Excremental Attacks on President Remain a Mystery

The first incident was not actually October 22 on the South Lawn of the White House, as has been widely reported. Thanks to a sharp-eyed AP photographer, we now know that a similar incident occurred eleven days earlier and some 5,000 miles away in the shithole Republic of Nambia. President Trump, accompanied by token black persons Diamond and Silk, was there to congratulate Nambia’s strongman dictator, Chuckwu Hassan, on his announcement that he will investigate Hunter Biden and longtime Never Trumper Mister Rogers. And as the newly released photograph clearly shows, there it was, an artistically swirled dollop of white on Mr. Trump’s right shoulder.

Bird shit.

Then the October 22 incident, captured on film, and six more incidents since then, despite protective measures taken by the Secret Service.

Early conjecture from the administration was that these airborne defecations were the result of small shit-dispensing drones deployed by Iran, leading to calls for a nuclear response from former National Security Advisor John Bolton and echoed by Mr. Trump. One longtime Trump confident, requesting anonymity, warned:

Look, this Iran stuff is more than saber-rattling. Donald has wet dreams about nuking someone, thinks it will put an end to the whole ‘small hands’ thing. I’d take his threats seriously.

Iran has strenuously denied knowledge of or involvement in the shitstorm of foul fowl poop, and their denials have been given credence by the Pentagon and NASA. The Department of Defense issued an official statement saying:

Iran is at least a decade away from developing a strategic weapon of this precision.

At a DOD press briefing, the department spokesman pointed out that in two of the incidents, the bird discharge passed through the whirling rotors of Marine One as the President ascended the helicopter’s stairs.

Ever tried throwing an egg through a fan?

When reporters repeatedly asked how these incidents could be explained, the department spokesman replied:

Beats the shit out of me.

QAnon, 4chan, and Fox News have promoted the theory that these shitbirds are winged terrorists, red-rumped swallows, trained for their missions in the basement of a pizza parlor in Washington, D.C. secretly owned by Hillary Clinton.

Meanwhile, Twitter’s trending hashtag has been #HolyShit, as Mr. Trump’s evangelical base interprets the bird crap as a heavenly sign of the eagerly anticipated Rapture.

To date, the only official response from the Administration was from White House counselor Kellyanne Conway, who said,:

Shit happens.

However, the President has teased executive action, saying at his most recent Buy Greenland Rally:

I alone can put an end to this shit show. No one knows more about shit than Donald Trump.

Author: Jeffrey Hanlon

I live on the shores of the Caribbean where I spend my days in shorts and sandals making up silly stories