Archive | Biz News

Passengers To Clean Airline Cabins, Toilets

Passengers To Clean Airline Cabins, Toilets

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — Complex merger talks now underway between United Airlines, Continental Airlines and US Airways include a landmark cost-cutting measure that will require passengers to clean the aircraft cabin and lavatories before leaving the plane.

“These discussions are all about finding efficiencies,” said an airline source close to the ongoing negotiations. “The fact is passengers are already onboard the plane. Continue Reading

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Detroit to be Bulldozed and Replaced with World’s Largest Mall

Detroit to be Bulldozed and Replaced with World’s Largest Mall

Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) -– In what was hailed as an extreme but necessary move by the Mayor of Detroit, work has begun in planning the total destruction and re-building of Detroit, this time as a shopping mall, not a city. All 143 square miles of the city will be leveled and work will begin early this fall on the mall, tentatively named the “Motown Mega Mall.” Continue Reading

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New York Governor Plans to Make You Pay to Poop

New York Governor Plans to Make You Pay to Poop

New York, NY 10017 (GlossyNews) — At a press this morning, Governor David Paterson unveiled a drastic overhaul to the operation of New York public restrooms meant to reign in spending and generate new revenue for the debt ridden state.

“I’ve pretty much cut every nickle from every aspect of government, so now it’s time to get really creative,”  Continue Reading

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Check Out This Guy’s Birth Certificate

Check Out This Guy’s Birth Certificate

On a Private Island in the Pacific (GlossyNews) — There is a man whose birth certificate should be given a lot of scrutiny. No, he is not Obama. This guy is whiter than Wonder Bread. He has done more to influence American policy in the last 10 years than possibly anyone else. And he is not an American. And he influences it in whatever way is advantageous to himself.

Say Hello to Rupert Murdoch, Australian born and raised media giant who is the brains and the motivator behind FOX News and their insistent anti-everything banter. Continue Reading

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Fox Analyst Reverses Opinion About Recession After Losing Job

Fox Analyst Reverses Opinion About Recession After Losing Job

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — A former Fox News economic analyst, who only last year said the worst part of the recession was over, is coming under fire from liberals for now claiming the economy is worse than ever. When asked what exactly led to his change in opinion, Christopher Jackson said, “I lost my fucking job!” Continue Reading

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Apple’s Jerry York Dies: Replaced by Jerry Sargent

Apple’s Jerry York Dies: Replaced by Jerry Sargent

CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Jerry York, Apple director and long-time adviser to billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, has died. Sources at Apple Inc broke the news on Thursday.

York joined Apple’s board of directors in 1997, a time when most consumers and analysts doubted the company’s future. Continue Reading

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“My Little Pony” Chewy Fruit Snacks Found to Contain Horse Meat

“My Little Pony” Chewy Fruit Snacks Found to Contain Horse Meat

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (GlossyNews) – Shock and horror were rampant in the children’s snack market this morning as the word spread that the popular “My Little Pony” fruit snacks contained elements of actual pony. The discovery was apparently made during an unannounced inspection at L&M Novelty Foods.

“Today is a sad day for both the children’s snack market and the equestrian community,” said lead USDA inspector Arnold Roberts. “We had suspicion for quite some time that elements of the product contained horse meat, and this was unfortunately confirmed by today’s test results.” Continue Reading

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Airlines Defend Proposed Airfare Hike for “Taking Off”

Airlines Defend Proposed Airfare Hike for “Taking Off”

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — TIME magazine’s cover photo this week of an aged man grasping a pair of testicles was incorrectly interpreted as portraying a Vatican official. It was in fact Reuben Kincaid, American Airlines’ spokesman for the bold new PTC (Placate the Cattle) initiative. The photo was taken by America-hating, closet Islamist Annie Leibovitz. Continue Reading

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Walmart Pulls “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” Over Missing Drum Stick

Walmart Pulls “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” Over Missing Drum Stick

TEXARKANA, TX (GlossyNews) — Thousands of angry fans flooded the phone lines and email servers of MTV/Electronic Arts and its retailers with complaints over today’s release of the eagerly anticipated “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” game. The issue stems from a perceived design flaw in the drum kit. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Music7 Comments

God Rejects Billionaires’ Joint Bid To Buy Earth

God Rejects Billionaires’ Joint Bid To Buy Earth

ALBUQUERQUE, NM (GlossyNews) — God Almighty, sole owner and creator of the earth, has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani, Lakshmi Mittal and other billionaire club members to buy the planet. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism7 Comments

U.S. Auctions States to Pay Off Mounting Deficit

U.S. Auctions States to Pay Off Mounting Deficit

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — The national debt in the United States has reached a record $10 trillion, with the deficit continuing to mount as efforts to stimulate the economy out of recession grow. To pay off this enormous amount, the federal government has embarked on an innovative overseas real estate auction. “It’s true,” said embattled Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “We’re selling individual states to foreign debtors.” Continue Reading

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Old Man Potter Saves Bedford Falls from Subprime Lender, Bailey

Old Man Potter Saves Bedford Falls from Subprime Lender, Bailey

BEDFORD FALLS, IN (GlossyNews) — Five more financial institutions were closed this week by federal regulators, bringing the total number of U.S. failed banks this year to 140, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation said. OneWest Bank was the first casualty of the morning. More surprising was the announcement that officials had seized the assets of and shuttered the Bailey Savings & Loan in Bedford Falls. Continue Reading

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