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October Surprise from Autism Speaks: They No Longer Want a Cure? (1/2)

October Surprise from Autism Speaks: They No Longer Want a Cure? (1/2)

WALLACE’S NOTE: Although the following story is about the ‘October Surprise’ from Autism Speaks, the decision in question may have some long term implications.

Autism speaks has published a new mission statement:

Autism Speaks is dedicated to promoting solutions, across the spectrum and throughout the lifespan, for the needs of individuals with autism and their families through advocacy and support; increasing understanding and acceptance of autism spectrum disorder; and advancing research into causes and better interventions for autism spectrum disorder and related conditions.

Saliently absent is the word “cure” from their mission statement which they had in the past: Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Morsi’s Democracy (Song Parody, NSFW)

Morsi’s Democracy (Song Parody, NSFW)

This parody of ‘Chinese Democracy’ by Guns ‘n’ Roses is dedicated to everyone who has ever stood up to political Islamists. 

If the theocrats really do believe hellfire exists, then every moment of their life should be one of the utmost terror and foreboding.

Hellfire awaits the Jihadi

Gonna find out for yourself

Endless torment, Jihadi

You’re gonna leave this world,

Cast down forever below the earth

 

Rotten pigfucking missionary

Crack-smoking Dawahmongering visionary

Hatin’ on them pesky gays ‘n’ Jews

Hellfire is for those who lose

I know that you’re a worthless prick

An enchanting story-peddling dick

Blame it on the Coptic guys

You will meet your end and greet the flames of hell now

 

Yeah subhuman vermin shit like you

Gonna win your virgins by raping?

But even with a little dried-up dick

All you got left is masturbation

I’m gonna gas the rats, is it really really such a crime?

 

Your bullshit don’t really matter

You’ll discover hellfire for yourself

No you don’t really matter

So you can hear your judgment from

Somebody else

 

Cause it would take longer than eternity

To consummate your vile damnation

Even with your tearful eyes

Satan smirks at your masturbation but all you got is

Damnation for all time

 

Your bullshit don’t really matter

You’ll discover hellfire for yourself

No you don’t really matter

So you can hear your judgment from

Somebody else

 

Keep your broke-ass lil fuck puppet locked up inside

Beat her, choke her, rape her, hear your children cry

She’ll come and haunt you in your prison cell

And she’ll choke you! Blazing barbed wire in hell

Nothing can ever make you stop

Hell’s torments, he screams, your eyes will pop

No more hypocrite’s repentance

Cos you’re forever out of time!

 

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Posted in Music, World News0 Comments

Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?

Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?

In early November 2016, Scotland’s first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, expressed more clearly than many other world leaders the hope that Donald Trump, when in office, would be very different from the Donald Trump she had witnessed on the presidential campaign trail.

Comments attributed to Mr Trump while campaigning have led many to accuse him of being racist, sexist, and discriminatory towards people with disabilities – to name just three character traits that have met with liberal-minded disapproval.

If Ms Sturgeon and others are to have their wish fulfilled, however, Mr Trump, after entering the White House on 20th January 2017, will need to consistently demonstrate liberal, tolerant, non-discriminatory opinions and behaviour.

Suppose this did indeed occur. Imagine that the first act of the new president was to personally champion the cause of disabled, Mexican, Muslim women. Many would wonder what could possibly have led to such an apparent transformation.

In such circumstances, the following might be rationales to consider – doubtless all would be proposed:

1 – The CIA – or the shape-shifting, lizard-like aliens who control the world – had replaced Donald Trump with a liberal look-alike.

2 – A divine messenger had shown up in the Oval Office, pointed out that Mr Trump was in his latter years and explained that God remained undecided about whether the president’s final elevator journey should be up or down.

3 – Donald Trump had been part of an elaborate hoax for a US reality TV show. The writers had constructed a character from a composite of least desirable presidential characteristics. Then, somehow, it had all got out of hand.

