MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Read the full story

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Read the full story

“I’ve given it much consideration,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at an impromptu news conference called late Monday afternoon at the New Jersey diner where Christie is a regular customer. “I know that this decision will have a major impact on my wife Mary Pat, as well as my children, and so what I am about to tell you comes from my having spent hours upon hours upon hours spent in deep thought and reflection and it is a decision I do not take lightly.

With baited breath, the audience waited to hear those magical words, that Christie has decided to run for President.

“My fellow Americans, I am here today to announce to you my decision to choose a Weight Watcher’s diet over Atkins. My reasons for doing so…” but the crowd stood in silence. “You mean you’re freakin’ gonna finally go on a diet?” yelled someone from the back of the crowd.

“Yes,” replied Christie, puffing his chest out a bit more, so proud of himself and his decision. “Oh, and by the way, for the hundredth time folks, I am NOT running for President.”

HOLLYWOOD – Look out, Snooki! Here come Newt and Mitt! Watch your back, Simon Cowell! The “TX-Factor” is right behind you!

While television network executives grapple with the generally weak ratings for their new fall lineup – a mostly tepid rehash of formulaic reality shows, sitcoms and police procedurals – the season’s one breakout hit has caught the TV industry completely by surprise with its unique and unprecedented combination of unscripted reality, riotous comedy, blood-thirsty horror and nail-biting suspense.

“They’re running…AND SO SHOULD YOU!” is the promotional catchphrase for what has quickly become the must-see show of the fall 2011 season. Officially entitled “The Republican Presidential Debates” but now more commonly referred to as just “RPD” by its growing legion of rabid fans, the show has already made household names of its plucked-from-near-obscurity stars: Mitt, Rick P., Michele, Newt, Ron, Herman, Jon, Rick S. and Gary.

Offering a compelling mix of reality and fantasy, comedy and tragedy, verbal pratfalls, jaw-dropping misstatements and heated trash-talking – not only about the President of the United States but also about each other – “RFD” is now the number one subject of office water cooler talk on the day following each episode.

“We haven’t talked about a show this much at work ever since Lost ended,” said Lori Enders, an office manager for a medical equipment wholesaler. “And, just as we used to be obsessed with whether Ben, the leader of The Others, was good or evil, now we’re asking the same question about Mitt. I mean, on the one hand, yes, he does look like one of those rich, handsome villains on ‘Colombo’, but then again, whenever he’s standing next to Rick P., it makes me think, well, at least Mitt doesn’t look like a serial killer.”

“I loved it when Rick P. told Mitt that he must not have a heart if he was against letting the children of illegal aliens pay lower in-state university tuition fees,” said self-proclaimed “RFD fanatic” Chris O’Dell. “It’s like, wow, when a guy who has overseen the execution of 234 prisoners says you have no heart, then you’ve really got to be one cold motherf**ker, right?”

“My favorite is Michele,” said LeeAnne Henderson, a high school student. “She’s so pretty, and I was so sorry for her when she explained that the reason she’s mentally retarded is because some woman in the audience injected her with some government anti-STD vaccine. I’m sure as heck not going to get a vaccination like that and risk giving cancer to one of my many boyfriends when we’re having unprotected sex. Now, every time Michele speaks, I’m always yelling at the screen, ‘You go, girl! Show ‘em what a mentally disabled person can do!’”

But, all fans agree that the real stars of “RPD” are the members of its studio audiences, who succeed in transforming the show from a mere political debate into something more closely resembling a gladiatorial blood-fest at the Roman Coliseum.

“When the audience cheered for letting that hypothetical uninsured 30-year-old sick man die, or when they booed that gay soldier in Iraq who’s putting his life on the line for us, I was like, whoa, this is the most terrifying show in the history of television!” said Earl Patterson, an unemployed auto mechanic. “Really. Those people make the flesh-eating zombies on ‘The Walking Dead’ or the ravenous vampires on ‘True Blood’ look like a bunch of pussies.”

