Tag Archive | "conservatives"

Poor Banned from Using Money


Today in the US the upper classes succeeded in getting a bill passed banning poor people from using money.

“Money is too good for them.” stated Raymond Emory III, a third generation trust funder, “They only spend it on the little things like food and shelter instead of wonderful things like jewelry or fabulous fashions.”

“The poor live at such a low level anyway.” quipped Ms. Nelly Riva, a photo model who gets paid 20 times her weight daily.

“They could just live off what we cast off and live on the edges of town and use our old boxes to build shanties. Let those of us with important jobs like modeling and selling cosmetics have all the money to use properly.” Read the full story

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Obama Imposes Shopping Cart Safety Measures for Kids


BALTIMORE, Maryland (GlossyNews) — The Obama Administration, in another unprecedented exercise of governmental control, has ordered the Consumer Protection Agency to implement sweeping new safety codes to protect children in shopping carts. The strict new rules will carry the force of law across America, but they are implemented by the Consumer Protection Agency – a body of appointed, not elected, officials who answer directly to the President and his cabinet.

The laws, which go into effect November 1, 2010, are designed to protect children and are based on a recent study which showed that over 24000 children are admitted to hospitals each year from accidents resulting from shopping cart incidents. While the reforms are meant to protect children, they severely hinder the rights and responsibilities of parents to control and monitor their own children’s behavior. Read the full story

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Palin Stops Short of Referring to Self as Martyr (Barely)


TURLOCK, Calif. (GlossyNews) — In yet another controversial appearance of Sarah Palin, this time at the California State University, Stanislaus campus, Sarah complained of how her message is being met with the same controversy over and over–that she is undeserving of the large sums of money she commands for her appearance fees. Read the full story

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The Helen Thomas ‘Chair of Journalism’ Award


WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Who’ll be chosen to fill Helen Thomas’s front row seat in the White House briefing room? With serious, big-time lobbying in full-out high dudgeon between Fox and Bloomberg, something has to give soon.

It seems to be slowly pointing to the man with the most — whoa here now — this just in … it looks like it is going to be announced in a minute or two that Fox will win out after all.

Public word from this just-released WHCA press release that Team Murdoch/Ailes have won, with their [secret] submission of the name that will fill that front row seat. Read the full story

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White Liberals Vow to Never Laugh Again


Auston, TX (GlossyNews) — A group of middle-aged white liberals in Austin, Texas has vowed to never laugh at anything again. Group spokesman, Broice Kafoudlink, or as he is known in the organization, King Fuddy Duddy, declared at a recent “No Laugh, No Way” meeting that, “It’s about time people stopped laughing. Read the full story

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Woman Assaults Coffee Shop Patrons with Ditto Head Diatribe


Seattle, WA (GlossyNews) — Kaitlin Greely has found her way into Tawdry Soup for the second time time this year. This time by impressing patrons at the local coffee shop and veggie deli with her deep knowledge of Rush Limbaugh’s latest positions on all things political.

In a commanding voice that began in the service line, and stretched to the two-person table Greely shared with an unknown male companion, she wowed patrons while loudly going off about Obama being a Socialist Nazi, how the oil well blowout in the Gulf is good for the environment, why we should lock up homeless people for stealing grocery carts, how Michael J. Fox is simply a herky jerky meth addict, and that if Ronald Reagan was still President, there wouldn’t be any Mexicans in America. Read the full story

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Palin’s Pillow Talk with a Patriot


Wilmington, De Patriot Time Travel — 1782 – On a recent time travel expedition to the late 1700’s, Sarah Palin found herself in bed with Jacob Broom, another B-level politician some consider a Founding Father and a man “who knows one when he sees one.” According to a report from an ear-witness known only as “Mary,” a conversation overheard coming from behind a certain ramshackle wall went something like this:

“How was that?”

“Mmmm baby girl, you know what I like” Read the full story

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Gov Sanford to Leave GOP; No Longer a ‘Conservative’


Columbia, SC (GlossyNews) — Conservatives, led by newly divorced adulterer, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (exR), whose marriage ended earlier this year after lying about his whereabouts and cheating on his wife, have lost their patience with the news media that continues to pry into their every indiscretion.

Sanford, who recently spent a vacation in Florida renewing his passion with his foreign girlfriend, became irate when journalists showed more interest in his lack of integrity and morals than in his feeble attempts to actually govern. Read the full story

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Obama Fails to Appoint Deist to Supreme Court


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — President Obama, refusing to yield to the demands of Tea Party agitators, has once again failed to appoint a Deist to the Supreme Court.

Obama has announced that he will nominate Elena Kagan to the court, choosing a Jewish woman to preside over the legacy of the white, Deist, Founding Fathers. Read the full story

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When Free Cheese Isn’t Socialism


By the fireplace — I have a friend who is an unusual case in point for our present national attitudes. Let us call him ‘Sam’. If I used his real name, and he found out, he would be hurt and angry. Even though it is the truth.

Especially because it is the truth.

Sam is a real flesh and blood person. A VERY real flesh and blood person Read the full story

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Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (1)

Man killed by Laura Bush in Car Crash Demands Royalty Cut


Mike Douglas, the young man killed by Laura Bush in a car crash in 1963, has demanded a cut of the royalties from her upcoming memoir. The book is being promoted entirely on the fact that Bush killed Douglas in a car crash and now feels bad about it. Sort of. In fact, the promo mixes up some kind of religious horseshit on top of the tragedy to make Bush come out some kind of hero. Read the full story

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President Obama Detained at Phoenix Airport


Phoenix, AZ (GlossyNews) -– President Barack Obama was detained for a brief period yesterday at the Phoenix, AZ Airport by TSA officials while police determined whether or not to arrest him for not having proper identification with him at the time he touched down in their state. President Obama was in Phoenix to speak at a fundraiser for Democratic candidates willing to take on the Republicans in this year’s Senate race. Read the full story

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Second Dumbest Man on Earth Ghost Writes Bush Memoir


Odessa, TX (GlossyNews) — Larry Kones, known as the Second Dumbest Man on Earth, has completed the memoir of the presidency of George W. Bush hitting the discount bins at bookstores nationwide on November 9. Ghost writer Kones was chosen from a pool of candidates known for their breathtaking lack of intelligence. A few of the runners-up were a worm, a piece of corn, a glass of water and a pickle. But Kones won out because of his impressive resume that includes lengthy stints as a hanger untangler for Goodwill, skyhook operator, professional snipe wrangler and his efficient “hunt and peck” typing style. Read the full story

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Elmer Fudd Named New Conservative Spokesperson


Who else can totally get away with referring to Republicans as the ‘White Wing?’

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Tea Bagger Shocked That He Helped Create Today’s America


Memphis, TN (GlossyNews) — A raging tea partier activist was shocked to realize the America he is so angry about — was actually created by his generation. “It was quite the epiphany, let me tell you,” said 56 year old Johnny Wiggins, looking over a noisy crowd of protestors at a recent Tea Party protest outside of Nashville. “All these people are so angry-but their generation was in control all this time. I just think everybody’s pissed off because things didn’t work out Read the full story

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Glenn Beck Found Naked, Confused Wandering Along Highway


New Canaan, Connecticut – Fox Television and radio personality, Glenn Beck was found wandering along Merritt Parkway close to his home in New Canaan, Connecticut early Thursday morning around 2 a.m. He was naked and confused and muttering “don’t freakin’ tread on me, don’t freakin’ tread on Glenn Beck, for I am your Savior,” and was taken to the nearest hospital for observation. He was openly weeping. Read the full story

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