Tag Archive | "gop"

GOP Agrees to Raise Debt Ceiling (if 19th Amendment Repealed)


House Majority leader Eric Cantor and Republican House Speaker John Boehner agreed to a short-term budget and debt ceiling increase of 7-9 days, so long as women’s right to vote is repealed. Democrats considering the measure.

The government shutdown is in its third week, and with the debt ceiling crisis only hours away, House republicans lead by serial killer sympathist Dave Reichert (R-WA) have come up with the first compromise that doesn’t involve de-funding the Affordable Care Act.

“It’s simple,” said Reichert, from his still-fully-staffed Washington office, “If the Democrats agree to repeal the 19th amendment, we’ll allow this rampant, destructive spending practice to continue another week or so.”

Dave Reichert is famous as the man who let convicted murderer Gary Ridgeway roam the streets for decades while pursuing dead leads against a cab driver, who ultimately was destroyed by the scandal.

“We’ll cave to pretty much anything at this point,” said Democratic Senate Majority Leader and wet towel Harry Reid. “They’re [the GOP] ready to drive the entire world economy off a cliff to placate the fringe of their party, and we [Democrats] just want stability in the world.”

When asked if Democrats were once more being spineless in the face of Republican obstinance, Reid answered, “Next question.”

President Obama indicated he would sign the bill, but indicated he may use the line-item veto to take out the part about restricting the right of women to vote.

House Republicans, eager to balance the budget, have repeatedly proposed stripping out the Medical Device Tax, which would add roughly $40 billion to the deficit in the next ten years. It makes no sense, but you have to look at it from their perspective, which is that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim Socialist, and in that light, while it still makes no sense, at least makes you feel something inside.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas went on air late last night saying, “The bill doesn’t go far enough. Women shouldn’t vote, we have enough votes in both houses to prove it. But women also shouldn’t be driving. What is this, Saudi Arabia where a small handful drive sometimes with impunity?”

Imams from Bob Jones University and Focus on the Family agreed that this is only a small step toward resolution, and that when the issue comes up again in about a week, further deep concessions will be required from the Democrats to keep the government from destroying the world economy and throwing a hundred nations into economic turmoil.

Former Speaker, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, “We are open to discussions.”

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

GOP Right, We Do Need to Slash Military, Raise Taxes


As the Republican shutdown enters its 11th day, the GOP has failed to waiver from their insincere talking points about fiscal responsibility.

But they’re right. We have to cut the deficit and reduce the debt, and the best way to do that is by raising taxes and targeting the most wasteful of all expenses, the military, TSA and homeland security. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown


Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown
FOX News and conservative radio like to make out the issue as “both sides are to blame,” or more commonly just casting blame solely on the Democrats, but that’s just not true.

The Republicans are to blame. Period. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

America’s Toughest Sheriff to Serve Border Duty in Syria


As violence continues to escalate in the Middle East, millions of refugees have been sent packing to neighboring countries. Many with no other choice but to illegally cross borders.

Not one to take illegal border crossings lightly, self-billed “America’s Toughest Sheriff” Joe Arpaio looks to extend his grip of power to borders in the Middle East beginning with Syria. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, War ZoneComments (1)

Congress to Pit Literal Donkey v. Elephant to Determine Best Political Party


Democrats and GOP Anxious to Find Out How Animals That Represent Them Will Fare in Battle For Zoological Dominance

WASHINGTON DC—In a startling attempt to determine, once in for all, which party reigns supreme in US government, members of congress have agreed to let a donkey and an elephant fight to the death in the foyer of the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

The two creatures will be angered by electrical prodding and then released into a small pen where they will be forced to kick, stomp, and smash each others’ bodies until a survivor is deemed victorious. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Senator Graham Goes For The Low Hanging Fruit


South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham today championed his desire to restrict the ability to own fire arms to those who are no longer capable of knowing right from wrong.

The senator laid out his thoughts in what many believed was a basic assumption with any gun control initiatives currently before either house of congress. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Senator Warns of Impending Attack on Family Values


A US Senator is drawing the nation’s attention after publicizing a report suggesting an attack on family values is imminent.

Addressing a hastily-organized press conference Friday morning, Senator Tate Williams of Arkansas explained that his staff on the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence has intercepted reports of planned military action against family values in America by the Liberal Looney and Gay Alliance of California (the LLGAC). Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, War ZoneComments (2)

“Well-Hung Chad” Having Banner Day at Florida Poleing Station


GlossyNews.com – Well Hung Chad Boehner is a tall, beefy male escort in St. Petersberg, Florida. And by his estimation, he’s set to have the best day of his career.

“I [started] advertising on BackPage.com under the name “Well-Hung Chad” about a week ago, and I’ve got dates setup back to front to back all day long,” said Boehner from his Cutlas Sierra office. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (7)

Election Day 2012: Obama Starts Cleaning Out the Oval Office


GlossyNews.comThe White House With exit polls sliding against them faster than butter on a hot skillet, the current occupants of the White House are starting to realize that a moving date will be a reality in January, 2013.

