Category: Top Stories
Med Breakthrough: Airport Body Scans Have Effect “Similar to Viagra”
Washington, DC (BNSE): Department of Homeland Security and Transportation Safety Administration officials gathered today to announce what they call “a stunning medical breakthrough.” The agencies, tasked with the safety of the United States mainland and passenger air travel, claimed that…
Limbaugh Rushed to Hospital Drugs Not Mentioned
Honolulu, HI (GlossyNews) — Acerbic Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a Honolulu hospital this morning for what doctors say is an overload of ‘bile’. Limbaugh’s press spokesman Carson Cobain said he had little information. “Rush usually…
Debating Progressives
Question: With the CRU files leak, do you still believe the climate science is not settled? Response: You (expletive deleted) son of a (expletive deleted). Did you learn that from Glenn Beck? That (expletive deleted). Anybody who can’t see the…
Conservatives Shift From ‘Compassionate’ to ‘Cold-blooded’ Conservatism
The Republicans, still smarting from their losses in the 2008 elections, have taken a new stance. Gone are the Bush I and II philosophies of ‘Compassionate Conservatism’. The new motto is ‘Cold-Blooded Conservatism’. This new attitude will focus on further…
Newscasters Appeal to FBI to Create Easy Nicknames for Terrorists
The latest attempt at terrorism by Nigerian nationalist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallabhas, is the straw that broke the camel’s back in America’s newscasting business. In a rare show of agreement between the top media outlets, news commentators from every major prime…
Successful Corporate Excuses For Being Late To Work
My Excuses For Being Late To Work Welcome to my world. This is my first of hopefully many columns about life in the workplace. My column is dedicated to everyday workers. Thank you Mr. CEO, but I can’t event count…
The Corporate Dress Code
Every summer one or all of my many superiors reminds me of the corporate dress code here at the hospital in New Jersey. Now I am not sure who comes up with this stuff or why, but it does make…
Republican “Prayercast” Convinces Santa to Skip Obama House This Year
Malia and Sasha Obama woke up to a pretty lame Christmas morning when they discovered that Santa had not visited their house this year. Said Michelle Obama, “had Barack and I not prepared for this contingency, the girls would have…
2009 Glossy News Erratta … err Errata & Errors a Plenty
The Glossy News, in an effort to bring you the finest, most accurate and comprehensive news available, has compiled this errata information after a review of articles published in 2009. Although we do technically wish to apologize for any errors…
Timedate 2011: Recession Ends, But The Workers Died Long Ago
Economists the world over have stated the news that everyone has been waiting for- that the long, draining recession has finally come to an end and that businesses will start hiring again. Unfortunately, the good news came to a screeching…