CA (GlossySports) — ESPN’s latest NFL mock draft surprises many draft pundits, but it comes as absolutely no surprise to football analyst Mel Kiper, Jr.

Speaking to reporters earlier today, he defended his latest top draft pick projection. Read the full story


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