Memo: Principal Peter Principle’s Reminders as Teachers Return to In-Person Learning

To: Faculty, Monument High School

From: Principal Peter Principle

— Excited about your complete return to in-person student contacts.

— Don’t fret learning consequences: We’ve arranged sub pool, some with teaching credentials, in the eventuality you’re hospitalized, or die, from Covid-19.

— Below, we offer reminders about in-person teaching and collaborating, maybe forgotten as things got lax online. Not important on Zoom, they’re imperative in-person:

1) Shower or bathe in morning, rather than previous evening, if you have nighttime or morning sex;

2) Eliminate garlic, or other smelly items, from lunch choices;

3) Wear shoes and underwear;

4) Wear school issued Monument Marauders masks; no political slogans, management critiques, or internet memes tolerated on masks;

5) Conversely, no covering entire face during faculty and department meetings to sleep;

6) No vodka in water bottles and glasses;

7) Suspicions about hidden student cell phones or devices “out of the picture” online rendered moot since you can watch game-players and social media butterflies like hawks in-person; we’re not teaching students multi-tasking, though we depend upon it among teachers;

8) Identify your students since in-person you won’t have a name under Zoom picture boxes;

9) No more relying on the host’s mute button to pass gas during class;

10) Veteran faculty members should refrain from calling A.B.W. (“Activity Based Work”), utilized in the hybrid model, “Another Brick in the Wall” assignments;

11) Since an in-person host teacher can’t hide behind a blank Zoom name screen, do not stare at a student who catches your attention or fancy, for whatever reason;

12) Do not consume hangover remedies in front of students;

13) Do not invite your cat or dog to school to crawl all over you during a stirring lecture;

14) No need to fret anymore about likelihood of a senior popping up in bed with her boyfriend in her Zoom box during class session;

15) Do not send students, in groups or individually, to in-person breakout rooms; we don’t want you forgetting students who vex you, as some, judging by complaints, did online;

16) Remind students what pens, pencils and paper look like;

17) Monument’s in-person faculty dress code does not allow classroom hats; luckily, bald teachers needn’t worry about their Zoom glow when their device cameras caught them at the wrong angle;

18) Reassure students the hacking cough you disguised more easily on Zoom comes from vaping or smoking rather than Covid-19;

19) Don’t fret about new classroom cameras; administration grew fond of watching streaming sessions over the months;

20) Previously, you gave tests; now, you’ll get tested — for temperature, the virus, and, mostly, your patience and stamina some more. Good Luck!

Author: Ken Hogarty

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