I am Ralphie. I Apologize for Rioting.

By Ralph “Ralphie” Parker,

By now multiple videos of me during the recent riots have been widely viewed on the internet. I feel that it’s necessary to apologize to my family and friends, and my fans, who know me only as the kid who wants a BB Gun in A Christmas Story, that movie that runs all day on Thanksgiving. So, to my Mom, my brother, Randy, and to the spirit of My Old Man (RIP), I’m sorry. I want to assure you all, this is not who I am. I take full responsibility for my own actions, and I want to be absolutely clear about something: This was all the fault of Scut Farkus.

I trusted Scut, I’ll admit it. Many of us did. He said it like it is, and the fact that his truths were demonstrably false and cruel doesn’t change that. He was the epitome of what I wish was strength and character, with that bizarrely colored hair, and those attractive yellow eyes. You could hear it in his speeches. He was speaking for us when he pointed to the liberal fake media and said, “What? Are you gonna cry? You gonna cry? Go ahead! Cry! Cry, baby, cry!” The invitation we all got from his toady, Grover Dill, esq., said, “You! Come here! Yeah, you!” Of course we went!

There’s this idea out there that everyone who went to the rally was driven by bizarre QAnon posts, and lizard persons, and pizza pedophile conspiracy theories. Nothing could be further from the truth. The messages I received and decoded using the Little Orphan Annie Decoder Pin made complete sense. There was one series of four that read:

Pack some food

You’ll be gone for days

Look good streaming


Another read:

Scut Farkus won

They cheated in so many ways

Rise up and kill the lousy

stinking socialist anarchist feminist

BLM antifa demons


Also, no, I am not some racist gun nut! At every point in my life, at every juncture, at every significant event recorded and presented as if for a holiday film that is both wry and nostalgic, there is at least one black kid mixed in the crowd in the background. I couldn’t possibly be racist. These “white supremacist” and “nazi” allegations are really framdanglerazzing nonsense. My best friend — well, my second best friend — is Schwarz

Case. Closed. 

I never wanted to hurt anyone. Sure, I brought my Red Ryder Carbine Action 200 Shot Range Model Air Rifle With a Compass and this Thing That Tells Time in the Stock with me to Washington, but I left it in the car. I was afraid I’d shoot some kid’s eye out.

Here’s the thing: I wanted my country back, the kind of country where the Old Man can win a major award because he knows the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse! Is that too much to ask? (Okay, it was my Mom who knew that, but My Old Man won the award.) I want an orderly country. A country where there are three kinds of people: the bullies, the toadies, or one of the nameless rabble of victims. A place for everyone and everyone in their place. Then we all suck up to the bully and hope he picks on someone else. That’s the America I grew up in, and it worked fine.

So, when Scut Farkus got on stage to speak, and said, “We’re going to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue — and I’ll be right there with you — and we’re going make Congress say ‘Uncle!’ Say it with me, ‘Say ‘uncle!’ Again! ‘Say ‘uncle!’” It was mesmerizing. I mean, he was lying. I know that now. He didn’t walk down Pennsylvania Avenue with us as we chanted, “Say uncle!”. We were misled. But Scut Farkus has yellow eyes.Who could fail to be moved by that? Not me! That’s for sure.

Thank you for accepting this heartfelt apology.

Author: Gary Chapin

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