Tag Archive | "conservatives"

Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives


UK polling organisations have today published their predictions for the June 8th UK General Election.

They forecast unanimously that the Conservatives will suffer a crushing defeat, losing their majority in parliament.

The pollsters have further predicted that the UK will be governed by a coalition of the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, the Scottish National Party, the Democratic Unionist Party, the Green Party, Plaid Cymru, the Co-operative Party, Sinn Féin, the Social Democratic and Labour Party, UKIP and the Ulster Unionist Party.

‘This evaluation may seem surprising,’ said a spokesperson for the pollsters, ‘but due to the disastrous inaccuracy of recent predictions, we have totally revised our methodology.

‘Previously,’ she continued, ‘we interviewed a statistically valid sample of the voting population to draw our conclusions. You only have to look at what subsequently happened, however, to see that this approach must have been fundamentally flawed: the Brits voted for Brexit, the Yanks voted for Tump and the Turks voted to replace democracy with autocracy – all in total contradiction to our best, statistically based predictions, and, indeed, contrary to common sense.

‘It became clear that mathematics and logic could no longer be applied to national elections or referenda. On recent reckoning, it appears to be just a matter of time before the popular vote leads us all to abandon the wheel, outlaw fire and reside in caves.’

The spokesperson went on to explain that the new methodology had been derived from the actual outcomes of recent elections and referenda.

‘The one common feature of recent ballots,’ she explained, ‘is that results turned out to be the polar opposite of predictions made by the educated, liberal, middle classes.

‘As a consequence, our new predictive methodology simply requires a pollster to drop into any UK pub and strike up a conversation with the first intelligent, educated, liberal, middle class person they encounter. Predictions are then based on the reverse of that person’s expectations.’

Current predictions regarding the 2017 General Election are based on a reversal of views expressed by George Edmonds of London.

George was interviewed by a pollster at the Dog and Ferret in Neasden on the 22nd April 2017.

George is a university educated civil servant who owns a detached house in Wembley Park. He is an active member of his community, has a keen interest in current affairs and leans politically towards the Liberal Democrats. He fits perfectly the newly established profile of a person whose predictions about the outcome of any election or referendum will be as inaccurate as they could possibly be.

George thought it was an inspired political move by Theresa May to call an instant general election. He thought she would win with an increased majority and thus have a mandate to crush all opposition to her government’s policies – particularly in respect of Brexit.

He thought Mrs May would deal with Scotland by building a wall. He had read how this idea had occurred to her when Donald Trump had rung to ask for Hadrian’s phone number.

George further believed that Jeremy Corbyn provided slightly less opposition than a chocolate teapot, and expressed bewilderment as to why Labour Party activists believed their leader’s brand of nineteenth century Marxism could possibly inspire any significant number of the UK’s population to vote Labour. He predicted, therefore, that the Labour vote would plummet.

In summary, therefore, George was convinced that Theresa May would wrong-foot weak and intransigent opponents and would end up in a position akin to Boudicca – as the Iceni queen rode, sword in hand, to obliterate Colchester, London and St. Albans.

‘In the past,’ concluded the spokesperson for the major polling organisations, ‘George’s perspective might have seemed to be a fair analysis, and it would almost certainly have been supported by conventional surveys.

‘The new methodology, however, predicts that the exact opposite of his analysis will occur for reasons that God only knows.

‘Our new analytical model anticipates, therefore, that George Edmonds will once again be saying to the barmaid of the Dog and Ferret on the 9th May: “I don’t believe it. How could everyone have been so stupid again?” On this occasion, however, he will add: “And how on earth could Jeremy Corbyn have possibly become Prime Minister?”’

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Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’


After her recent ‘success’ with the notorious Snooper’s Charter, Theresa ‘Jihadi Tess’ May is now planning to conduct yet another Cameroneque image change for her right-wing party, the Conservatives.

One anonymous source close to the eagle’s mouth tells me: Read the full story

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A3 Song Parody: Torybums Said


The original song by A3 quotes texts which have made available by the Jonestown Foundation. Jim Jones was a fanatic. It’s also fanatical to gut welfare when so much money is wasted on pointless vanity projects. Next time UK elects a Prime Minister, hopefully it will be a government with more character.
***

Pray don’t ever say we are your enemies. My noble benevolence has practically caused me to just get you destroyed. If I had squeezed you a little more, just a little bit more, we would have had a little less trouble.

