Nuevo Laredo, Mexico – GlossyNews.com – The Nuevo Laredo Tourist Department (NLTD) has announced its newest tourist attraction, the Narco-Terrorism Tour for Gringos, which is to be launched August 10 from Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.

“This exciting adventure will appeal to many rich gringos, we think,” enthuses Alberto X. Rodriguez, deputy chief of the NLTD. “For just ten thousand American dollars you can visit Mexico’s border regions and towns where even la policia won’t go. And we’re sure Americans will be safe the whole time and not be shot or kidnapped.” Read the full story

Washington, DC – 52 year old Robert Freed was blind-sided today when he walked into work and found a pink slip taped to his locker. After 23 years as an assemblyman at the GM truck plant in Dearborn Michigan, he never expected to be the last man left working in America, and now, finally, the last man laid off. Read the full story

Bella, former Taco Bell spokes-chihuahua has produced a litter of anchor pups under the Newsome family’s front porch. Mr. Newsome is beside himself and wants to kill the damn thing and its entire family. “We don’t have the money to pay for all these dogs!” he shouted as reporter Tyson Bam stepped out of the Glossy News Action Van. Read the full story

Why the USA will probably never legalize drugs. (Drug Consumer played by USA; Drug Lord played by Mexico)

USA: I want to stop! Go Away!

MEXICO: No you don’t! You love it! Let me in!

USA: OK, but just for a minute. You are so bad!

MEXICO: No, you are so bad! Read the full story

Gulf Port, Mississippi (GlossyNews) –A swarm of wayward marine biologists descended on this region in recent days to clear carcasses from nets and scrub what few creatures left alive they could from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Thursday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, “volunteered” to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. Read the full story

TEMPE, Arizona (GlossyNews) — In a move of political bravado termed “Operation Andale”, U.S President Barack Obama has signed an executive order handing Arizona back to Mexico, creating a stampede of Mexicans into bordering U.S. States. While the white citizens of Arizona are confused and somewhat deflated, the Governor of Arizona has likened it to making a “deal with the devil” that nonetheless is having desired consequences.

To keep the momentum going in the right direction a “Save Arizona from Itself” PR campaign has begun in earnest. Read the full story

Grand Isle, LA (GlossyNews) –A team of marine biologists recovered 120 specimens of wild life from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Wednesday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, volunteered to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. While cleaning feathers and fur with dish detergent, Anne Fullerton, a student at Southern University in Baton Rouge, discovered what turned out to be a Mexican attempting to enter the U.S. illegally. Read the full story

Anytown, USA (GlossyNews) — Kirk Hassenbaum was always a shining example of bleeding heart liberalism. He went to a Liberal Arts college, traveled Europe with the backpack and Birkenstocks crowd, read poetry in coffee houses in San Francisco, rode a Greenpeace boat to a whale slaughter and even had a gay best friend for a while. But after he got a job working for a major corporation and invested in a sweet house in the trendiest part of the city, his bleeding heart started to heal, Read the full story

Biloxi, MS (GlossyNews) — Gordon P Chastain, better known to the world as “Gordy” Chastain has died before his time, at the age of four, due to complications from malnutrition and insufficient pediatric medical care.

The child, who was to become one of the world’s most powerful men, died in the arms of a social worker because the programs which kept him alive through to adolescence had been slashed or never funded. Read the full story

Prescott, AZ (GlossyNews) — Captain Dudley Engelbrook, 91, of Chino Valley, Arizona is seeking asylum in Greece, Iceland, and several other European countries. Years of shoddy health care combined with the loss of veterans’ benefits, says the proud veteran of the Battle of the Bulge, “made life hell” for him.

Tired of living in subsidized housing, where he was afraid to come and go and was “surrounded by psychos, thieves, druggies, racist gangsters and murderers” — and even offered child prostitutes — he decided in 2003 to rent a small, dilapidated barn from a girlfriend. Read the full story

Phoenix, AZ (GlossyNews) -– President Barack Obama was detained for a brief period yesterday at the Phoenix, AZ Airport by TSA officials while police determined whether or not to arrest him for not having proper identification with him at the time he touched down in their state. President Obama was in Phoenix to speak at a fundraiser for Democratic candidates willing to take on the Republicans in this year’s Senate race. Read the full story