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2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)

2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)

We continue this week with Part II of Glossy News’ Year in Review for 2014. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much, but it’s here for the curious.

A couple of wars, a few natural disasters and a political scandal or two – pretty much a replay of 2010 through 2013. Check it out here. Let’s continue now with Part II. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay? Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Society0 Comments

Islamic Terrorists Shot In Paris Arrive In Jihadist Heaven

Islamic Terrorists Shot In Paris Arrive In Jihadist Heaven

The three Islamic assassins who killed French citizens at Charlie Hebdo and a Jewish delicatessen arrive at the destination they had given their lives for, the Jihadist heaven promised them.

An angel greets them as they arrive.

“Welcome gentlemen. I hope your journey was peaceful.”

“Hardly!” stated Said Kouachi sarcastically. “We got our shit shot to pieces.” Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone0 Comments

Japanese Encouraged to Get Laid More

Japanese Encouraged to Get Laid More

Faced with a declining birth rate and an ever growing elderly population, Japanese citizens are being encouraged to have more sex.

“Japanese men and women seemed to have lost interest in sex!” said prominent Japanese legislative leader Seiko Noda. “We need to stimulate the people’s interest in sex before the whole country disappears!”

Noda proposes a government sponsored “get laid now” campaign to stimulate the libido of Japanese citizens. Under the proposal, citizens will be provided with erotic literature, sexy lingerie, lubricating lotions, edible panties, fishnet stocking and bondage equipment such as whips and chains.

“We will not provide condoms or French Ticklers because that would defeat the whole purpose!” Noda explained.

In a recent survey 38% of Japanese men and 39% of Japanese women between the ages of 18 and 34 admit they have never had sex at all.

“I’ve had a couple of blow jobs”, said 28 year old Shinjo Ichikawa. “But I have never put my dick in a vagina”.

Experts claim that Japanese women simply aren’t interested in the tiny penises Japanese men have in relation to white or black men.

“I just like to play with myself”, said 24 year old Akiko Shonokane. “I have a career. I don’t have time for little Japanese penises. And it’s so hard to find a gaijin (foreigner)”.

“We may have to open our doors to foreigners in order to interest more women in sex’, said Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.

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Posted in World News0 Comments

GlossyNews Publishes Hilarious Caricature of Muhammad

GlossyNews Publishes Hilarious Caricature of Muhammad

Uh….nevermind!! But stay tuned for more Kim Jong-Un parodies!

You can contribute to our North Korea video satire series here or learn more about it here.

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Posted in Making Headlines, Top Stories11 Comments

N.Y. Police Turning Backs On de Blasio Illustrate Exactly Where The City’s Problems Lie

N.Y. Police Turning Backs On de Blasio Illustrate Exactly Where The City’s Problems Lie

The New York Police twice turning their backs on Mayor de Blasio during his speeches at the funerals of two slain officers gives a strong indication of exactly where their whole racial problem started.

The police showing disrespect for the Mayor and a total lack of ability to see his point of view is the heart of the problem that has plagued the NYPD for decades. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Serious Commentary4 Comments

America Responds To Kim Jong Un; “Thank You For Saving Us From Watching This Stupid Stoner Movie”

America Responds To Kim Jong Un; “Thank You For Saving Us From Watching This Stupid Stoner Movie”

Americans were especially thankful to North Korea and Kim Jong Un this Holiday season for saving them from watching yet another stupid pot-head movie.

“It saved me ten bucks in ticket prices and another eight in popcorn and soda,” stated John Gawker from Greeley Colorado. “Watching movies like this is like riding a sled downhill and purposely plowing into trees! It gives you the same sort of headache.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Talky Pictures3 Comments

Sony Counter-Hacks North Korea: All 23 Computers Go Dark

Sony Counter-Hacks North Korea: All 23 Computers Go Dark

On December 21st the entire Internet in North Korea was shut down by a major cyber attack. (Note- a major cyber attack in the Communist state would be the equivalent of accidentally pulling out your plug on an old Commodore computer in any other country, say Peru). Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Talky Pictures3 Comments

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb <del>Confirms</del> Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (2)

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb Confirms Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (2)

Here’s the rest of The End of History.

I’m so excited to proclaim this, I nearly expected the ceiling of my office to cave in.

…Not the glass ceiling, of course.

For, just like the 100%-Anti-State-Patronage-And-Condescension-Dems, Republicans don’t have a problem with women.

