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Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.

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Posted in Biz News, Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Television0 Comments

Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found

Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found

Rutherford, New Jersey – Following the Denver Broncos horrific 43-8 loss in Super Bowl XLVIII to the Seattle Seahawks at MetLife Stadium, fans were left scratching their heads trying to determine what happened to the NFL’s top ranked offense that averaged 37.9 points-per-game in the regular season.

“I think everyone watching knew something was wrong from Denver’s opening play when Manning flubbed the snap,” said Referee James Chicanski after the game. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Sports Events1 Comment

Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Also

Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Also

Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too. Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

“Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim.”

And then this, “You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood.”

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

“No, no man, my blood, it’s like…oh never mind.”

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

“What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no…wait yeah, I wanna go golfing. You got clubs?”

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

“No, no, man, c’mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing…”

No, Joe, we don’t have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans. Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

“Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh.”

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip2 Comments

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Each week the Russian military, secret police and Sochi security authorities receive dozens of homemade videos made by ethnic Russians threatening terrorist attacks on innocent civilians at the Sochi Olympics.

Almost all are dismissed as the drunken rankings of misfits, homosexuals or comsymps.

However,in mid December they received a video from two Chechnyans taking credit for the terrorist bombing at a train station in Volgograd that killed 34 people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Sports Events1 Comment

Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Publicist Says Death’s Timing “Unlucky”

Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Publicist Says Death’s Timing “Unlucky”

An impromptu poll in Variety Magazine Online has voted actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman “Unluckiest Person in the World” after dying of a heroin overdose on Superbowl Sunday.

Hoffman, best known for his work in “Boogie Nights” and Oscar winning performance “Capote” was found dead early Sunday morning in his Greenwich residence with a heroin needle sticking out of his arm.

Agents and public relations managers consider it an albatross to die on a busy media day as the conflicting news attractions draw attention away from the celebrities death. The Super Bowl is considered the perfect storm black hole of media diversions. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Talky Pictures0 Comments

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

A highly respected writer for The Onion was found dead in near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is still being investigated. The body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found in an abandoned house with a typewriter on his lap and an empty bottle of Jack.

Police are not saying if the 25 page document discovered in the immediate vicinity was a suicide note, but they are calling the death “suspicious”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Strange People12 Comments

ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF

ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF

Tel Aviv, Israel – Possibly fearing career backlash over her eight year stint as official ambassador for international human rights organization OXFAM, Scarlett Johansson has decided to join the Israel Defense Forces (IDF).

“I am very happy to be part of the IDF and will work very hard to turn back the tide of anti-Semitic Jew hate typified by organizations like OXFAM. Mazel Tov!” said Johansson. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip0 Comments

Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead

Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead

THOUSANDS of social media users were shocked to learn that ‘music legends’ such as Michael Jackson and Whitney Huston are still dead.

The distressing news came throughout the months following the announcement of the pop idols’ deaths.

Mourners took to Twitter and Facebook to share their utter disbelief and heartache over deceased celebrities that they had never met.

One tweet from @lucy_carr5 said: “Literally crying my eyes out listening to ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’. RIP Whitney, heaven has gained another star.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Music3 Comments

George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

Alamo, TX – Boxing promoter Damon Feldman announced today he has inked a deal for cult neighborhood watch leader George Zimmerman to fight black dwarf actor Tony Cox in a celebrity boxing match to be held in Selma, Alabama on March 1st.

Cox is best known for his roles in Bad Santa and Date Movie as well as playing an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Events0 Comments

Grammy Committee To Require Black Face

Grammy Committee To Require Black Face

Los Angeles, CA – In response to criticism over white artists Macklemore and Lewis winning several rap categories at this weeks Grammy Awards, the Grammy Committee has voted to require white artists winning in traditional black categories such as Rap, R&B and Reggae to wear black face and use the word “mammy” at least 3 times during their acceptance speech.