Yes, you have a social conscience. Idealism! But don’t say ‘Dearest Tory-bums is my enemy!’ Eh? What’s that, oh do calm down, darling. Hearken unto me, chicken: ‘Greed is my enemy and I’ve got to fight for liberty day and night!’ And, ‘what else is death, other than liberty’ is the line. Liberty is the only way?

UTTER PIGGY-POO! FIDDLESTICKS, OLD BEAN! William Tyndale died for his liberty! Emmeline Pankhurst died for her liberty! The pleb scum of Wat Tyler died roaring about balderdash the rustic filth just couldn’t understand, and they never even stood their ground! Hacked down by the sword! Read the full story

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Republicans Vanish in Puffs of Smoke when called Evil


Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are rejoicing after the Republican population has shrunk by nearly two thirds because its opponents have discovered a technique for making the conservatives literally disappear.

Hugh Bloomfeld, the technique’s originator, recalls his Eureka moment. “My right-wing sister dragged me to a Donald Trump speech,” he said, “and I remember hearing all this xenophobia and crass jingoism. Trump was demagoguing and pandering like a politician’s supposed to, but he was doing much worse than that.”

After the event, Bloomfeld went home and pondered what Trump and his supporters were saying. “Trump was, like, calling himself the best and hating on everyone else: everyone who wasn’t like him. And he wasn’t just hating with words. He was promising to annihilate everyone else, to crush and ruin them. Then it dawned on me. I thought, ‘Isn’t that just plain…evil?’”

Over Christmas dinner, Bloomfeld sat across from his conservative sister who was doomed to be the first victim of this revolutionary new weapon in the American culture war. “She was spouting the most awful bigotry,” Bloomfeld recalled, though tears. “She was blind to America’s many faults, heaping demonizations onto everyone else. It was so childishly narrow-minded, so nakedly callous and coarse and maniacal and egotistical and greedy and boorish and unfair and malicious and troglodytic and repulsive and inveterate and deranged and bellicose and obscene and hateful and cold-blooded and arrogant and narcissistic and immoral—I just broke down and said, ‘Stop it, Sally! You’re being evil.’”

Instantly, Sally Bloomfeld disappeared in a puff of smoke. “I couldn’t believe it at first,” said Hugh. “I thought it was some kind of twisted magic trick. But she was gone—just gone, like Rumpelstiltskin.”

News spread of Bloomfeld’s accidental discovery. While Bloomfeld hadn’t intended to send his hapless sister to some netherworld by calling her by her true name, liberals were quick to apply the technique in earnest. Entire Trump, Cruz, and other Tea Party rallies disappeared in billowing clouds of smoke, having been surrounded by liberals shouting “You’re evil!’ into megaphones.

Claire Feminista attended one such anti-Republican incursion. “Some libertarian crackpot was on the stage,” she reminisced. “Some social Darwinian who was saying the sick and the poor should be left to die because that’s what ‘The Market’ wants. And the Tea Partiers were cheering like they were drunk on rage. We closed in with our megaphones. One by one the offenders disappeared into thin air. You couldn’t see them through the fog. Some of the evil ones tried to flee, but we hunted them down with our megaphones and applied the bald truth to their faces. They vanished too. We left none unidentified.”

Mengyao Zyu, physicist at Caltech, led a team of researchers to study the phenomenon. Describing his experiment, Zyu said, “We wanted to see whether the Republicans are somehow transformed into smoke or the smoke merely signals that they’d been teleported somewhere by the utterance of the magic word.”

Zyu’s team lured Fox-watching Republicans to his laboratory by offering them memorabilia signed by their favourite right-wing demagogue. “They came in droves,” he said. “We called them evil and at first nothing happened. My colleague, Marcus Wannabanger, noticed that the Republicans were fixated on the memorabilia. He asked one of the test subjects, an old blue collar fellow, to look him in the eyes for a moment. ‘Did you know that you’re flat-out evil?’ he asked him. And the old man vanished on the spot. So we determined that if you want them to disappear, you have to look them in the eyes when you call them what they are.

