My Excuses For Being Late To Work
Welcome to my world. This is my first of hopefully many columns about life in the workplace. My column is dedicated to everyday workers. Thank you Mr. CEO, but I can’t event count how much you’re making.
So today I start with assistance for workers with the issue of being late. This issue is the oldest of conflicts in business and has been a problem since the first days of capitalism. Since I work at a large hospital in New Jersey, I thought I would share with you some of the best excuses I have used when I was late for work. And no, I’m not a doctor, thank you, otherwise I would not be reporting to 3 managers. So here they are:
Sorry I was late – Hospital 1 – First I got a speeding ticket from the hospital rent-a-cop for going 20 mph in the parking lot. After Barney Fife was done with me, I rushed into the hospital and bounded towards the closing elevator. As I did that I dropped my keys on the floor and they bounced once and then fell down the crack between the floor and the elevator. As I lay down on the floor trying to eyeball where my keys went, a fat blind bitch nearly stepped on my ass and crushed my balls. Minus my keys and a little smaller, I then reported to work.
Sorry I was late – Hospital 2 – Sorry I was late but I helped two old guys find their friend on the 4th floor. Right when I came in I spied these two old guys asking Andy, the old volunteer guy at the information desk, what room their friend was in. Andy’s response the first time was 4280. Andy’s response the 2nd time again was 4280 but so slow I was losing it. The two old guys were not all there, if you know what I mean, and finally Andy starts to hand signal 4-2-8-0 and they figured out what he was talking about. Andy, seeing me, asked if I could show them the way.
Sorry I was late – Hospital 3 – Since I am a little late anyway, I circle around the garage looking for a space on a low floor. Instead of turning right against the grain where the sign says exit like I always do, I turn the correct way and stop while a lady shorter than her seat, is backing up at about 2 inches at a time. So sitting there wondering how a person that short even has a driver license, I feel the sudden impact of a car hitting my rear end. Now I have an old lady on a cell phone (taller at least) trying to figure out what the fuck happened. Turns out she was so excited about her daughter having a baby that she forgot to stop.
Sorry I was late – Hospital 4 – First, to begin with, it was raining like a mofo on the route I take. Now I know it’s sunny over here but we got poured on and the traffic backed up. So after I park the car I hustle into the service door and cruise around the corner by the HR Dept. when this Filipino lady about 4 ft 2, flies around the corner coming towards me. Guess who ended up on the floor about 10 feet away and it was not me. Turns out this woman was a nurse being paged. Noticing that her nose is bleeding I assisted her to the ER and apologized for running into her.
Sorry I was late – Hospital 5 – After driving to work for 2 fucking hours I felt so stiff when I got out of the car, I ended up in the morgue. Like I said, I apologize for being late but maybe if you paid me more I could afford to live a little closer to work.
Sorry I am late – Hospital 6 – The line at the Starbucks in the lobby was slow as shit. I am running late and some woman in front of the line decides to pay for her latte with all the loose change in her purse. 5, 10, 20, 40, 50 cents etc. That’s what jars are for. When was the last time you saw a guy doing that?