4 – Donald Trump had been a really nice guy after all and had wished to be president to do good in the world. He had lied to get elected as he had correctly calculated that only a racist, sexist bigot could hope to win the hearts and minds of more than half the US population. Also, the Ku Klux Clan vote could have been a clincher.
This scenario has an interesting corollary in that Mr Trump’s alleged threats to go after his opponents after the election could transform into him targeting his own supporters. He might passionately castigate those who elected him, saying how disgusted he was by their behaviour and telling them that their appalling attitudes had no place in the modern world.

5 – Donald Trump had always been the ideal president. He had been targeted with a misinformation campaign by a biased media – a media that had been supporting a political elite who had become out of touch with, and had ceased to care about, ordinary US citizens.

6 – Donald Trump had really been as bigoted as the liberals had feared. He had discovered, however, that, as president, the pragmatics of balancing complex political factors, both at home and overseas, constrained his words and actions. He had been forced to concede that a president is not nearly as powerful as one might think.

When will the real Donald Trump reveal himself?

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Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)

Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)

(NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: HERE’S A QUICK AND DIRTY ONE FROM BRIAN. NOW, I WONDER WHO THAT REMINDS YOU OF?)

Fallow bucket of human compost and erstwhile DC King Maker Newton Leroy Gingrich has put up his name as a possible applicant for a one-way mission to Mars…

That is, assuming he can’t secure a cabinet position in Trump’s administration.

Successor to Tom Foley and human embodiment of Mr. Potato Head Newt Gingrich has already pointed out his months of suckling up to the dry teat of the Trump campaign (despite only twice getting his parking validated), and is already seeking a new level of validation. He wants to be the first post-menopausal man on Mars, if he can’t get a place in Trump’s cabinet. Continue Reading

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OUTRAGE! ISIS/ISIL/IS/Daesh Tabloid Rag INCENSED by ‘Insulting’ Offer from ‘Greasy’ Tony Blair Faith Foundation ‘Charity’

OUTRAGE! ISIS/ISIL/IS/Daesh Tabloid Rag INCENSED by ‘Insulting’ Offer from ‘Greasy’ Tony Blair Faith Foundation ‘Charity’

• Blair’s chaplain confirms that former PM is ‘deeply wounded, not literally of course’ by the Islamist SNUB
• Dafiq editorial staff refuse to comment

Edgy ISIS/Daesh hipster black-top Dafiq has been hitting the headlines (and not just their own, either) lately for all the wrong reasons.

After recent wars of bylines and tweets with Gary Johnson’s campaign staff (no, us neither) and Chavezista hagiographical bioblographer Federico ‘Humala’ Acosta, they made their biggest PR misstep to date by choosing to publish an EXCLUSIVE editorial excoriating the popular former British PM and notable Kosovan expat Tonibler Jeorjbushi. Continue Reading

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Trump’s Very First Speech as POTUS! Exclusive to Glossy News

Trump’s Very First Speech as POTUS! Exclusive to Glossy News

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Would you just LOOOOOOOOOK at… Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

The Russians Are Coming! Election Day Guide to Right-Wing & Left-Wing Conspiracy Theories

download1019665

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Frantic, Last Ditch Effort To Throw The Election- HACKED TRUMP EMAILS EXPOSED!!!!!!!

Frantic, Last Ditch Effort To Throw The Election- HACKED TRUMP EMAILS EXPOSED!!!!!!!

On the eve of the 2016 U.S. Presidential elections the notorious expose website Wakileaks has released thousands of hacked emails from Donald Trump’s private server. The exact source of the email leak has not been officially ascertained, but it is suspected that they originated from the tiny hermit kingdom of Bhutan which is known to have only one computer powered by 10 D batteries taped together. It is believed that the hermit Buddhist nation wants to throw the election over to the Hillary side.