“The Grammys are sensitive to charges of white privilege in our selection process and believe these changes will go a long way to addressing those issues” said Grammy spokesperson Don White.

RIGHT: Julianna Hough, seen here at her CD Release party, is hoping to get in on the new trend. (CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

In addition, the Grammys will require non white winners in Country Music categories to wear overalls and black out half their visible teeth and non Hispanic winners in Latin categories to wear a sombrero and serve tacos at after parties.

(photo note…Al Jolson?)

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Posted in Entertainment, Music1 Comment

Johansson “I Was Unaware OXFAM Filled w/ Anti Semitic Jew Hating Nazis”

Johansson “I Was Unaware OXFAM Filled w/ Anti Semitic Jew Hating Nazis”

Hollywood, CA – Hollywood screen goddess Scarlett Johansson has resigned as ambassador of international human rights organization OXFAM after receiving criticism from the group over her recent ad work for the West Bank based Israeli company Sodastream.

OXFAM, an international confederation of 17 organizations in 90 countries works to find solutions to poverty and end injustice and exploitation of poor people around the world. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment6 Comments

Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake

Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake

A woman butterfly collector who had the arrogance to write an article describing her honest if not sophomoric and misunderstood anxiety over seeing a chubby black woman at her yoga class has been hunted down, bound, blindfolded and burned at the stake by beautiful netizen people who happened to be without sin.

Non writer Jen Polachek posing under the psuedonym Jen Caren was prompted by an editor at the popular cat-lady in training website XOJANE to write an article about her recent yoga/chubby black woman experience and how as a privileged racist white bitch she should be ashamed of herself and maybe slit her wrists. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes4 Comments

Duck Dynasty Tops WWE and Pawnstars W/E 1/26

Duck Dynasty Tops WWE and Pawnstars W/E 1/26

Cable TV results are in for W/E 1/26 and Duck Dynasty at 6.6 million viewers easily beats out its cable reality competition.

World Wrestling Entertainment came in at 5.2, 5.0 and 4.3 million for its three Monday shows and Pawnstars clocked in at 5.2 and 4.7 for its Thursday programs.

“Lizzy Borden Took an Ax” had a surprisingly good showing at 4.4. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television1 Comment

Billionaire Tom Perkins Tweets Walk-Back of Holocaust Comment

Billionaire Tom Perkins Tweets Walk-Back of Holocaust Comment

San Francisco, CA – Silicon Valley venture capitalist legend Tom Perkins who came under fire for misguided comments comparing the treatment of the rich to holocaust victims responded to critics today on Twitter.

“Seriously, I simply don’t understand this obsession with the price of holos and let’s be honest, the only people who might get upset over the Kristallnacht before Christmas are filthy Jews.”

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Posted in Biz News, Celebrity Gossip0 Comments

“Walking Dead” Writers Smoke Crack, Kill Off Entire Cast

“Walking Dead” Writers Smoke Crack, Kill Off Entire Cast

Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has learned this season of Walking Dead will be it’s last as every single cast member dies.

Talking to writers of the show on condition of anonymity, one stated after fan favorite Herschel was beheaded during last seasons finale they just got started and couldn’t stop.

“It was like we were on amphetamines…or something.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television4 Comments

Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*

Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*

Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has revealed production for the Duck Dynasty Season 5 finale has resumed and will be titled “The Camo Knight”.

Not all elements of the anticipated episode are known but it has been learned it will prominently feature patriarch Phil Robertson dressed as a crusading Knight Templar.

Robertson battles a mysterious figure dressed in a hooded dark cloak whose only visible clue is a long, blood stained beard. Each time Robertson loses a limb to the challenger Duck Dynasty drops 2 million viewers.

As his last leg hits the ground Robertson shouts “You fight like a sodomist, heathen pagan chicken! I keel you now!”. The figure walks away saying “It is finished” removing his cloak and revealing himself to be none other than Jesus Christ.

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Posted in Entertainment, Television4 Comments

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