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Four Things You Really Didn’t Know You Could Do Online

Four Things You Really Didn’t Know You Could Do Online

The World Wide Web is full of wonderful – but often very weird – things. Whilst there are undeniably some dark corners to the internet, there are also some downright hilarious and strange ones, too. We’re all online every day, often quite literally incessantly. But regardless of the number of selfies you have posted, likes gained and pins you have on Pinterest, there still are lots and lots of things we suspect you don’t know you can do online. Isn’t it time you shake things up a bit? Here are just four of them.

You Can Rent A Husband

“Ev the Handyman” (CC BY 2.0) by massless

Woah, there. Minds out of the gutter, please! Renting a husband is actually a really smart idea, particularly for all those lady executives out there who have a million and one other things to do than stuff around the house! Whether you’re a single parent, a career machine, or anything in between, sometimes it can be a bit of a blessing to have a man around. That shelf that you’ve been meaning to put up, or that fuse you just can’t figure out how to replace? He’ll do it. And the best bit? You can kick him to the curb when he’s done! And let’s make it clear: you can hire one of these handymen regardless of your gender or sexual preference too.

You Can Handle Invisible Money

Alright, alright… it’s exciting, but before you get your hopes up too much, there’s no invisibility cloak available like in Harry Potter (yet, but there soon might be). However, you can try your hand at using Bitcoin, which is arguably the most up-and-coming currency on the market. Online gambling is massively popular, but that can sometimes mean worrying about whether your money is safe online. The intangible digital currency of Bitcoin takes most of the safety and privacy concerns associated with using your cards online out of the equation. Yes, Bitcoin doesn’t exist as banknotes or coins at all. While it’s still accountable and perfectly usable, it’s in fact a sophisticated series of numbers, which all have to go through a digital ledger to be verified as a transaction. The technical dets are quite complicated, but the point is that this invisible money can be used to do all sorts of things online, including betting on sports like football and rugby. In fact, sites just like Sportsbet have chosen to go all in on Bitcoin, offering their services exclusively in this type of money which kind of doesn’t even feel real, since it never even touches your hands!

You Can Become A Lord Or Lady

Ever wanted to sound a bit posh? There’s no better way to do it than simply becoming a Lord or a Lady. It’s one of the best ways to gain respect without even showing your face, and, you guessed it – it’s easily done with just the click of a button. It used to be only those born into aristocracy who were able to boast such titles, through inheritance. A lucky few had the title bestowed upon them by royalty. However, these days, you can get your own fancy title in front of your name – so why not ditch the ‘Mr’ or ‘Ms’? UK law says you can call yourself anything you like, apparently… although what your friends will call you after they hear about this is another matter entirely!

You Can Get A Plush Replica Of Your Pet

“Blender Pet Again” (CC BY-SA 2.0) by DannoHung

It’s a fact – some of us are just way, way too attached to our pets! Whether your bundle of joy is far away or has sadly passed (or your pet is fine but you just can’t get enough), there is a solution for when you’re feeling cheated out of its cuddles. Clone it, of course – no, we don’t mean actual cloning, that’s too much for us, both ethically and financially. As if this wasn’t already the most obvious solution in the world, you can now get your very own stuffed replica, which will be able to give you love long after your real one can. Okay, sure, it’s not sentient. But hey, at least it doesn’t need to be fed (and it won’t ruin your carpets, either)!

There are some pretty awesome alternatives out there to mindlessly scrolling through social media – and these are just a few. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen online?

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Posted in Internets Tubes0 Comments

Two More Glossy News Classics Coming: American Dystopia & Theocratic Dystopians

Two More Glossy News Classics Coming: American Dystopia & Theocratic Dystopians

For the next couple of days, you’ll see more great Glossy News Classics from our back catalogue!

First, Rfreed with a strangely prescient view of the near-future USA… Continue Reading

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Do It Yourself Future News Headlines

Do It Yourself Future News Headlines

If you look at enough different newspapers enough different times you find things can be quite similar.

The rags always seem to be re-circulating the same type of newsworthy cadavers again and again.

The names and the places change, but the content is cloned.

It gets to the point where you can pretty much predict what the ‘new’ news will be about before it even becomes happens.

In fact, one might as well make up his own news- it won’t be that different from the real event! It never stopped our new Glorious Leader! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc0 Comments

Hair, the Rock Musical That Shook The World.

Hair, the Rock Musical That Shook The World.

It was almost 50 years ago that the rock opera ‘Hair’ first appeared on the scene in New York, just preceding the famous ‘Summer of Love’ of 1968.

Having humble beginnings, it played first in a disco way off Broadway, the actors greeting and ushering people in before performing. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music0 Comments

How Fake News is made (plus who, why and how)

How Fake News is made (plus who, why and how)

In the 2016 election season, Fake News websites sprung up quickly and in shocking numbers. Many believed their lies and voted based on them, but what IS fake news and how does it work?

