The Glossy News, in an effort to bring you the finest, most accurate and comprehensive news available, has compiled this errata information after a review of articles published in 2009. Although we do technically wish to apologize for any errors that may have crept into our news stories from time to time throughout the year, we do so with an air of lackadaisical indifference.
We at Glossy News do that feel setting the record straight, even for these minor corrections, is an important part of our ongoing efforts to provide the best, most accurate, news service possible to our readers on this, the greatest, best world that God has ever given to man kind, if we may paraphrase Sean Hannity.
1. In our January 13, 2009 article “The Bushes of Crawford”, we mistakenly reported that the administration of President George W Bush ordered the assassination of Czar Nicholas II of Russia and his family. In fact, the Romanovs were actually assassinated by order of the Nixon Administration during Watergate.
2. In our April 3, 2009 article “Obama Pulls a Cabinet Out of His Ass”, we erroneously reported that President Obama had ordered Utah Governor Jon Huntsman imprisoned on an island off the coast of Guam until after the 2012 elections. Governor Huntsman was in fact appointed, voluntarily, to be the US Ambassador to China. We were unable to reach Governor Huntsman for comment. He is reportedly hiking the Appalachians for the holidays.
3. In our March 29, 2009 article “Call Me Dick, the Life and Times of Richard Cheney”, we incorrectly stated that Mr Cheney was ‘a serial liar, racist, alcoholic, cocaine fiend that often abused small animals’. In fact, we could never confirm that Cheney has harmed any animals.
4. After reading our June 14, 2009 article “Jon Stewart, Cable God”, a reader wrote in saying, “your characterization of Stewart as a cable God whose program was the best, funniest and sexiest show on TV, as well as your attributing certain physical characteristics to Stewart’s sex organ, sounded more like a pathetic attempt to pander to Stewart to get him to mention your website on his show.” That is in fact, not accurate. Stewart has never mentioned the Glossy News on his show nor has he supported the Glossy News financially. What we meant to say in that article was, ‘Stewart is an obscure host of one of the many borderline, sophomoric attempts at presenting satire on barely watchable cable TV.’
5. In our July 3, 2009 article on the anniversary of the US Civil War battle of Gettysburg, we incorrectly reported that the Civil War started when the South seceeded in response to the election of Lincoln. In fact the Civil War was started by the Nixon Administration.
6. In our July 4, 2009 article “The Meaning of Freedom”, the 13 colonies were actually revolting against the abuses of King George III, not the Nixon Administration as we reported.
7. In our article “Erratta”, published on July 5, 2009, we stated that in our July 4, 2009 article “The Meaning of Freedom”, the 13 colonies were actually revolting against the abuses of the “Mad” king, George W Bush. In fact, the colonies were revolting in response to the abuses of the Nixon Administration.
8. Our July 23, 2009 article “Where’s Barack”, included a typographic error. The line which read “Obama hasn’t done shit for America and all of his campaign lies have faded like so much piss in a river”, should have read “Obama faces many challenges to keep his agenda in the foreground”.
9. In our July 24, 2009 article entitled “150 Years of Mormons in Utah”, we stated that the Mormons believe that Indians and Blacks are cursed with the mark of Cain. In fact, church officials clarified that they ‘haven’t believed that for a couple of years now’.
10. In our August 1, 2009 article “What Lies to the Right?” we referred to Ann ‘the Mann’ Coulter as an ‘illiterate, racist, bitch’. In fact GlossyNews has no evidence that Coulter is a racist.
11. In our August 4, 2009 article “The Longing for Bush”, we pointed out that John Ashcroft lost his election bid for the Senate to a dead man. In fact he got his ass handed to him, by a dead man.
12. A number of minor errors cropped into our September 21, 2009 article “The Butcher of Yorba Linda”, in which we blamed all of the bad things that ever happened in the history of mankind on the Nixon Administration. To set the record straight, it was actually Torquemada, not Nixon, who presided over the Spanish Inquisition. Also, many of the really bad things we attributed to Nixon were actually committed by Hitler and the two Presidents Bush.
13. As far as we know, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and George H W Bush were never involved in a ‘love triangle’.
14. As far as we know, Tony Blair, former Prime Minister of England, was never witnessed ‘frolicking’ naked in the Oval Office.
15. As far as we know, George W Bush was never seen riding his horse bareback, while naked, in the moonlight, outside of Odessa, Texas on any day in early June 2002.
16. We do not, in truth, have home video of Angelina Jolie breast feeding a chupacabara.
17. Finally, in our December 15, 2009 article “She’s Got A Tiger in Her Tank”, we erroneously reported that one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses was the black adult entertainment star Vanessa Vicksen. In fact there are no confirmed reports of Woods ever having sex with a black woman.
We would like to thank our in-house historical advisor Professor George McGovern for his assistance in pointing out and correcting a number of our errors.