Chapter 8: Captain Gaymerica’s Got Blown in the Office

Wallace Runnymede Novel

This is it,’ breathed Senator Willow.
That bastard…


‘Jesus H. Hubbard on a frickin’ cosmic love-pogo!’ spat Saul Friedman. ‘That coaching has made the bastard ten times the frickin’ slithery fuck he was before! Can’t believe even what I’m frickin’….’


But the speech was an artifact of history…
What history was due to yet proceed from this hideous rant?


Ok! Alright, everybody! Now, for what it’s worth, I’ve come here pretty well prepared. I haven’t got any wingmen, that’s one thing for sure! I mean, we have a great party. You know what, I just love our party. I think it’s just the best. Do you know what I’m saying? This party. This nation. Do you love the Republican Party? Do you love Ameeericaaaaaaaa?

Wooooo! No shit! Well guess what, people? For what it’s worth, you’re not alone. You know what? I love America too.

But you know what? Not everybody loves America. Am I right?

Wooooo! Yeah! Now I wonder why that might be?

Huh? Oh quit it, look! Yeah, we are giving those guys too much money, but look, I tell you what! You have my word, once we get our other things sorted out, then… those guys… well, we might have to rethink our Mid East strategy a bit. Alright?

Now, who is that’s really pissing us off right now?

Ha! Bingo! Got in one!

Look, I am sick and tired of the liberal left and the conformists within our party. Now, I wouldn’t go so far to along with Dr Daniel Krebs, and say that the only moderate Muslim is a dead Muslim. I kind of think we don’t want to go down that road right now, do you? Look, these ideas are not representative of our party, but for sure, they’re around, aren’t they?

Well, look. I know exactly why you are angry; and I’m angry too, and you can be sure of this, my anger is not idle. The fact is that Islam has been given too much leeway in this country. I mean, look, under the law, you can be whatever you want: Christian, Buddhist, Muslim… J… J… er, let’s say, Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Hm. Alright, smart aleck. What’s so funny?

Afraid to s… afraid to say what? Shut your flaming, I mean… Woah! Woah! Just kidding! Gotta scare ‘em like that ya see. It’s like disciplining kids, yeah?

Well hey! Woo! For what it’s worth, I don’t think we need to get into semantics about this stuff. The First Amendment guarantees us religious freedom. But this Amendment is a product of its time. Nobody in those days knew what would come of it. Kinda like Dred-Scott, huh? Uh, no wait, that’s uh…

Well anyway, let’s cut the pointless intellectual bullshit! That isn’t what I’m about…
And let’s be honest, that’s not what America I about? I mean, right?

Owch! Give us a wooooooooooooo!

Now, I know that President Clement Schleisser has offered me the highly honorable post of Secretary of State. But you know what? We don’t even have that much time left, and much as I value President Schleisser’s strong leadership and wisdom, these are extraordinary times. And it’s times just like, y’know, that, where probably need a pretty extraordinary leader! Huh?

Unoriginal? Huh? Oh, alright kid! You wanna come up on this platform and do it instead? Huh?

I don’t think you heard me. Do you want to come up here and do this shit, girl?

Oh… woooaaah! Not a girl! Well, you coulda fooled me, heh heh!

WTF… A transphobe? You outa your frickin’ mind, lady? If I were afraid of you, I wouldn’t be standing up here on this platform and handing you your dongle, er, your flamin’ ass on a plate, would I?

Oh. Oh. Waterworks again, huh? Well, that figures.

Anyway, where were we.

Well, you know we need a leader; and improving upon President Schleisser’s excellent record of hammering the asses of the enemies of our country, primarily within, but also without…

Ha!Ha! Did I get that one the right way round? Woooooo!

Well… It sounds like this boy enjoyed it anyway.


Oh sorry, didn’t hear ya.

Shout it again!

Yeah, that’s good, nice and loud.

… Wooooooooooooo! Senator Marcus Charleston Bubble for Senator? Well, that’s the first time I’ve hearda that one! You know what? Now that’s pretty smart. I like smartness. I value it. I mean this guy is no egghead, he’s just really in tune with our traditional American common sense, self-reliance, and…

Oh, well hey! You’ve not been planted here by any chance?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ohhh, the way you people are laughing. Anyone would think you had a sneaking suspicion this guy might just be a…

Well, anyway. Curiously enough, I am just here to announce precisely that!

Well hey! President Marcus Charleston Bubble! How’s that sound?



‘How does it sound,’ Sally drawled, bored to tears by Bubble’s inane political revelry.

Saul practically vaulted the moon.

‘How does it sound?’ he roared. ‘It sound frickin’ awful as fuck!’

‘Hey, listen old man,’ Sally murmured, too tipsy to really give a rat’s ass: ‘It wasn’t an actual question.’

Alan wasn’t quite so dispassionate.

‘Anyone would think you was frickin’ special, like Jihadi Jim over here!’ Alan roared, appalled at Friedman’s most un-Jewish habit of taking the second shittiest Scotch every single damn time!

Saul slammed his glass down on the table.

‘Nothing frickin’ special about me!’ Saul muttered, his blazing blue eyes casting sparks of decades-brewed resentment about the  tavern.

‘If yer  ever even knew who ol’ fuckin’ Saul Friedman was, that’s the last word yer would all be usin’,’ Saul muttered as he staggered out.

‘Hope you get hit by some clumsy-ass bus, you crazy-dick fuckin’ Jew comedian!’ Sally roared.

‘Yeah! Fuckin’ Jew! Fuckin’ Jew! Fuckin’ Jew! Fuckin’ Jew-Jew-Jew-Jew-Jew!’ Alan bellowed, a good few paces too late.

‘Sheesh,’ Sally sighed in resignation. ‘Alan, you sure are an immature little bitch, arntcha?’

Author: Wallace's Books