Tag Archive | "gop"

Santorum is Definitely ‘In It To Win It’

GMA NEW YORK —GlossyNews “We stood up and didn’t back away. We told everyone, ‘We’re In It to Win It,’ and we didn’t back down. Really, we didn’t back down,” former Senator Rick Santorum said. No one was standing next to him as he spoke at this televised pre-announcement press conference to announce his decision to have a presidential campaign kick-off press conference. Read the full story


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Palin Getting Passed Around Like ‘Moonshine at a Hoedown’

Fur started to fly just hours after Michele Bachmann publicly announced that Sarah Palin would be her top choice for VP in the 2012 presidential elections. This announcement came on the heels of her expected announcement to officially seek the GOP nomination for President in 2012.

When a reporter asked her, “Do you have any clue whom you might want to run alongside you if you do get the GOP nod?” Bachmann didn’t hesitate. Read the full story


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Republican Governors Not Abducted by Aliens after All

It was a scary 72 hours this past weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. Read the full story


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GOP Debate Recap: Non-Candidates with Non-Answers (5 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Even if you haven’t been following our recent series, you may know that recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans masterfully debated in New Hampshire.

Two hours is a long time to have to sit and watch, even if playing buzzword bingo as a drinking game. For your convenience, Read the full story


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Recent Poll Results Indicate 37% of Americans Would Not Vote for a Moron

Ever since Mitt Romney announced his bid for the GOP nomination for President in 2012, America has been embroiled in a controversy, i.e. whether a Moron could actually become President of the United States.

And now, another Moron has launched his candidacy. Former Utah Governor, Jon Huntsman, Jr. announced this week that he will travel the high road in his quest to become the GOP frontrunner for President. Read the full story


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Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote

Repeat offender presidential candidate Ron Paul now faces an unexpected threat, according to sources close to the campaign. There may be somebody in the race who is crazier than him.

On electoral issues, veterans say ‘a year is a decade.’ That proverb is especially validated in 2011, a landscape vastly different from the previous presidential contest. Read the full story


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Can Newt Gingrich Stay Out of Trouble with Bachmann and Palin in GOP Race

In order for Newt Gingrich to be able to compete in a widening field of candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination, he’s had to come clean about his past womanizing. While no one is really buying his excuse that his passion for his country led him to act inappropriately at times, that very passion may just be his downfall again if Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin continue their individual quests for the same nomination. Read the full story


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GOP Considers Rebranding as “Social Tea Party”

Des Moines, IA —GLOSSY NEWS With 2011 barely into its 4th month, House Tea Party Caucus leader Michele Bachmann whipped her Iowa audience into a frenzy over light bulbs, gay marriage and abortion with her stump “Social Conservatism is Physical Conservatism” keynote address.

She finished by advocating giving the GOP a new name and then said it must become the Social Tea Party. The name change was unanimously ratified by the 130 Iowans who paid to attend, thus trashing forever the old time party names, Republican and GOP. Read the full story


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Unemployment Dips, Executive Pay Soars (with little taxes)

Unemployment took an unexpected turn for the better, with 216,000 new jobs added to payroll last month. And while The USA Today reported that 2010 saw median incomes rise 2.1%, it also reported that median CEO pay jumped 27% for the same period.

To summarize today versus last year:
– If you didn’t have a job, there’s a 12% chance* you found one.
– If you did have a job, your income went up about 2%
– If you are a CEO, your income went up an average of $1.9 million. Read the full story


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Tea Party Rebukes Bachmann for Un-Christian Breaking Wind Incident

WASHINGTON DC — GlossyNews.com Minnesota GOPTea Bagger Rep. Michelle Bachmann broke wind yesterday in what was described as a home accident. She and her staff immediately flew to Washington DC where she announced the cancellation of her April appearances in Minnesota, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune reported. Read the full story


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Senator Jim DeMint, Calls to De-Fund PBS/NPR; Crazy or Just a Liar?

Jim DeMint, Crazy of Just Plain Full of Shizz?

Recent addition to the Fair & Balanced FOX club, Wall Street Journal, has published an editorial by one of the most fair, most balanced senators in the history of America. Sure, Senator Jim DeMint (R-South Carolina) has publicly said that he doesn’t think openly gay teachers should be allowed to teach in public schools, but there’s no mention of that on the Wall Street Journal, so let’s pretend it doesn’t apply. Read the full story


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Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ; McCain Really Lacks a Clue

This week senator John McCain really threw down. No, not his teeth or dignity, those have both been forsaken since 2000. No this week he threw down with the crazy, and even for a die-hard republican, he ante’d up the crazy in spectacular fashion.

As a donor to the senior senator from Arizona, I’m on his mailing list. I get an assortment of “My Friend” letters, though I highly doubt he’d consider me a friend. Obviously he doesn’t, or he wouldn’t espouse these ridiculous, unpatriotic lies. Read the full story


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RNC Funding Calls for Chairman Neuvo, Hold the Mexican

Want to be the next chairman of the Republican National Committee? Take this easy essay test and send it back to the RNC in Washington. Be sure to include all your contact info so we can get in touch if we want to interview you.

Applicant questions are important because there are absolutely no ‘correct’ answers to these questions. Read the full story


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GOP Blasts Don’t Ask/Tell Compromise as Sub-Fabulous

On this snowy day in our nation’s Capitol, one can feel the power of hope overtaking all vestiges of cynicism. This lame duck Congress seems to this reporter’s eyes, to be driven by a spirit of bipartisanship seldom seen in American history.

Legislative roadblocks once considered intractable are now dropping faster than Miley Cyrus undergarments. Read the full story


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Barbour Picked as 2012 Favorite, for what Remains to be Seen

Haley Barbour this week catapulted past other GOP Presidential hopefuls, a feat considered all the more amazing by leading physicists since Barbour weighs about 350 pounds.

As battle lines form for the 2012 nominating process, consensus among political veterans is that Barbour is demonstrating a shrewdness his rivals will be hard pressed to match. He now appears unstoppable. Read the full story


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Earmarks Replaced by Posthumous Pardons; Many Dead Delighted

“It was going to be a discontented winter, but now it looks like glorious summer” said incoming Congressman Richard Plantagenet on the new GOP voter outreach plan.

Speaking from his house in York, PA this week, the Tea Party favorite and former florist was proudly modest in explaining how the 112th Congress will rewrite history, literally. Read the full story


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