Senator Bubble snorted as he flicked through the news channels.
‘Oh for the love of God, would you quit chewing that gum like a fuckin’ imbecile, Sandy?’ he roared.
Sandy spat out her gum.
Bubble grunted in disgust.
‘Not on the…
‘Hey, well you know what? Whatever! You want to live like a swine, I can treat you like a swine, sis!’
‘You’d be nothing without me, Mark.’
Marcus’s piggy little swine-eyes disappeared under a cataclysm of rolling, gleaming bulges of almost suppurating fat.
‘You are a punk rocker, Sandy. You know who I am?’
Sandy rolled her eyes.
‘At a wild guess, I’d say just some big shot establishment politico who sits on his ass in this office all day and tries to think of new ways of throwing the women, gays and minorities in our state under the bus, purely because it suits his pitiful, fragile little straight white guy ego.’
‘Straight white guy, huh? You ever heard of any civilization worth the name that wasn’t governed by these ohhh-so-awwwful straight white guys like me?
‘C’mon, answer me, sis!
‘Tell you something for nothing, Sandy, if we went away, you people would be the first to scream out at us on bended knee, pleading for mercy.
‘I tell you what, if we ever finally do go Galt and let the blacks and the abortionists and the flaming black abortionists and the Riot Grrrl transgender witchcraft homosupremacist dyking fraternity run the show…’
Sandy strode over to Marcus, grabbed his collar and laughingly put all 200lbs of worthless Beltway-craving pork refuse against the wall.
A genuine spasm of terror flashed over Marcus’ face.
‘Ever make any snide comments like that about Jane again.’
Marcus squinted so hard, it looked like he was trying to pop his eyes; if, of course, there had anything been anything nearly substantial enough to be even worth the popping, under all those greasy rolls of repugnant surplus calorie-dripping tissue.
‘That is sooo fuckin’ stupid,’ Marcus muttered.
‘His name is “Jake.” Not “Jane.’’ You’re catering to this guy’s delusions. He’s not even gone full-blown-castration-ops yet.
‘Or whatever the PC term for that one is by now.
‘I swear to you, Sandy, I mean I can’t even keep track of this shit!’
Almost more amused than furious, Sandy towered over Marcus and pinched his cheek… hard.
Just like when they were growing up, and Marcus used to mock the girls about their periods.
‘Ow! Fuck you!’ roared Marcus.
‘Don’t worry, Marcus,’ sneered Sandy.
‘Transgender people in Egypt are going through a hell of a lot worse now, thanks to your party’s Humanitarian Blitzkrieg against the secularists.’
Marcus quivered with rage.
‘They weren’t secularists at all, Sandy. They are authoritarian tyrants, who hate our freedom, and want to bring socialism to Egypt, just like Stalin!’
Sandy roared with laughter.
‘You actually still think “socialism” and “Stalinism” are synonymous terms? What, is it like still the 80s or something?’
Marcus wrinkled his bulging brow, with a gaping bewilderment that was not so purely contrived as one might assume, but that was every bit as defiant as one would generally expect from such a ‘notable public figure’ as Senator Marcus Charleston Bubble.
‘Yes. Yes I do. Socialism is tyranny. By definition!
‘Socialism is tyranny, progressivism is tyranny, flaming liberal capitulationism is tyranny, fascism is tyranny, the homosexual agenda of a sizable proportion of the evil Nazi brotherhood is tyranny, Islam is tyranny, other terrorist creeds are tyranny, especially the eco-vandals, and Episcopalian heathenism is tyranny, and the stupid liberalizing media vermin infesting Jew York Shitty and Jew York State are destroying this country too!
‘Oh, and by the way, so is that loser fake-ass RINO Saul Friedman. Satisfied?!’
Sandy glared at Marcus. She truly loathed him now as much as ever.
‘I’ve noticed you never say this shit openly on TV, Marcus. Any particular reason?’
Marcus pushed Sandy away and, in the process of doing so, stumbled and fell on his gut.
‘You asshole! You pushed me, Sandy! I’m the governor of Georgia, the actual Georgia governor, and you pushed me!’
Sandy put her foot on Marcus’ neck.
‘You don’t have the courage of your convictions. Why don’t you go on NBC and tell everyone what you really think about…
‘Well, about pretty much everyone!’
Marcus rolled onto his back, consumed with fury.
‘Pretty much everyone? Dear God, sis, what the hell are you even talking about?
‘I mean, anyone who is a patriotic, God-fearing citizen can be a part of this country.
‘Now, does it seriously say anywhere in our party’s Constitution that we can’t have any fucking queers in it?
‘No, now look, Sandy! I have absolutely nothing whatsoever against people who are fucking insanely deluded enough to get their fucking dicks chopped off.
‘You know, just so long as they aren’t doing it openly and shamelessly in the street, in front of our kids!’
Sandy kicked Marcus in the ass, her slender foot almost disappearing forever beneath the suppurating folds of grease and wrinkled pale ‘n’ pink.
‘Really? Really, Marco boy? People castrating themselves in the streets?
‘You know what, I think you actually need to start seeing a therapist, Marcus, because your sexual fantasies are starting to take over your life. You’re starting to actually believe your own pathetic smears.
‘And by the way, why don’t you actually speak with Jane? Or is it beneath you? She can tell you there is a hell of a lot more to being transgender than getting your sack cut.
‘I mean, I should know. Jane is the woman I am spending the rest of my life with!’
Marcus struggled to his feet.
‘Look, you don’t even understand what’s going on here. You aren’t even a proper lesbian!’
Sandy roared with laughter.
‘A “proper” lesbian? Like what, you mean, the “girls” on your laptop?’
Marcus bellowed at the topic of his voice.
‘Are you insinuating that Senator Marcus Charleston Bubble watches immoral and ungodly videos?’
Sandy condescendingly patted Marcus on the head.
‘No-no-no-no-no, Markie boy. I’m stating a cast-iron fact.
‘Indeed, I don’t even need any actual evidence for it.
‘Well. It seems we’ve all somehow got the measure of you now, brother dearest!’
Marcus gestured to the door.
‘Listen, you need to go now. I have some video research to do.
‘Oh, no, no, no! Now, here we go!
‘No, just you shut the hell up and listen, Sandy!
‘I am looking at the videos of when I got pulled out of the wreckage.
‘Now apparently, there are all these here weird, self-indulgent narcissists who have absolutely nothing better to do with their time than go over these video for hours on end, trying to claim it was all staged, and the building didn’t actually fall on me when those filthy Sahara maggots from the United Iranian Embassy, or Emirates, or, or whatever, blew up that building.
‘Well, it does seem these guys must be some sick-ass kinda twisted, anally paranoid narcissists to just sit flicking through these videos hour after hour.
‘So, I’m going to have a look at these videos, gather several files of evidence, and see if there is some way we can evade the SLAPP laws on some technicality, so that we can have these idiotic Jew comedians in Friedmansville bleeding shitty beat-up shekels out of their asses for a thousand years!’
Sandy swaggered over to the door.
‘Remember Jane and I are singing at Pigpunk Scandal the night after tomorrow in Tucson. The offer’s there! The first Bubba Sands tour is the biggest event in decades!’
Bubble was so furious to hear this, he could barely breathe.
‘And after all,’ Sandy threw out with a wink, ‘You don’t want to fall any further behind the curve, Marcus!’
Marcus threw an empty cup, which Sandly deftly ducked.
‘For the last fricking time, no!’ he roared.
‘I mean, look, I’ve nothing against the transgenders, I mean, these transgender community folks, you know, like this, this husband or however you call this guy of yours, OK fine, girlfriend, whatever!
‘But no way, Sandy, I tell you this: I am not having my own sister promoting this immoral transgender lifestyle, this transgender supremacist Kool-Aid cult of yours, or encouraging the Jewish school boards to indoctrinate our kids in this worthless, suicidal depravity.
‘I mean, don’t you realize that it’s this hippy liberal free love bullshit that’s causing these filthy Arabs to come to our country to try and kill us, and destroy our way of life?
‘Well, as the saying goes: “If it wasn’t for all you queers and trannies with your alternative lifestyle nonsense, there wouldn’t be no such thing as all this here dirty Arab terrorism.”
‘It’s you folks that are literally the only thing standing in the way of peace!
‘So think on, sis!
‘Behind closed doors, for sure, you can be my sister!
‘But in public, you can forget it!
‘No, I am putting my foot down, sweetheart!
‘As soon as we step outside these doors, our family ties no longer exist.
‘So, I guess if you want to bring shame on your family with this crazy lesbo punk music bullshit of yours, well, that’s your funeral.
‘But I ain’t havin’ none of it!
‘So, just don’t you dare ever forget my first priority is to my country, and not to your infantile delusions of a counterfeit liberty and freedom that is 100% unrecognizable to me, and let’s be honest, to pretty much anyone else in this world with a shred of conscience!
‘Yup! The moment you walk out that door, you are not my sister any longer.
‘I mean, if I saw you lying dying in the street from a sudden AIDS attack or something foolish like that, there are plenty of other folks out there to dial 911.
‘But I’ve had enough, Sandy. America First, America Last, and American Everything In Between.
‘And if you freedom-hating sexual decadents don’t get with the program, well you can go and live in some other shitty country that suits your idiotically high-minded artistic-nihilist standards!’
This last barrage of cuts was the most cruel of all.
Sandy kept her composure, and left the door.
She reached the elevator, and all of a sudden burst into floods of tears.
If it wasn’t for all you queers and trannies with your alternative lifestyle nonsense, there wouldn’t be no such damn thing as all this here dirty Arab terrorism…
‘That’s exactly what our father said before he burst that blood vessel.
‘And Marcus said it on purpose.
‘My own flesh and blood; the only one I have left.
‘I lost the love and the affection of my father because I couldn’t live this way; not like that. I tried, I really did try so, very, very hard.
‘And today, we are the only two left.
‘And now my brother is getting his revenge.
‘And the pills just aren’t working any more.
‘Jane… I’m sorry.
‘I really am so, so, sorry.
‘If only you knew.
‘I swear, I swear, I just can’t do this anymore.’
Sandy’s quivering hands reached inside her handbag, one last time.
‘I’m doing this for us; if only you could understand, Jane. If only you could understand…’
Sandy’s screams echoed terrifying across the lift shaft, as the elevator gushed with blood.
The bill for elevator repairs and cleaning-up Marcus was to send to Jane the following week was the least of her concerns.
But Marcus made sure to add as a parting shot:
So make no mistake, Jake, or Jane, or whatever the hell you want to call yourself.
This bill is not an olive branch.
This is all strictly business.
I haven’t forgiven you and your stupid bro-fags for killing my sister.
I just wish that it was you who had killed yourself instead.
At least I’d still have had someone left.
So just go ahead and fucking do the decent thing, would you?
Well, preferably after you’ve coughed up, huh?
Guess there’s at least one good thing left in this world you can do, right?
Oh, and by the way…
Before you go crying to those liberal shills of yours about this letter: I know all about this health insurance crap of yours.
Non-disclosure of HIV positive status is an offense under federal law, so I would seriously advize you to watch your step if you’re inclined to try anything funny!
Make of that what you will….
Still, if nothing else, I’m glad the suicide got to Sandy before that filthy gay plague of yours did.
Ha! Well, thank Heavens for small mercies, hey?
So I’m gonna make you a deal, Jakie boy.
Just you cough up the cash, give me my money (cos I always know what’s mine!), and secondly, shut the fuck up, and as far as I’m concerned, you and your shitty insurance fraud ‘oversight’ never even existed!
I mean, I’m not gonna lie to you.
I could go come down very, VERY hard on you, so fucking hard you have LITERALLY NO IDEA!
But actually, for what it’s worth, I’m just that little bit too distraught about what you’ve done to Sandy to be genuinely angry.
So, Marcus Bubble ain’t bitter to his good ol’ Jakiebums.
I’m giving you a really good opportunity to give some money back to this state and undo some small part of the damage you’ve done.
Take it or leave it!