“They also make me realize how much I miss ‘The Jerry Springer Show’,” Patterson noted.

Finally, “RPD” has broken even more new ground by airing each of its episodes on a different television network. So far, the show’s ratings beneficiaries have been Fox, CNN and NBC. But there’s no doubt that the other networks, enviously observing the success of “RPD”, will be hurrying to produce their own knock-off versions of the show.

Fox itself is already rumored to be in development of its own exclusive series, which builds on the existing “RPD” format with exciting additions such as the live execution of a convicted felon and a competition in which audience members submit their most virulent epithets for President Obama in order to vie for the chance to disconnect a terminally ill patient’s Medicaid-funded life support.

Meanwhile, the best news for viewers is that the 2012 U.S. presidential election is still more than a year away. So, stay tuned!

“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist?

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.” Read the full story

Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t really hate anybody. Except for the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada” song; he should be water boarded. Read the full story

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.” Read the full story

Most people have not taken the time to wonder what would happen if you spelled Adam Lambert’s name backwards. Mostly because it doesn’t really spell anything. Trebmal Mada may be a word in a foreign language. It could translate to ‘working giant jungle cat.’ We simply do not know. Read the full story

AMES, IA —GlossyNews The Iowa GOPTea party Straw Poll August 13th will be the more unusual considering the political times it will record. GOPTea Chairman Matt Strawn, one-N-short-of-namesaking the Iowa Straw Poll, announced today that the listing of candidates will be quite unique in 2011, as it will be a ballot with 10 blank name-spaces. Read the full story

Just as no one knows the cause of earthquakes, sudden mass culture changes are a matter of great mystery to sociologists. History is rife with instances of these shifts. Communist Russia was seen as heroic, but then all of America changed its mind in 1946. Cigarettes were once the epitome of cool, but now smokers are pariahs huddled outside office buildings as if waiting for the next train to Auschwitz. And of course, there’s Adam Lambert. Read the full story

The Daily Trough reports that Grand Old Party Speaker of the House John Boehner has categorically denied political and special interests in current GOP debt-ceiling strategies.

A spokesperson on behalf of the party, who wishes to remain anonymous, has said, “We categorically reject that our aim is to obstruct any and all efforts by the Obama administration to work out a compromise. We are absolutely interested in compromise and serving the people of this great nation. Read the full story

Sarah Palin announced today that she will be giving up a life of politics in favor of pursuing her true passion. The decision comes shortly after J.K. Rowling announced her new website Potterworld.

Many will remember that in 1997, a young Palin penned the novel “Harry Potterwitz: And The Prisoner of the Jewish Faith” but was unable to publish after Ms. Rowling beat her to the punch with the publication of her first Harry Potter book. Palin was outraged that a book on witchcraft prevented her publishing her proselytizing Christian tale and vowed never to be scooped again by Rowling. Read the full story

GMA NEW YORK —GlossyNews “We stood up and didn’t back away. We told everyone, ‘We’re In It to Win It,’ and we didn’t back down. Really, we didn’t back down,” former Senator Rick Santorum said. No one was standing next to him as he spoke at this televised pre-announcement press conference to announce his decision to have a presidential campaign kick-off press conference. Read the full story

Fur started to fly just hours after Michele Bachmann publicly announced that Sarah Palin would be her top choice for VP in the 2012 presidential elections. This announcement came on the heels of her expected announcement to officially seek the GOP nomination for President in 2012.

When a reporter asked her, “Do you have any clue whom you might want to run alongside you if you do get the GOP nod?” Bachmann didn’t hesitate. Read the full story

It was a scary 72 hours this past weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. Read the full story

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Even if you haven’t been following our recent series, you may know that recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans masterfully debated in New Hampshire.

Two hours is a long time to have to sit and watch, even if playing buzzword bingo as a drinking game. For your convenience, Read the full story