Tag Archive | "conservatives"

Democrats Turn to Religion to Pray for Palin’s Demise


San Francisco, CA (GlossyNews) — “I never thought I would pray for somebody to flat-out die,“ said liberal turned Christian, Marty Hayes. “But I’ve been praying hard for this one. I can’t stand to hear Palin’s voice, it sounds like the hounds of hell to me.“

Similar sentiments are coming from millions of Democrats who never thought they’d be seen down on their knees with hands clasped and begging eyes turned upward. A Priest from an Episcopal Church that only one month ago was worried about keeping the lights on, has mixed feeling about the turn of events. Read the full story

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Neo-Nazis Deny Closet Homosexuality


Los Angeles, CA (BNSE) — A contentious rally of Neo-Nazis in central Los Angeles erupted into laughter earlier this week as Fascist supporting speakers vehemently denied taunts from hundreds of assembled protesters accusing them of closet homosexuality.

“We are not gay,” shouted one World War II era-esque SS uniformed speaker. “Homosexuality is an abomination against God, and a sin to the white race,” he screamed as he pounded on his metal spike studded leather codpiece. “You’re all going to rot in hell!” Read the full story

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Huckabee Apologizes to Zombies


Fort Smith, Ark-Kansas (GlossyNews) — Following a storm of controversy, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today released a press statement seeking to clarify his recent Zombie remarks, in what was seen by many as electoral politics damage control.

“In a recent speech, I compared Werewolves to Zombies, and some have incorrectly taken my statements as denigrating towards the brain eating community. This was never my intent. I have always believed diversity is one of our nation’s strengths, and Zombies are an important part in that. Read the full story

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Democrats Reaching Out to Werewolves


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — Speaker Pelosi this week followed triumph with triumph, again displaying her political acumen by securing the coveted Werewolf vote. The move stunned even Pelosi’s harshest critics speechless, shaking their heads in grudging admiration.

A visibly euphoric Pelosi introduced Larry Talbot to reporters at her tastefully decorated offices, and wisely stepped back from the spotlight, savoring yet another victory. Mr. Talbot, chairman of the Lycanthrope Support Network put a decidedly ‘middle America’ face on the usually apolitical Werewolf community.
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Band of Apes Challenges Theory of Evolution


Bailey’s Crossroads, VA (GlossyNews) — A band of African Mountain Gorillas has arrived in Washington D.C. for a hearing in District Court to debunk Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, and challenge the findings in the famous Scopes Monkey Trial that allows the teaching in public schools that man has evolved from a lower order of animals.

“It’s stupid, really,” said head ape, known only as Mubundo. “We’ve been sitting out there in that sweltering hell-hole for thousands of years and are we human yet? Read the full story

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Michael Moore Added to Supreme Court List to Spite Conservatives


Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) Both critics and supporters of President Obama are expressing equal measures of dismay by a recent announcement that liberal filmmaker Michael Moore is on the short list to replace Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens.

Justice Stevens , a 90 year old man everyone thought would cling to his seat until grim death, is finally vacating his his position, paving the way for Obama to nominate his second Supreme Court Justice after Sonia Sotomayor. Read the full story

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Obama to Nominate Oprah to Supreme Court


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise move President Obama is set to nominate media mogul Oprah Winfrey to fill the Supreme Court vacancy created by retiring Justice John Paul Stevens.

According to sources Winfrey will continue starring in her popular television show while serving on the court, and there is no change in her plan to launch new cable tv programming next year.

“With her new cable show airing at night, she’ll have more flexibility in her schedule,” said a senior administration official. “There will be a transition period, but she’s a superstar who can multitask.” Read the full story

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White Janitor at Alabama State Home Protests Obamacare


A white janitor working in the Alabama State Home for the Mentally Infirm is furious about the new law approved by Congress to give all Americans access to health care.

