Theresa May Resigns, Becomes Guardian Editor

Conservative Party leader Theresa May is tired of endless harassment from voters and grubby hard-right red-top hacks (like George Osborne of the Evening Standard). So, she has decided her career in politics is no longer a worthwhile pursuit.

Notable left-wing establishment broadsheet The Guardian is known for its uniquely conservative form of liberal and social democratic politics.

Its pro vegan, anti-global warming stances place it slightly to the left of conventional hard-right tabloids like the Sun and the Daily Express; however, its resolute scaremongering over manspreading, cultural appropriation, Islamophobia and neoliberalism makes it practically indistinguishable from its equally sensationalist and radically conformist right-wing counterparts.

May comments:

There’s an old saying.

If you want a Marxist for your neighbour, vote Labour!

Well, now we can say:

If you want a Tory for your tabloid, take Theresa!

I’m looking forward to sticking it to the plebs over their idiotic distrust and suspicion of sin taxes, government surveillance, and rampant nation-building.

A small contingent of hardcore Guardianistas (who have the temerity to think the names ‘liberal’ and ‘socialist’ actually have to mean something) have already jumped ship to Counterpunch, the Intercept, the Canary, and other edgy left-wing indymedia outlets.

The rest are relieved to find that their new boss will offer no challenge whatsoever to their favorite hobbyhorses of regime change, responsibility to protect, setting Syrian infants on fire, downright batshit-conspiratorial Serb-bashing, rampant Cold War tinfoil-hattery, and shameless apologism for the DNC and Blue Labour faux-lefty establishments.

In the meantime, others are hoping for a genuinely left-wing paper to serve as a worthy rival to challenge the raving wingnut conservative press of Richard Littlejohn, Katie Hopkins, Rupert Murdoch, and Paul Dacre.

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