How propagan-do???

Making headlines is hard, but making fake news is as easy as ABC (but in Russian). Fake news comes from Macedonia, Russia, these United States, and really everywhere. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes, Video News0 Comments

Children’s Alphabet Book Author Struggles to Find Animal Starting with Elemeno

Children’s Alphabet Book Author Struggles to Find Animal Starting with Elemeno

C is for cat and E is for elephant.

Every young child in the English-speaking world knows these two basic facts, thanks to the rhymes and illustrations of children’s alphabet books.

However, it turns out, according to author Alfred Labette, that these books have not been entirely forthcoming with the younger generations since their inception.

Labette shared a little-known secret that nearly every alphabet book published since the height of the Roman Empire has skipped past the under-appreciated Elemeno.

“People assume X is the letter that gives us all the trouble,” Labette explains. “But it’s really the elusive Elemeno that makes things difficult. And no wonder it’s forgotten with how quickly we rush through that part of the song.” Alfred, or Alf to his friends, says he has approached the problem from multiple angles, including using animal names from other languages and even mythical creatures. “I’ve got some ideas brewing that are lightyears beyond any other of those sophomoric authors,” Labette declares with pride in his eyes.

A tortured soul to say the least, Labette wakes up every morning, stares at a blank piece of paper for three hours, and then pours through line after line of text on the Internet, looking for inspiration until the caffeine and vitamin B finally wear off. His deadline is fast approaching with just under three weeks to find the answer.

Still, Labette is confident he will have the first true alphabet animal book assembled and published, complete from aardvark to zorgon.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Kidz Zone0 Comments

How our Mockumentary is Really Made (Video Exclusive)

How our Mockumentary is Really Made (Video Exclusive)

If you’ve seen this channel, you know me, Bobby Joe, the voice of the popular “How REALLY Do” series.

Well good news, they’re making a documentary all about me, my life, and my rise to fame as the voice of a generation.

But we need your help, and no, we don’t need your money. We just need you to tell us what you want to know about me.

They’ll be interviewing our crack team of research writers, producers, biggest fans and critics as well as people what who know about films, documentaries and book learning overall. I’ll be in it of course so you’ll finally get to see my big dumb face and come to know me real darn well. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Video News0 Comments

World’s Most Beloved Dead Body Dies

World’s Most Beloved Dead Body Dies

Bobby “Stock Still” Jenkins, arguably the world’s most well-known dead body, has died at the age of 62. “When I found him lying face down in his breakfast, I just thought he was doing it again. Pretending to be dead when he really wasn’t,” Mrs. Grace Jenkins, Bobby’s wife of 35 years said. “I’m still not absolutely sure, but he’s been in the ground three days now and nothing yet.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Talky Pictures, Top Stories5 Comments

Banned “Male Health” Documentary from 1952 (Part 1)

Banned “Male Health” Documentary from 1952 (Part 1)

We tracked down a banned 1950s virility documentary film, and we present it to you essentially unedited. Sure, we cleaned it up a bit, made it look nicer, but it’s essentially as it was meant to be.

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Be on the lookout for Part Two soon!

Royalty-free music “Last Kiss Goodnight” by Kevin MacLeod — Incompetech.com. Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, Video News0 Comments

Social Media Icons

Social Media Icons

I mentioned a while back that this was going to be a BIG YEAR.

Well, we now have an unbelievable panoply social media sharing icons at the bottom of every article!

Make sure you avail of them.

We’re always looking to make things bigger and better, here at Glossy News.

For any new pitches, submissions or feedback, please email Brian glossynews@gmail.com or Wallace wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes, Top Stories0 Comments

4K Glossy News Podcast 072 (2-1-17) – Ground Hog’s Day Edition

4K Glossy News Podcast 072 (2-1-17) – Ground Hog’s Day Edition

The 4K/UHD podcast is back with a whole new take on 2017.

* I got my buddy a free shirt.

* I’m on pace to hit a million views this year, but there’s so much more here…

* It could have been a Hot Stream, but it’s the Kodi Box, specifically with Exodus. You just but it, plug it in to your TV, and the damn thing just works. It’s like Netflix, but with EVERY TV show and movie, kind of since forever. Continue Reading

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Posted in Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

Fake News for Fake People: (3/3)

This is KIND OF fake news, insofar as it hasn’t actually happened yet.

Loudmouthed Boston characters to replace the previously shy & retiring NYC ones?

C’mon, people!

MAKE IT HAPPEN

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Here’s a salutary lesson for INTELLIGENT Twitter users…

Or not so much, as the case may be.

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Death of a beautiful career?

download (42)

Not a fake quote, but easily misunderstood until you probe a little deeper.