Foremost amongst the emails are nude photo attachments of Melania Trump which the world news media, mostly men, have spent most of their time investigating. Of lesser interest to them are the coup plots against other sovereign nations, casino money laundering, shady business deals with the Russians and plans for building Alaskan gulags for registered Democrats.

Outstanding amongst the exposed emails are: Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics3 Comments

What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

With the Election mercifully only hours away, the three major candidates (and one cameo candidate) are done putting the final touches on their respective Frankenstein campaigns. Using an unholy combination of satanic ritual coupled with classified NSA technology that hasn’t been leaked just yet, GlossyNews is pleased to reveal what each candidate is doing right this moment.

Gary Johnson–Libertarian:

1) Imagining there is a zero behind his poll numbers.

2) Revisiting his debate points and pretending he actually rated debating.

3) Regretting deleting all his porn.

4) Listening to Kaleo–“Way Down We Go” while he slowly rocks back and forth.

5) Applying for Canadian citizenship.

Hillary Clinton–Democrat:

1) Pondering how to gracefully never invite Beyonce and Jay Z to the White House. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Politics, Top Stories2 Comments

Hey Hey Donald Hey! (With Apologies to Bill Frederick’s: Hey Hey LBJ!)

Hey Hey Donald Hey! (With Apologies to Bill Frederick’s: Hey Hey LBJ!)

Hey Hey Donald Hey,
How many casinos did you lose today?
Gonna file for bankruptcy and lose your dollars now, oh, boy!
Donald Trump has eager hands to grab another bargain,
She runs off and tells the mob that Donald Trump is lying!
Hey Hey Donald Hey,
How many women did you lose today?
Gonna be a felon now and go to prison now, oh, boy!

Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Music, Top Stories0 Comments

Honest Adolph Launch Day! Thanks for Your Support!

Honest Adolph Launch Day! Thanks for Your Support!

On this historically significant day, November 5…

The day of gunpowder, treason and plot…

The day of establishment intrigue and anti-establishment counter-intrigue…

I am pleased to announce that Vol I of my near-future speculative fiction novel, Honest Adolph, is finally on the shelves! The ebook is available at the links below.

For those unaware of this bittersweet satirical novel of mine, here is the blurb:

In the near future, the Presidential election stirs the hearts of many.
The warmongering Republican and Democratic establishment are expecting to sweep the board, and fortify the current neoconservative/liberal interventionist consensus.
Dissident Republican Senator Saul Friedman is one of the very last of a dying breed of libertarian Republicans.
Expelled from the party, Friedman implores his old friend Adolph Adams to run for the presidency. The plainspeaking and sober Adams is deemed a pitiful joke by the establishment, but he does have some success in garnering votes. However, it is simply impermissible that a non-interventionist could ever gain the Democratic ticket. Adams is no more welcome in the Democrats than Friedman was in the Republican Party.
Is there any hope at all that Adams can roll back the tide of interventionist barbarism?
Either way, he faces some truly formidable and cunning foes, who will not relinquish their privilege lightly. Caught between a rabble-rousing firebreather Republican Frontrunner, a hideously callous Democratic leader and various cynical, unprincipled, talented mediocrities, it is not only the career of Adolph Adams that is in peril.
If his enemies can only but once have their way, Adolph’s defiance of the status quo will eventually cost him his life.
Can this sober and levelheaded man of principle manage to evade the devious plots and schemes of ‘the great and the good?’

Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment, Top Stories0 Comments

Ten GREAT Reasons to Join ISIS

Ten GREAT Reasons to Join ISIS

Greetings and salutations dysfunctional Western youth. God is great and so are you! We are ISIS and we are looking for a few good martyrs! Are you that special person who is destined to do great things for a great cause? Then we’re looking for you. Yes you! No, not you, the guy behind you. You there. You!

You didn’t stumble upon this website by accident. You were led here by a greater power. Isn’t that great? But enough polite western salutations and fragile ego stroking of weak infidels soon to die! Did we say that out loud? Sorry. Please allow us to to sing you a subliminal siren’s song about ten great reasons to join ISIS, with a Metallica sound track and nanosecond edited grotesque imagery at regular intervals.