AS SUCH. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Free Speech Freaks Given New Hope in Ribbing North Korea

Free Speech Freaks Given New Hope in Ribbing North Korea

Prominent, but still sub-viral site GlossyNews.com has launched a Go Fund Me campaign to create a free-to-dowload video criticizing the regime.

The goal is to create a wicked, biting satirical film criticizing the totalitarian dynastic regime in North Korea.

The film would feature paid actors, paid crew and a tight production schedule. Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, World News1 Comment

North Korea Bankrupt After Costs from Sony Hack

North Korea Bankrupt After Costs from Sony Hack

North Korea has gone bankrupt from its massive hacking assault on Sony Pictures.

The intrusion into the depths of Sony’s Corporation was ignited by their new film ‘The Interview’ which features two bumbling tabloid newsmen who are given the mission of assassinating North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un.

This indiscretion infuriated the real Jong Un who immediately funneled the entire countries anemic economy into the hacking barrage that exposed many of Sony’s secret files including high level employee wages (which shocked Jong Un in that one executive’s salary alone equals the entire gross national product of North Korea for a year), insulting emails about famous stars (which also encindered the Prez as some were about his secret fantasy love Jennifer Aniston), and photos of Seth Rogen in his underwear (which the Exalted One kept for his private collection). Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, War Zone0 Comments

Kim Jong-un: Bring Back Breadsticks Or Die!

Kim Jong-un: Bring Back Breadsticks Or Die!

Washington, D.C. – Just when you thought the United States was safe again following the announcement that Sony Pictures had pulled the controversial movie, The Interview, from theatres, a new threat arrived from North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, early Friday morning.

In a short memo to President Obama, Kim Jong-un stated he was pleased the movie will not play in theatres, but was morbidly infuriated to learn that his favorite restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, is extinct and is no longer serving the fresh-baked breadsticks he enjoyed during his last visit. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News3 Comments

Is Cuba the Next Ping Pong Frontier?

Is Cuba the Next Ping Pong Frontier?

As America’s relations with Cuba are bettered in the near future, many professional sports leagues are excited to pounce on the athletic talent in the small country.

Major League Baseball teams are searching for the new Yasiel Puig or Aroldis Chapman to ignite their teams’ fortunes.

Along with baseball, Cuba is known to possess a plethora of skills in the game of ping pong. United States Table Tennis Federation (USTTF) spokesman Louis Rice is optimistic that there is a lot of “untapped potential” on the island.

The sport is adored by the country’s people, with tables popping up all over the country in recent years.

“They [Cubans] really have the best athletic build and mindset for the rigors of table tennis. I know of many proficient players that are already playing in their semi-pro leagues. We will also set up some camps to train the youth and then get them into our farm systems Rice.”

During the embargo on Cuba, many of the country’s best players had to escape the country illegally to another Latin American country before finally making it to America.

The new lack of risk is sure to encourage the Cubans to immigrate to the U.S. and it’s high-paying league.

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Posted in Sports, World News0 Comments

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb <del>Confirms</del> Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb Confirms Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)

“If at first you don’t succeed, try again.”

Radical-Left-Wing-Ideologues™ Zizek/Beckett agree:

“Try again, fail again, fail better.”

Yes, FoxCon(n) FoxNews, I mean ACTUAL far-left-ideologues…

As distinguished from, say, Newt Gingrich/Ed Miliband/Pope Francis.

Still, Lefties-Gonna-Left, but Our Jeb… Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone3 Comments

4 out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit Liking Dick

4 out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit Liking Dick

Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources.

Hard numbers from a recent survey revealed that most Republicans still support Dick Cheney as Vice-President, while Barack Obama’s poll numbers have apparently gone flaccid.

In fact, Cheney’s approval numbers continue to remain rock solid despite a spat of spectacular sex scandals that rocked the GOP a decade ago. Nostalgia surrounds Republican Senator Larry Craig’s 2007 arrest in a men’s airport bathroom.

While potentially incriminating on the surface, the Idaho Senator offered a turgid alibi for his behavior, which apparently wasn’t fear of flying.

For those who have slept since then, Craig denied that tapping his right foot, blocking the stall door with his luggage and grabbing the undercover officer’s leg was a signal to engage in lewd behavior.

Craig suggested that he was merely asking for “toilet paper”.