Cartman gets an anal probe?

Nah! Ike gets a deeply fastidious one!

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Sorry about the small writing. I guess that’s the least of our worries. What IS IT with this pretentious idiot?

(Sorry, did I mean Ted Haggard or Richard Dawkins?)

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PSSSST!
Don’t worry if the print on that last one was too small to read.
You’re REALLY, REALLY not missing too much.

download (41)

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Fake Memes for Fake People: (2/3)

WTF? Did Orwell actually say this?

download-33

Citrus surprise looking a little bitter

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Fake tan, fake opinions, fake Trump card

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Fake-o liberals and conservatives in Germany think book burning is more effective than winning the argument against fascism

download-31

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Fake Memes for Fake People: (1/3)

Whatever happens, Ensuite Johnny gonna Ensuite! Lookin’ pretty chill there, bro!

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Dave on his best behaviour for the New Year? Pigs will fly! 😉

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There are those who demonize and stereotype autistic folks. But then, there are also those self-diagnosed autistic justice warriors who try to gild us.

Hardly much of an improvement, is it?

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STOP HATE SPEECH AGAINST CORPORATIONS

THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO, AND THEY HAVE FEELINGS!

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***

Psst! Two more instalments coming up tomorrow!
If you have some memes you made and want to share with us, email wallacerunnymede@gmail.com.
We’ll make sure to put ’em up there!
Wallace

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Real Fake News is Losing Credibility

Real Fake News is Losing Credibility

Real Fake News (RFN) is the only non-partisan news source left. And its integrity is under sustained attack by the peddlers of illegitimate fake news. It’s being stomped on by those charlatans who declare themselves honest, rational and accurate.

Abdul O’Shaunessy, one of the best known Real Fake News writers working today, emphasized this point by adding, “Those partisan pricks are taking over.”

Abdul is right. The purveyors of illegitimate fake news have cleanly divided into two partisan camps. And each of those camps declare themselves to be the paragon of honesty.

We writers of the RFN say right up front we’re gonna lie like hell and then present our lies honestly in a straightforward manner.

So, who are you going to trust? Those people who tell you what you are about to read is total bullshit or those who swear what they are telling you is the absolute truth?

It’s getting tougher and tougher to compete when we are all telling the same lies about the same people. Those partisan pricks are encroaching into our territory without shame and without mercy.

Let’s take a recent example of an incident that occurred during the presidential inauguration. Specifically, the moment when Mrs. Trump gave Mrs. Obama the traditional gift marking the transition of administrations.

Anti-Trumpers called Melania “A haughty Empress who considers the Obamas lowbrow and quite bourgeois. She showed her disdain by off-handedly tossing her box on the table and moving away from the rabble as fast as she could.”

The Pro-Trumpers referred to the event as “A gracious gesture on the part of Mrs. Trump to show her appreciation of how Mrs. Obama has conducted herself as the FLOTUS.” They called it “typical” when Mrs. Obama showed no appreciation whatsoever.

Mr. O’Shaunessy said the look on Michele’s face betrayed her aching desire to get her hands on Melania’s box. And ever since seeing Melania’s girl on girl spread in the fashion magazine article, she could think of little else.

Now all three are bullshit but the readers of the illegitimate fake news swallowed their preferred versions whole and are happy to repeat it to anyone who thinks just like they do.

But us RFN readers are much more sophisticated.

We understand how things really work.

We are perceptive, sharp and quite clever. We are truly the only intelligent consumers of information left.

Abdul O’Shaunessy had some chilling remarks about the future of Real Fake News.

“They’re filching our stuff. And some brilliant RFN writers, good friends of mine, have been coaxed over to their side. We are starting to lose our best and brightest.”

Please, don’t let our lies continue to lose their credibility.

Get up and call hooey on all of it.

Standup tall for sincere and heartfelt bullshit.

At this critical point, I can do little more than salute your dedication to honesty.

I’m sure Adbul will agree with me when I say that Real Fake News certainly attracts a better class of people.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Television2 Comments

Louis Armstrong & the What-About-Bop

Louis Armstrong & the What-About-Bop

My favorite Louis Armstrong song has to be ‘The What-About-Bop!’

What about, oh yeah, what about!
Everybody love dem what about!

The neocons love it, the Islamists love it!
Everyboy lovin’ dem what about!

Hey baby, hey baby what you whataboutin’ ’bout, girl?
Everybody lovin’ dem what about!

GOP God Squad love it,
Democrat Blame Squad love it,
Everybody lovin’ dem what about!

Got any more verses? Got friends and family who are not easily offended? Add them to the comments below, and the editorial staff will publish them!

Alternatively, send your funny stuff to Brian & Wallace @ Glossy News:

glossynews@gmail.com
wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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Posted in Music, Politics0 Comments

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