1. Great Tax Breaks—As a member of ISIS you will no longer be required to pay taxes to the imperialist, godless devils of the United States of America. However we do require you make an occasional modest donation to the Martyr’s Fund, which we will use for hookers and booze right after you blow yourself up. Of course we realize such behavior makes us impure but we are willing to take one for the team. After all there is only so much room in Paradise.

2. Great Retirement Plan—Instead of the uncertainty that accompanies the economy you are currently enslaved to, ISIS provides a generous retirement plan for both you and your 72 virgins. Forget that pipe dream of ever owning an IRA and bingo on Wednesday nights… Tell McDonald’s to shove it and retire in the Gardens of Paradise with all of your friends. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics (II): Tim Jones’ My Spirited Defense of Donald Trump

Glossy News Classics (II): Tim Jones’ My Spirited Defense of Donald Trump

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Welcome to number II of the occasional series delving into our voluminous back catalog, here at Glossy News. Tim Jones has produced a large body of satire for us; but his well-honed, polished pieces are abundant in quality, and not only in quantity! It may seem a little odd to see such a recent piece being characterized as a ‘classic,’ but I have to say that the merciless ‘dry humor’ here is just superb. 

***

Donald Trump is a great American. In the past nine months, he has done a masterful job of uniting millions of Americans from all different backgrounds – admittedly mostly by uniting them in their deep hatred and fear of Donald Trump. But that’s simply because they’ve not gotten to know him the way I have.

If only he had more TV exposure, then people would see the light. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Thanks for Following SIC October Surprise Data Dump! Next Stop: Blair Fawkes Night!

Thanks for Following SIC October Surprise Data Dump! Next Stop: Blair Fawkes Night!

Although the Peace Criminals Project (Wallace Runnymede) is separate from and indeed unaffiliated with Glossy News (Brian K. White), I play a substantial role in both of these separate projects. Recently here at Glossy News, I spoke of the Peace Criminals Project’s massive ‘October Surprise Data Dump’ at the Satirical-Industrial Complex (SIC) site.

What’s next? Well, November 5 is Guy Fawkes Night, here in the UK. So, in order to bestow a fitting tribute to the proverbial ‘only man to ever enter parliament with good intentions,’ I am running a ‘Blair Fawkes Night’ at SIC! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

Gitmo Vs Justice

Gitmo Vs Justice

This is my response to the following article about 5 alleged 9/11 masterminds, who have been held at Gitmo since 2002 still in pre-trial hearings:
https://www.hrw.org/news/2016/07/26/dispatches-guantanamo-9/11-case-staggers

No doubt due in large part to lack of mainstream media attention of ongoing Guantanamo proceedings, many Americans today believe the perpetrators of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack all perished on that day. People are unaware of the fact that the US government has detained five men with alleged connection, at least one of whom is deemed to be a “mastermind.”

Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary, War Zone1 Comment

History – As Told by Forgotten Newspaper Headlines

History – As Told by Forgotten Newspaper Headlines

The recent presidential election has resulted in some pretty shocking newspaper headlines – like when Scotland’s The Daily Record ran a cover story showing a photo of Donald Trump at his swank new Scottish golf course on a windy day, with his hair all messed up. The headline read:

THERE WILL BE HELL TOUPEE!

The fact is provocative front pages are nothing new. Headlines intended to shock you go back centuries. Recently I did extensive research on the history of newspaper front page headlines, by which I mean I Googled “history of newspaper front page headlines” while binge-watching the Netflix series Stranger Things. I uncovered some long-lost front pages that detail some of the most important, but perhaps forgotten, events in human history.

In my research, I even found what is believed to be the very first front page headline ever written – from The Neanderthal News. It read: Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Making Headlines, Top Stories0 Comments

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