“The smoke itself is mysterious,” he continued. “It issues forth in prodigious quantities. We had to clear the building after a mass truth-telling. We had a hundred subjects in there clamoring for Fiorina T-shirts, Sean Hannity pens, and George W. Bush mugs. We asked them to look at us and then we pointed out that their beliefs make them crazy evil. We were choking in the fog left by their departure from this plane of existence.”

The researchers went on to discover that because the abundant smoke nevertheless possesses less mass than the Republicans, the law of the conservation of mass dictates that the individuals aren’t turned into the smoke. “We don’t know where they go,” Zyu concedes. “What we do know is that many people are just glad they’re no longer here.”

When Republicans first learned of their vulnerability, many refused to believe it. Conservative pundits continued to appear on CNN and Fox News, defying their liberal counterparts to call them evil and maintaining that the rumor of their liability to be whisked away in such a fashion is a socialist conspiracy. Each of the true believers was never seen again. Curiously, Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck were impervious to the truth-telling. Eventually, they admitted they had been acting as performers all along and had been “in it just to sell books,” as O’Reilly put it.

Donald Trump’s departure was an epic event. “My polls are higher than ever before,” he boasted at his last rally. “I apologize for nothing!”

“Yeah, that’s because you’re a straight-up evil clown,” shouted Todd Donahue, a Democrat who had sneaked into the rally. Mr. Trump vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving behind his peculiar hair on the stage. Trump’s buildings themselves also disappeared, leaving gaping holes in the New York cityscape. One architect responded, “Glad they’re gone. They were monstrosities too.”

According to political scientists, the hardcore Republicans were incapable of surviving the intervention precisely because they were what people were finally saying they were. “They can’t apologize or change their ways,” said one. “They’re too macho and their pride’s on the line. They couldn’t see the truth for themselves because they lived in the Fox News bubble. They hated everyone but themselves, they couldn’t empathize, so they couldn’t even pick up a book written by someone with an opposite viewpoint.”

Bewildered by the loss of their conservative heroes, some Republicans went on rampages, shooting up liberal areas of the country before police could bring their new weapon to bear. The officers merely applied the E-word and saved their bullets as well as the city the cost of imprisoning those who were evidently evil.

Other Republicans opted for a more underhanded stratagem, pretending to have converted to the more modern, liberal perspective. Frank Tankman, a lifelong conservative, piled his collection of firearms onto his lawn and dynamited them. “See?” he shouted to liberal onlookers. “I don’t love guns anymore. I love people. Give me a baby to hold! Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. I love everyone equally. I’m one of you liberal do-gooders now.”

A child, Sarah Toddle, was the first to spy the machinegun tucked beneath his shirt. Sarah’s mother reported that her daughter tugged on her dress, pointed to the concealed gun and asked, “Is he still evil, mommy?”

“Only one way to find out,” Mrs. Toddle answered.

Asked why he was still carrying the flashy, over-killing firearm, Mr. Tankman answered, “Just for squirrels and varmints and such.” The crowd challenged him, accusing him of belonging to the same sort of death cult as the jihadist terrorists. “I don’t love death and destruction,” he hollered. “Well, maybe when the End Times come it will be pretty sweet. I mean, it will be just like in the movies: cities on fire, the godless masses on their knees, ravaged by demons.”

When Mr. Tankman began drooling in anticipation, Mrs. Toddle nodded at Sarah and encouraged her to call the man by his true name. “You’re an evil scallywag,” said Sarah to his face, drawing the appellation from her favourite picture book. Frank Tankman dematerialized, the smoke settling like fog in the twilight.

Democrats now easily win their elections in what remains a two-party system, but there are indications that the millions of eligible Americans who don’t vote expect the unrivalled Democrats to succumb to the temptation of forming a tyranny. “When that happens,” says one who is religious in his nonvoting, “we’ll be ready with the truth-telling E-word.”

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Iain Duncan Smith: ‘IDS Saves Disabled from Useless Suffering’ (1/2)


Iain Duncan Smith has recently shed some Blair tears over disabled people in the UK.

However, believe it or not, most disabled people have been so arrogant and ungrateful as to repudiate his compassionate conservatism!

You know, for too long, the dysgenic community in the UK has been neglected by our government.

Let us never forget that in addition to perfectly normal, non-disabled people, there are also some Untermenschen among us, and this is simply too important to ignore.

