Posted on 05 March 2014.
The Academy of Motion Picture Tarts and Minuses has announced it’s post Oscar Oscars for 2014.
And the Oscar Oscars go to…
Best Female Performance In A Reprise Role – Jennifer Lawrence for strategically tripping in front of hundreds of media cameras as she exited her Red Carpet limo.
Best Male Performance In An Audition Disguised As An Award Presentation – Vinnie Barberino casting for “Lego 2”.
Best Female Performance in an Audition Disguised as an Award Presentation – Kim Novak casting for “Catwoman – The Dim Twilight Years”.
Worst Execution of a Wardrobe Malfunction and Nipple Slip – Liza Minnelli because what has been seen cannot be unseen. For God’s sake woman, no one needed that. Not even Buster.
Best Acceptance Speech – Lupita Nyongo’o because America likes Oscar speeches from their Supporting Actress winners like they prefer their espresso…short, dark and sweet.
Best Ham Handed Product Placement – Ellen DeJeneres for snapping selfies with an Academy provided Samsung Galaxy then running backstage to Tweet on her IPhone 4.
Best Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for implying Jesus cares who wins Best Lead Actor 2014.
Best Joke That Will Get Terminally Indignant Panties In A Wad – Ellen after implying Liza Minnelli was a drag queen impersonator and saying “Good job sir”.
Worst Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for saying “If God is your friend then you are your best friend”. WTF does that mean. Seriously. Bring on the snakes, at least I can see them.
Most Syrupy Acceptance Speech – Jared Leto because larding shug shug on your family for 74 seconds is commendable, but who needs diabetes.
Best Performance Eliciting Strange Audience Reactions – Pharrell Williams for getting Meryl Streep to shake her tits like a dollar pole stripper.
Best Maneuvering Around PR Minefields – Cate Blanchett for limiting feint praise on alleged serial child molester Woody Allen.
Best Performance In A Canadian-Like Demonstration Of Inferiority – Cate Blanchett for reminding us Paul Hogan also came from Australia.
Best Spike Lee Commemorative “Respect The Neighborhood Whitey” Performance – Pink. Thought she would fuck up “Over the Rainbow” but she did okay. Kudos bitch. Liza Minnelli’s mom would be proud.