“We dun had enough of this danged cooned-ass President trying to take away all our freedoms and now he’s a tryin’ to give us helf care. And den I guess it’s gonna be our guns after dat!” claimed Billy Marshall, whose worked at the home as a trustee after being released from life long custody in 1984. “We’re all pissed off and as soon as I get a ride up to Birming’am I’m a gonna make em wicht they ain’t never messed with us white folks down here in Ayabama.” Read the full story

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Michael Savage is Really a Little Dick


Jacksonville, Ms (GlossyNews) — The fans of right wing talk show host Michael Savage are leaving him in droves upon learning that he is not really ‘Savage’ but actually a wienie. It was revealed today that his real name is Michael Alan Weiner.

Sponsors at the San Francisco radio station that air ‘Weiner’ are heatedly considering dropping the radio super star. “How can we have a guy with a sissy name like Weiner pushing our agendas for taking over the nation? Weiner sounds like the name of one of the Castro Street transvestite sluts!” said Marcus Bentmind, President of Americans For Controlling Everything. Read the full story

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Romney Cooks Up New Image for 2012


CHICAGO, IL (GlossyNews) — During an interview in a Chicago bus station on Wednesday, Mitt Romney said, “I think that one of the things that’s very important in running a successful presidential campaign is to make sure that voters can easily recognize what you are known for – those things that really motivate you.” He held up his new signature snow globe with WTF initials inside. Read the full story

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Obama Sends Sarah Palin on Secret Mission


Camp David (GlossyNews) — President Obama has promised to grant Sarah Palin her biggest wish ever -an inkling of credibility- if she can locate the most wanted man in the world, Osama bin Laden, and bring back his walking cane.

The ‘secret’ mission dubbed by Democrats as the ‘Bimbo in Limbo’ is a way to show that President Obama is willing to work with Palin, while allowing her to do something productive besides running her mouth. Palin, however, still plans to feed her fans inflammatory statements via Twitter during the entire process. Read the full story

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GOP Brings Out the Gimp in BSDM Club


Hollywoodland, CA (GlossyNews) — On its website, California’s Voyeur Club bills itself “an elegant, discrete setting where fetishists visually enjoy a full immersion in all aspects of the lifestyle.” That was the good old days, before last week. Unwanted publicity came recently with news the GOP had reimbursed an operative for $2,000 of ‘lifestyle immersion.’ The scandal slaps a Republican Party already on its knees after passage of the healthcare legislation. Read the full story

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Dems Respond to Vampire Corruption Charges


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — It began with whispers and raised eyebrows, then quickly became a prairie fire. So far only the venerable Helen Thomas, speaking at D.C.’s popular Make It Look Like a Business Expense Bistro, has found courage to say that this may be our generation’s Watergate, or worse. Read the full story

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Obama Discovers Cancer Cure: Republicans Outraged


WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise press conference this morning, Barack Obama announced to the American public that he has discovered the cure for cancer.

“Several well-known medical researchers and I have finally found a way to put an end to this menacing disease,” President Obama declared. “The short treatment is completely safe, 100-percent effective and carries no side effects whatsoever.” Read the full story

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Craigslist Ad Looking for Master Catapult Builder


As recently seen on Austin Craigslist:

EXPERIENCED CATAPULT BUILDER (N. AUSTIN)

Date: 2010-03-26, 9:33PM CDT
Reply to: job-phthuttt-1639419@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Group of Investors looking for experienced carpenter to build over-sized catapult sturdy enough to fling Rush Limbaugh all the way to Costa Rica and help him make good on his promise to leave the country if the health care reform bill became law. Read the full story

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Cookie Monster Robs Girl Scouts: Three dead


Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — In what was considered shocking, even by Detroit standards, the beloved blue Sesame Street character today staged a bloody robbery at a suburban strip mall. No Girl Scouts were injured, but three shoppers were killed in a hail of bullets witnesses termed “confusing.”

Police declined to name the victims, pending notification of relatives, but stated the Cookie Monster made off with fourteen boxes of Tagalongs and eight boxes of Do-Si-Dos. Read the full story

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