Later providing the arresting officer with a business card that identified him as a senator, Craig does admit that telling the officer, “Excuse me while I whip this out,” may have been a little too suggestive in a men’s room setting. But he refused to apologize for expressing his fondness for Dick.

“Dick made me what I am today,” he allegedly said just before being arrested.

Senator Craig’s encounter was only one in a daisy-chain of events placing prominent Republicans in the dim spot-light of public toilets.

Also in 2007 Florida Republican Bob Allen, a champion of anti-gay legislation and notorious Dick lover, was accused of offering sex to a black, undercover officer in a park restroom because he didn’t “trust him”.

To his credit, at least he didn’t try and shoot him. As if that excuse and $20 isn’t bizarre enough, Allen also sponsored a bill to crack down on soliciting sex in public parks.

If you read between the lines, it’s apparent that Allen is an advocate of just giving it away, rendering the need to solicit a moot point. As for the $20, that apparently was for “stimulating the local economy”.

OK, most people use “Johnson” instead of “local economy” as a euphemism but we can’t really criticize him for that.

When you add other prominent Republicans like Representative Mark Foley and evangelical Ted Haggard to the strange brew of fallen, staunchly anti-gay politicians, you discover the one thing they all have in common: they all like Dick.

Sure, Cheney probably appreciates the support and a variation on the old “I Like Ike” buttons might garner special interest attention. But without the comic genius of Karl Rove, it’s going to be tough to parlay the virtual transformation of the GOP into the “Gay Old Party”.

Only Rove could exploit the biggest piece of political parody since Dave Chappelle portrayed a blind Klan leader who didn’t know he was black.

Of course, some Democrats have demonstrated willingness to reach around…I mean across the aisle and meet the GOP halfway on many issues, especially when it comes to Dick. Dick Cheney has the heart of a Hoover Vacuum cleaner and brings people from many diverse backgrounds together to pound out the tough issues.

For instance, in 2010 Democrat New York Congressman Eric Massa abruptly resigned after only 14 months on the job amid allegations that he sexually harassed an underpaid staff member at a house Massa shared with four other staffers. Using the excuse it was simply a “tickle fight” the embattled Democrat found it unpopular at the time to admit his love of Dick.

Placed in this context, it is absolutely amazing the GOP has survived intact and re-taken both Houses while maintaining the illusion of moral authority. As long as Ted Cruz doesn’t get a Boehner around Rand Paul, it’s likely they’ll continue to hold the high ground on the down low.

“There are only two ways to fix this satirical situation,” snickered, Bill Clinton’s former political strategist James Carville. “Hand jobs to your critics and keep the jerks off the news.”

Clinton himself could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly, “Reorganizing his collection of chubby-chaser jokes from the mid 90’s.” Meanwhile even Hillary reluctantly admitted, “I like Dick ever now and then!”

Most would have sworn she was partial to Bush.

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories3 Comments

Philae Lander Voted “Bouncy House Of The Year”

Philae Lander Voted “Bouncy House Of The Year”

Physics Today, the flagship journal of the American Institute of Physics, has announced the ESA Philae lander is the first winner in a new category in their annual awards for breakthroughs in physics, “Bouncy House Of The Year”.

“This year saw many breakthroughs, but the one that stood out from all the rest was the ESA’s repeated and successful bouncing of their 2 billion dollar lander on the comet 67P, lodging it on it’s side under a cliff, and rendering the lander useless and impotent to science” said AIP President Justin Fundworthy.

“By bouncing the lander several times yet remaining on the surface, the Rosetta and Philae team have proven when future human comet colonist rent a bouncy house for their childrens birthday parties, the bouncy house will not fly off into space” said Harry Johnson, editor of PhysicsWorld.com.

“It’s been an exciting year for physics, we commend the work of the nine runners-up but it’s hard to beat a good bouncy house GIF” said Dr. Johnson.

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Science, Science & Technologizzy, Technology, Top Stories1 Comment

Labour Leak #68/9: Controversial Miliband Replacement Short List (2)

Labour Leak #68/9: Controversial Miliband Replacement Short List (2)

Who’s Gonna Fill The Blank?

Nick Griffin: UK. Former British National Party, Goosestepping Eagle-Polisher.

Pros:

1. Impeccable far left credentials:

Economic centralism. Top-down, statist, collectivist, elitist/populist, authoritarian, general chauvinist. Perfect fit for the Trot SWP/Spartacists, let alone Labour.
Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics4 Comments

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