No, it is absolutely unacceptable that we should merely leave the dysgenic community and its various individual integral synthetic components alone. Read the full story

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‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ No, Says Republican Congressman


Dennis Ladel, a Republican congressman from central Arkansas, says Pope Francis ‘is not Catholic enough to be Pope’.

The freshman congressman objected to a number of positions the Pope took softening the Church opposition on gay civil unions, contraception and divorce.

Mr. Ladels comments, aside from sparking a backlash from Catholics worldwide, may have greater implications by throwing into question millions of decisions that were confirmed by the phrase ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ Read the full story

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Glossy News Soccer, um, FOOTBALL Round-up (1/2)


The new season has already started over here, so time to take a more politically-conscious eye at the footballing world. Read the full story

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Theresa May: ‘Win the Hearts of Moderate Homosexual Community’


Apparently, because Theresa May is from the Conservative Party, she has the dispiriting responsibility of reluctantly assimilating individuals in a rather more blunt and crude way than Labour or Lib Dems.

So she has sworn to “engage with the moderate homosexual community,” in order to ensure that gay people do not cause any more “chaos, subversion and aesthetic terrorism.”

As a Conservative, I have no problem acknowledging that the gay community is a very legitimate one, which actually does have a right to exist, to pay taxes, and not have an illegitimate suspension of habeas corpus inflicted on them. Read the full story

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David Cameron Apologises for “Humanitarian Caliphate” Smear


David Cameron has been forced to make a humiliating climbdown, after incorrectly claiming that the Humanitarian Caliphate is an even better caliphate than the Daesh/IS/ISIS/ISIL/IKEA one.

Calm down dear; listen to what the Grand Physician says… sorry, I mean, “orders you to believe. ”

I only meant it in a flippant manner, not in a po-faced, dusty manner like the Kippers. My point was that we have a lot in common with ISIS, except we are even better. Read the full story

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Tory Candidates: As-Yet-Entirely-Unspeculated Cameron Coup (2/2)


I’m going to list for you all the Tory politicians I admire and respect and who I think fully deserve to be UK PM…

Read the full story

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Fact-Checking Sarah Palin’s Incomprehensible Speech


Sarah Palin was invited to spew a lahar of molten cuckoo at the Iowa Freedom Summit, proudly sponsored by Citizens United. She did not fail to fail to impress.

I took it upon myself to fact-check her statements, and there was such a steady flow of crazy magma that I had to cut it off around six minutes, saving the rest for another day.

Apparently the Wicked Witch of the Arctic’s teleprompter broke a few minutes in, so she did what she does best: wing it and hope people will take her seriously. Read the full story

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Conservatives and Liberals Still Trying to Convert Each Other


WASHINGTON – A new poll of 1,000 American adults reveals that both conservatives and liberals believe it is possible to “convert” other people to change their political orientation.

The recent Gallmausen poll found that more than 63% of Americans believe that they can convince other people to adopt their position through such rhetorical tactics as shouting at them, incessantly repeating themselves, and vicious name-calling. Read the full story

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Megyn Kelly is Still a Massive Twat, But Mitt Romney Has a Huge Wang (Censored Version)


Megyn Kelly, anchor of some white guy’s network, is still being pursued by liberals and stuff, claiming that her blatant and sour opinions that put people to shame were morally wrong and shouldn’t be on a comedy network such as FOX news. Read the full story

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An intellectual discussion on capital punishment, how foreign talk is turning us gay


Some people have brought up the issue of morality considering the death penalty. Some even have the audacity to say that “thou shall not kill” is an integral part of the Bible. To these heretics I respond with a decisive nay.

When God says “thou shall not kill” it is the same as your Dad saying, “Thou shall not teepee Mr. Johnson’s house or “thou shall not play Call of Duty when there is Call of Homework”.

Dad merely suggests not doing those things. He’ll still love you no matter what you do. Read the full story

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Arizona State Legisislature Votes To Change State Motto, Slogan


Giddy with the joy of Christ at successfully legalizing state sponsored endorsement of dark age phobias and insanities the Arizona State Legislature voted to to change the State slogan and motto along with other state designations and affiliations. Read the full story

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GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration


On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man’s job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn’t disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut Read the full story

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