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Johnny Depp Unveils Breadlocks as Disney Announces Latest Sequel

Johnny Depp Unveils Breadlocks as Disney Announces Latest Sequel

Burbank, California – The Walt Disney Company made an exciting announcement over the weekend promoting their latest sequel in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise that doubles as a poignant tribute to the recently extinct Olive Garden restaurant chain.

Johnny Depp spoke from a podium outside of Walt Disney Studios on Riverside Drive, dressed in his distinctive pirate costume with a new twist to his hairstyle that he referred to as “breadlocks.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures5 Comments

Ben Affleck Under Investigation For Researching Wrong Role in Las Vegas

Ben Affleck Under Investigation For Researching Wrong Role in Las Vegas

Las Vegas – Ben Affleck was caught ‘counting cards’ in Las Vegas this week and authorities are baffled as to why the actor was attempting such a feat.

Apparently, Affleck was on a bender and claimed to be doing research for a role in the next Rain Man movie, which isn’t even planned, instead of working on his upcoming Batman movie.

“I’m Batman. Yeah, de..de…definitely Batman,” Affleck stammered as he was escorted away from the blackjack table. The dealer at the table, Rich Mann, said Affleck had been speaking all day in a low, gruff voice like Batman would in a movie but had also been stuttering as well. Continue Reading

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Lorde Accuses Papparazzo Of Taking Pictures Of Her In Public

Lorde Accuses Papparazzo Of Taking Pictures Of Her In Public

Age ambiguous, teen pop music sensation Lorde, took to twitter this weekend to accuse a paparazzi photographer of maliciously taking photographs of her in public.

“This man has been stalking me, photographing me in public and refusing me my God given right to public privacy!” said Lorde in a Twitter rant on Saturday.

“I’m scared of him.” she added.

To support her position that people shouldn’t be deprived of their privacy while out in public, Lorde posted a picture of her alleged harasser and a link to his Facebook page. To drive the point home, she then posted two photos of Rihanna that the paparazzo in question took earlier this year.

“Those photos of Ri showed her glum, frumpy and without makeup. She looked like someone in ghetto flyover…and a rising star like me can’t have that. This last year pictures of me were distributed that showed my horrible, acne ravaged complexion and my flat chest. Another taken at the beach showed my pasty, cottage cheese thighs. How am I to improve business to male demographics, not to mention desperate fat-shamed women, if I can’t control the carefully manipulated image for which I paid good money?” Lorde later tweeted.

Not all her followers on twitter were sympathetic. When questioned about the apparent inconsistency of welcoming paparazzi at media orchestrated events, red carpets and debuts, Lorde responded, “That’s different. I had hours to spackle my face, get my hair and nails done, do some coke and adorn myself in borrowed jewels and De la Renta fashions.”

However, most fans of Lorde expressed support of the singer, right before they drove to the nearest convenience store to buy the latest New York Post, Star, Celeb Scandal and Daily Mail.

photo credit: annettegeneva via photopin cc

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Top Stories1 Comment

Latest Godzilla Movie Features Fatter, Middle-Age Monster With Low T

Latest Godzilla Movie Features Fatter, Middle-Age Monster With Low T

Tokyo – In the latest incarnation of the Godzilla series of big-screen features, Godzilla 2014, the monster playing the fierce creature looks a little less menacing than in previous movies, and a little more out of shape.

“It’s true, I’ve let myself go the last few years.” The giant beast sighed.

“They called my agent two years ago about doing this movie and I thought I could whip myself back into shape. But you know as well as I do, when you hit middle age, it’s a bitch to lose weight, man.” Continue Reading

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Fine, I’ll Break the News: Paul Dinello to Take Over Colbert Report

Fine, I’ll Break the News: Paul Dinello to Take Over Colbert Report

With Stephen Colbert leaving to fill the massive shoes of David Letterman on CBS, who will take over at 11:30 on Comedy Central? Paul Dinello, it is hoped.

This news has not been official until now. No one else has picked up on the obvious clues, so once again, I’ll be the one to break the news. Paul Dinello is being groomed to take over on The Colbert Report. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television2 Comments

Japanese Accused of “Fat-Shaming” Godzilla, Warner Brothers of “Cultural Appropriation”

Japanese Accused of “Fat-Shaming” Godzilla, Warner Brothers of “Cultural Appropriation”

As the film Godzilla approaches it’s US May 16th debut, the grievance industry got started early when the internetz and blogosphere exploded late Friday after a new trailer of the movie was released by Warner Brothers.

Japanese fan groups accused the current WB depiction of the monster as being “too fat” and “supersized like a #1 at McDonalds.” President of Tokyo based “Real Fans of Godzilla”, Fumihiko Yokohama said, “When I saw it, I was taken aback. The neck is to big and it’s too fat all the way down to it’s gigantic, massive butt.”

“Godzilla is a sleek, fast footed dinosaur, you know, like a Geisha, not a waddling, huge footed Rickshaw woman.” Fumihiko explained.

But posters on the Ginja blog Jezebel were not impressed. Staff writer Windy West wrote “How dare these Japanese mehn objectify and fat shame Godzilla! She is who she is as the Gaea Goddess Lokina made her! Accept her as she is and not how decades of mehn writers and directors have sexually objectified her! You don’t have gender privilege to her body!”

West continued “They’re probably all rapists anyways.”

As that imbroglio was unfolding, another catalyzed as members of the US based group “Eradicating Offensive Native Mascotry”, jumped on the banned wagon.

“It’s shocking and offensive to Native Americans that the white men of Warner Brothers would steal and exploit a significant religious symbol of Native Japanese Americans, for no other reason then to make an engaging movie and a profit,” said EONM Public Relations Director John Brown.