Empty moving boxes first started to arrive discreetly as early as October 1st as the First Family realized that American voters were angry after four disgustingly inept years of anemic economic growth, and in the world’s eyes, a sliding leadership position with scattered decision making and an unacountable State Department causing four needless deaths in Bengazi, Libya. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (6)

Republicans Crucify Jesus for Offering Free Healthcare


BILOXI – People were shocked when a strange light was seen in the sky yesterday. Many wondered if it was a meteor. However, the light that fell to earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The Christian leader landed in Biloxi, Mississippi at approximately 3:16 p.m. local time. Area residents first met Jesus with shotguns because they initially mistook him for a “hippie liberal immigrant” that was going to “rob them or talk about Obama.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Jesus quickly performed several miracles in order to prove his identity including curing an area woman’s cancer and giving eyesight to a blind preacher. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary


WASHINGTON D.C. – Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators – voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama’s presidency – championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation’s vocabulary.

Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration’s attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like “vitriolic,” “insatiable,” and “rationale.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in News In Your Briefs, PoliticsComments (1)

Romney Proposes Two Week Term Limit on Facts


Dayton, OH – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today announced a controversial plan to place term limits on facts.

During a campaign stop in Ohio, Romney was overheard telling a Koch brother that if elected he will immediately propose placing a two week term limit on all facts due to their “terroristic nature” and “un-American qualities.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (3)

Romney Admits He Is Secretly Campaigning for Obama


GOP Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney admitted today that he has been secretly campaigning for Obama since the primary elections.

“I have made no missteps in my campaign,” Romney stated during a press conference. “I want President Obama to be re-elected so I have deliberately sabotaged my own campaign.”

RIGHT: Image courtesy of Driftglass. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (9)

Republicans to Change Symbol from Elephant to Jesus Holding a Shotgun


Washington D.C. – In what many are calling a sign of the Republican Party’s desperation, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus today announced that the long standing symbol of the Republican Party, the elephant, is being replaced by an image of Jesus with a shotgun.

Priebus said that Republicans were more able to relate to an armed Jesus than an elephant. “We did a lot of polls and stuff,” said Priebus. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Herman Cain Carries Flag for the Democrats


CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA — Television viewers were quick to spot former GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain minutes after the 2012 Democratic National Convention gaveled to order.

The Tea Party favorite presented the colors as a member of the Disabled American Veterans, The Stanly County Chapter 12 Honor Guard.

Mr. Cain — who worked as a civilian for the U.S. Department of the Navy — was asked the obvious. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Human Interest, PoliticsComments (16)

Republicans Unveil New List of Things to Blame on Obama


Tampa, Florida – Wrapping up their convention, the GOP unveils their augmented strategy to win against the Democrats in November.

The old tactic of blaming things on President Obama seemed to have worked out in the Republican Party’s favor, but the message wasn’t reaching target demographics in key swing states.

The newly revised list of things to blame on President Obama is an effort to win over those particular voters.

RIGHT: Mitt Ryan and Paul Romney may indeed be on a sinking ship, if recent state-by-state polling is any indicator. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Guest speakers each delivered something different to blame on President Obama, aimed at certain constituencies lacking in the GOP political base. Lacking considerable support with women and ethnic minorities, the Republican party garnered more attention from these groups once they began with the scathing criticisms of the Obama administration.

Speaker of the House, John Boehner (OH), started off the final night of the convention with his signature fiery rhetoric, and then asserted that “Obama is the reason why public restrooms are always out of paper towels.”

Former Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, explained the need for more fiscal responsibility and accountability in government. He also blamed President Obama for “that weird feeling you get when your arm falls asleep.”

Romney-Ryan campaign chairman Bob White delivered scathing criticism of the President to an excited crowd, exclaiming, “Obama’s harsh EPA regulations are to blame for the severe drought devastating America’s heartland. Obama is the reason why abusive husbands come home and take their frustrations out on loved ones. Our so called president can’t even protect us from asteroids on a collision course with planet Earth that he, himself, attracted here in the first place. Do we want four more years of Obama aborting all the fetuses from all the pregnant women of this nation? My answer is no!”

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida attacked President Obama’s immigration policy. He proclaimed “Obama doesn’t care for the Latin people. He only wants untraceable labor to construct his secret lair on an uncharted island shaped like a skull-spider.” He went on to add, “I heard he actually built a boat out of immigrants swimming the gulf. He toured the entire east coast before eating the whole boat in one sitting. That doesn’t sound like a President who respects the Hispanic population.”

Mitt Romney closed out the evening with his acceptance speech and quite possibly the most shocking accusations of the evening. In thirty-eight minutes, Romney managed to blame an impressive amount of things on the President. Among the more noteworthy accusations were “dental cavities,” “mutation of gonorrhea,” both the “French and Spanish Inquisition,” “the reason why Snape had to die in the end,” “rush hour traffic,” and even implicated him in connection with the death of Heath Ledger.

Republican strategist Steve Schmidt analyzed the new tactic and wrote, “This is the way the GOP can beat Obama in November. The previous claims were too soft. Who cares if he is a closet Muslim, totalitarian-socialist, or foreign national born in Kenya. The Republican Party needed a message with teeth, and I think they found it tonight.”

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (4)

Page 2 of 612345...Last »
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial