Tag Archive | "gop"

4 out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit Liking Dick


Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources.

Hard numbers from a recent survey revealed that most Republicans still support Dick Cheney as Vice-President, while Barack Obama’s poll numbers have apparently gone flaccid.

In fact, Cheney’s approval numbers continue to remain rock solid despite a spat of spectacular sex scandals that rocked the GOP a decade ago. Nostalgia surrounds Republican Senator Larry Craig’s 2007 arrest in a men’s airport bathroom.

While potentially incriminating on the surface, the Idaho Senator offered a turgid alibi for his behavior, which apparently wasn’t fear of flying.

For those who have slept since then, Craig denied that tapping his right foot, blocking the stall door with his luggage and grabbing the undercover officer’s leg was a signal to engage in lewd behavior.

Craig suggested that he was merely asking for “toilet paper”.

Later providing the arresting officer with a business card that identified him as a senator, Craig does admit that telling the officer, “Excuse me while I whip this out,” may have been a little too suggestive in a men’s room setting. But he refused to apologize for expressing his fondness for Dick.

“Dick made me what I am today,” he allegedly said just before being arrested.

Senator Craig’s encounter was only one in a daisy-chain of events placing prominent Republicans in the dim spot-light of public toilets.

Also in 2007 Florida Republican Bob Allen, a champion of anti-gay legislation and notorious Dick lover, was accused of offering sex to a black, undercover officer in a park restroom because he didn’t “trust him”.

To his credit, at least he didn’t try and shoot him. As if that excuse and $20 isn’t bizarre enough, Allen also sponsored a bill to crack down on soliciting sex in public parks.

If you read between the lines, it’s apparent that Allen is an advocate of just giving it away, rendering the need to solicit a moot point. As for the $20, that apparently was for “stimulating the local economy”.

OK, most people use “Johnson” instead of “local economy” as a euphemism but we can’t really criticize him for that.

When you add other prominent Republicans like Representative Mark Foley and evangelical Ted Haggard to the strange brew of fallen, staunchly anti-gay politicians, you discover the one thing they all have in common: they all like Dick.

Sure, Cheney probably appreciates the support and a variation on the old “I Like Ike” buttons might garner special interest attention. But without the comic genius of Karl Rove, it’s going to be tough to parlay the virtual transformation of the GOP into the “Gay Old Party”.

Only Rove could exploit the biggest piece of political parody since Dave Chappelle portrayed a blind Klan leader who didn’t know he was black.

Of course, some Democrats have demonstrated willingness to reach around…I mean across the aisle and meet the GOP halfway on many issues, especially when it comes to Dick. Dick Cheney has the heart of a Hoover Vacuum cleaner and brings people from many diverse backgrounds together to pound out the tough issues.

For instance, in 2010 Democrat New York Congressman Eric Massa abruptly resigned after only 14 months on the job amid allegations that he sexually harassed an underpaid staff member at a house Massa shared with four other staffers. Using the excuse it was simply a “tickle fight” the embattled Democrat found it unpopular at the time to admit his love of Dick.

Placed in this context, it is absolutely amazing the GOP has survived intact and re-taken both Houses while maintaining the illusion of moral authority. As long as Ted Cruz doesn’t get a Boehner around Rand Paul, it’s likely they’ll continue to hold the high ground on the down low.

“There are only two ways to fix this satirical situation,” snickered, Bill Clinton’s former political strategist James Carville. “Hand jobs to your critics and keep the jerks off the news.”

Clinton himself could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly, “Reorganizing his collection of chubby-chaser jokes from the mid 90’s.” Meanwhile even Hillary reluctantly admitted, “I like Dick ever now and then!”

Most would have sworn she was partial to Bush.

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GOP Has Perfected Bush/Cheney Clone to Take Over 2016 Election


Republican geneticists have succeeded in their long term project to clone George W. Bush and Dick Cheney into a composite entity to enter into the 2016 Presidential elections.

This modern Frankenstein, born in a petrie dish and reared in secret, has been specially educated and trained to be an unswerving right wing pundit.

It has been modified genetically so that it develops to physical maturity in just a few years. The creature will never reached mental maturity, but that is nothing that the Republicans are not used to. Read the full story

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A Psalm for the Tea Party


1) The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.

2) He maketh me lie down in untaxed green pastures: he leadeth me to the clear waters of pro-Gun states where I can shoot deer or thieves as God intended; no libs shall take my guns away.

3) He restoreth our souls to their Constitutional originals; he leadeth us down the righteous right-wing path where no left-leaning wingnuts lie in wait. Read the full story

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Mitch McConnell Totally “¿Amores?” Minority Voters


Another Mitch McConnell campaign video Fact-Checked, another one rated 100% True!, depending on how you feel about beige people.

We’ve already fact-checked his Mitch McConnell Supports Women and Mitch Supports your Big Business of Every size, and found them to be true, so this comes as no surprise. Read the full story

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GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan


The GOP is getting worried about outside infiltration and even supernatural omens, as rumor has it that Rick Perry has revealed himself to aides as the literal anti-Reagan.

No need to worry about fire and brimstone, signs in the Heavens, and the standard apocalyptic phenomena which might conceivably be interpreting as heralding the end of days for some Republicans, as you’ll read.

There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan:

“Yes, it’s true. You’ve heard it. I’m the anti-Reagan. I do declare it. What does this mean? Well, Reagan began as a film star and then became more famous as a politician. But my career trajectory has gone in the opposite direction; I am a politician whose entire fame and fortune is founded on one short video from my election campaign. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Sorry about that, it does that every couple minutes. Yes, one great video. How many Democrats can say that about their careers? Or even Republicans? How about you, Rand Paul™? Huh? You may think you are a bit special™, a cut above™, a bit different from the rest of us in the GOP™, but how many viral videos with countless parodies have you made? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Wow, that’s really annoying, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hell, even Arnie; who is he? How many people watch Jingle all the Way, except when their kids get sick on the couch in December and you’re too drunk on Christmas spirits to care? But my media creation has stood the test of time. It doesn’t take a whole studio™ to make a video, it takes just one talented individual™. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Not sure if I’m being Punk’d or something. Texas has a ‘tough on crime’ governor, unless you elect some soft liberal after I’m gone. It really is pretty annoying and I’m sorry how this interview must be THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Okay, again, how many Democrats or Republicans have ever achieved what I have achieved in the cinematic world? My video from that elections campaign, it’s got me, it’s got everything, an entire glorious technicolor universe of just about everything the heart could desire or contemplate: gays, the military, gays in the military™, militant gays™, educational issues, religion, politics, religious politics and the politics of religion; and did I mention gays in the military™x5,000? Phew! Wow!

“Oh, and militant gays™x10,000 too! I mean, it’s like the whole damn universe condensed into about three short minutes! Forget about Hollywood, have you ever seen a Hollywood film that is so vast and encyclopedic in its scope, yet lasts a shorter time than it takes to microwave a sandwich? Well? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.”

I guess this means that Rick Perry always has something to fall back on. Well, if they ever make a film of Ronald Reagan, they will have to pick someone else, as it sounds like Perry is more into artsy-fartsy tableau miniatures, not mainstream stuff to be shown in standard cine-plexes.

Or he could pull a Tom Delay and go on Dancing with the Stars, or a Rod Blagojevic and take a spot on Celebrity Survivor.

With his talent for such an elevated form of cinematic production, he might even be able to continue his cinematic career in France, “le pays de la culture™”, although I guess we’d better not tell him that.

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Ideas Man Newt Gingrich Finally Solves Fiscal Responsibility Problem


The new Newt Gingrich is re-branding himself as the Ideas Man™ of the Republican Party, but this time he’s outdone even himself with an astonishingly innovative solution.

“You know what, everybody? We all know about the fiscal responsibility problem, and it’s really intractable. Too much dogmatism on both sides, unwillingness to compromise, the whole complexity of the situation. You know I’m no idealist, I’m a practical thinker, not a bookworm. (Ouch!™ fail!).

“Well, I’ve got an idea that will solve all our problems in one stroke. Why not just abolish taxes? You can’t get much smaller government than that!”

This idea has actually been quite well received by both parties, although there are still some… shall we say, minor disagreements.

Barney Frank suggests abolishing taxes only for anyone not on an obscene wage, while Grover Norquist thinks abolishing corporation tax and all taxes for people earning above a middle-class income (however defined) is the right way to go.

Still, it looks like there’s going to be some progress on this issue after all.

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GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration


On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man’s job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn’t disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut Read the full story

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Robopundit Alex Castellanos Soft Sells Republican Anarchism


Dateline: PALO ALTO—Robotics Corp, a Fortune 500 company, treated reporters to a behind-the-scenes look at the manufacturing of their pre-programmed artificial persons for use in selling conservative policies in the United States.

The featured model is called the Alex Castellanos, which belongs to the company’s Moderation Class of automata. Read the full story

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Bi-Partisan Summit Ends Aprubtly After Attendees Unable to Agree Who Gets to be the Car in Monopoly


Monopoly strikes again. No, not the kind that FDR broke-up in the 1930s. This is the kind that tears families apart and tests the boundaries of the relationships of the participants involved.

This is a game that often ends in name-calling and ridiculing Uncle Herman for his obviously fake toupée. This is the board game Monopoly, and it is some serious s*it.

RIGHT: Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) seen here camping out in the Monopoly race car, just to make sure no one else gets it. (CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

With Washington constantly facing polarizing issues such as health care, the budget, and immigration, it is important for members of Congress to occasionally arrange meetings or socialize to some degree across the aisle with members of the opposing party. Read the full story

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GOP Agrees to Raise Debt Ceiling (if 19th Amendment Repealed)


House Majority leader Eric Cantor and Republican House Speaker John Boehner agreed to a short-term budget and debt ceiling increase of 7-9 days, so long as women’s right to vote is repealed. Democrats considering the measure.

The government shutdown is in its third week, and with the debt ceiling crisis only hours away, House republicans lead by serial killer sympathist Dave Reichert (R-WA) have come up with the first compromise that doesn’t involve de-funding the Affordable Care Act.

“It’s simple,” said Reichert, from his still-fully-staffed Washington office, “If the Democrats agree to repeal the 19th amendment, we’ll allow this rampant, destructive spending practice to continue another week or so.”

Dave Reichert is famous as the man who let convicted murderer Gary Ridgeway roam the streets for decades while pursuing dead leads against a cab driver, who ultimately was destroyed by the scandal.

“We’ll cave to pretty much anything at this point,” said Democratic Senate Majority Leader and wet towel Harry Reid. “They’re [the GOP] ready to drive the entire world economy off a cliff to placate the fringe of their party, and we [Democrats] just want stability in the world.”

When asked if Democrats were once more being spineless in the face of Republican obstinance, Reid answered, “Next question.”

President Obama indicated he would sign the bill, but indicated he may use the line-item veto to take out the part about restricting the right of women to vote.

House Republicans, eager to balance the budget, have repeatedly proposed stripping out the Medical Device Tax, which would add roughly $40 billion to the deficit in the next ten years. It makes no sense, but you have to look at it from their perspective, which is that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim Socialist, and in that light, while it still makes no sense, at least makes you feel something inside.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas went on air late last night saying, “The bill doesn’t go far enough. Women shouldn’t vote, we have enough votes in both houses to prove it. But women also shouldn’t be driving. What is this, Saudi Arabia where a small handful drive sometimes with impunity?”

Imams from Bob Jones University and Focus on the Family agreed that this is only a small step toward resolution, and that when the issue comes up again in about a week, further deep concessions will be required from the Democrats to keep the government from destroying the world economy and throwing a hundred nations into economic turmoil.

Former Speaker, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, “We are open to discussions.”

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GOP Right, We DO Need to Slash Military, Raise Taxes


As the Republican shutdown enters its 11th day, the GOP has failed to waiver from their insincere talking points about fiscal responsibility.

But they’re right. We have to cut the deficit and reduce the debt, and the best way to do that is by raising taxes and targeting the most wasteful of all expenses, the military, TSA and homeland security. Read the full story

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Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown


Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown
FOX News and conservative radio like to make out the issue as “both sides are to blame,” or more commonly just casting blame solely on the Democrats, but that’s just not true.

The Republicans are to blame. Period. Read the full story

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America’s Toughest Sheriff to Serve Border Duty in Syria


As violence continues to escalate in the Middle East, millions of refugees have been sent packing to neighboring countries. Many with no other choice but to illegally cross borders.

Not one to take illegal border crossings lightly, self-billed “America’s Toughest Sheriff” Joe Arpaio looks to extend his grip of power to borders in the Middle East beginning with Syria. Read the full story

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Congress to Pit Literal Donkey v. Elephant to Determine Best Political Party


Democrats and GOP Anxious to Find Out How Animals That Represent Them Will Fare in Battle For Zoological Dominance

WASHINGTON DC—In a startling attempt to determine, once in for all, which party reigns supreme in US government, members of congress have agreed to let a donkey and an elephant fight to the death in the foyer of the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

The two creatures will be angered by electrical prodding and then released into a small pen where they will be forced to kick, stomp, and smash each others’ bodies until a survivor is deemed victorious. Read the full story

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Senator Graham Goes For The Low Hanging Fruit


South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham today championed his desire to restrict the ability to own fire arms to those who are no longer capable of knowing right from wrong.

The senator laid out his thoughts in what many believed was a basic assumption with any gun control initiatives currently before either house of congress. Read the full story

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Letter to the editor: CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN are Democrat Networks


The following letter is in response to a story dated October, 21st of last year entitled Shepard Smith to Leave FOX News Over Harassment?. This mad gem comes to us from “Tim Pitchfork” from blah blah whatever.

Tim Pitchford (Carmel, IN) wrote:
Mike Kelly calls Fox the Republican :National ne work, does that mean that CBS, NBC, ABC and CNN are Democrat national networks?

Read the full story

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