“The movie was made by a white dominated movie studio with a white director, white actors and filmed in white Canada. It’s cultural appropriation at it’s essence.” Brown added.

Calls to Warner Brothers for a response to these accusations were not returned.

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures, Top Stories0 Comments

New Study: Fat Bottomed Girls May Not ‘Make the Rockin’ World Go Round’ After All

New Study: Fat Bottomed Girls May Not ‘Make the Rockin’ World Go Round’ After All

Ithaca, NY – After years of tireless research at Cornell University, professors have released a study that brings into question the long-accepted fact the late great Freddie Mercury, from the rock band Queen, proclaimed to the world – Fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.

For decades, scientists went along with the wisdom that Mr. Mercury espoused in his song of the same name. But recently, many in the field of physics and astronomy have begun quietly questioning whether the lyrics are actually true in the real world or not. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music6 Comments

E-Trade Baby Blowing Through Money After Commercial Campaign Canceled

E-Trade Baby Blowing Through Money After Commercial Campaign Canceled

The precocious baby known for turning millions on to online trading, and making millions for himself, is reportedly blowing through his fortune at an alarming rate since E-Trade pulled the plug on the commercial campaign which made him famous.

‘E’, as his friends know him, has been spending like a drunken baby sailor in the last year on things like hookers, booze and gambling.

“Hey! YOLO, bitches. Am I right?” he mumbled through a haze of pot smoke, surrounded by playmates at the ‘Little Shits Day Care’ he calls home during the day when his mom and dad are at work. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television0 Comments

Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare

Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare

Flo, the permanently perky face of Progressive Insurance, has been named new Secretary of Health and Human Services replacing outgoing HHS czar Kathleen Sebelius. President Obama made the announcement last night.

The decision was a tough one and President Obama said the choice came down to Flo or the Geico Gecko. “I mean, they’re both already in the insurance industry, right? And things aren’t going so well with Obamacare right now so it seemed like a no-brainer,” the President said Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Health1 Comment

Ultrasound Shows Chelsea Clinton’s Unborn Child is a Conservative

Ultrasound Shows Chelsea Clinton’s Unborn Child is a Conservative

(Great Falls, VA.) – To the horror of the entire Clinton clan, ultrasound results have proven that Chelsea Clinton is pregnant with a conservative child.

The family was overjoyed at the initial news of the pregnancy but, upon learning of the test results, have gone into a time of mourning over its political affiliation.

Mrs. Clinton was shocked when their nurse informed them of the news. “I’m speechless and don’t know what I’m going to do! How could this happen to me? Why have I been cursed?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip5 Comments

Harry Reid Takes on Bundy Family, Al says “Let’s Rock”

Harry Reid Takes on Bundy Family, Al says “Let’s Rock”

(Nevada) – Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has doubled down on his name calling by referring to the Bundy family as ‘domestic terrorists’ after the Bundy home became a lightning rod for controversy involving unpaid taxes.

The situation began after patriarch Al Bundy refused to pay taxes on Big ‘Uns magazines as well as Bon-Bons and hair care products for wife Peggy.

“Those things are basic essentials, like food and water,” proclaimed Al. “You can’t tax hooters! It’s un-American!”
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Posted in Politics, Television1 Comment

Alanis Morissette, Sarah Jessic Paker in Horse Alliance Leaked

Alanis Morissette, Sarah Jessic Paker in Horse Alliance Leaked

The biggest name in 90s femimusic has been linked with the biggest name in subsription-only television faux drama. Akabus Morissette and Sarah Jessica Parker have not only come out as lebians, but as equine-Canadiamericans at that.

In an announcement that shocked literally twos of soulless Hollywood star chasers, multi-platinum recording artst Alanis Morrissette has come out as a lesbian, a self-proclaimed “Canadian” and a conveneint lesbian. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

Aretha Franklin Chills Satireverse

Aretha Franklin Chills Satireverse

Damn. Those are some big mammies. We’re talking motor yacht and a snorkel.

[SOURCE 1] and [SOURCE 2].

Some people just can’t take a joke…

I don’t get this one. If anyone should feel slighted it’s LaBelle, who the article states was arrested. Franklin is going to have a tough time proving damages. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Music, Top Stories1 Comment

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

It was a demise that many have seen coming for a long time.

It is a tragedy whose full impact will not be noticed for a while to come.

All things of great worth that are brought into this world go through a cycle- a difficult and long birth, a formative period where it is ignored, misunderstood and its virtues recognized by few, then an ascendance and acceptance by the more intelligent and fore-sighted in society, then an adaption to the masses that makes it widely accepted; hesitantly at first, becoming more so as it becomes less of a mystery, then wildly enthusiastically with throngs raving of its wonders and putting down hard cash and imbuing long hours in use of it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes1 Comment

Yeezus Punishes Kanye West for Taking His Own Name in Vain

Yeezus Punishes Kanye West for Taking His Own Name in Vain

Yeezus, master of all universes, creator of light and darkness which thrives upon us has blamed and punished the innocent Kanye West for criticizing him in a public ceremony after calling him a “no good, dirty piece of shit” and “a disgrace to hip-hop music, if hip-hop was considered music.”

Yeezuits attending the ceremony had to escort Kanye out of the church building and into his vehicle, a 2014 Kim Sluté. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment0 Comments

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

The ultimate traitor, Steven Colbert, has sold his soul and gone over to the dark side of the Force.
In signing a deal with CBS, probably with a pinprick and a signature in blood, he has given up his proud conservative legacy for filthy lucre.

Once a true leader and outspoken critic on all things evil and liberal in our pure Aryan society (evil and liberal being the same thing), he has now turned into a horse of another color when offered a shot at fame and fortune. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

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