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Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Anyone who watches the A & E reality hit show Duck Dynasty, is familiar with not only Uncle Si, but his perpetual sidekick, a vintage Tupperware tumbler he carries everywhere he goes. Si is never without a container of sweet tea to keep his tumbler half full or half empty, whichever way the day is going.

The cup has become a running gag on the show. The way it was explained in the first season of the show is that when Si went to Viet Nam, his mama packed away his tea tumbler to go with him. He has had it in his hand ever since and needless to say, it is practically a sacrilege to mess with Uncle Si’s tea tumbler. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television1 Comment

“The Night They Raided Minskys” Reviewed by a Guy Who Even Saw the Flick

“The Night They Raided Minskys” Reviewed by a Guy Who Even Saw the Flick

Released in 1968 this flick could have been made today as a relevant retrospective to burlesque.
The naughty nature of burlesque versus the rude routines that pass as suggestive stage entertainment today are in stark contrast when you compare today’s crude crotch crunking with the clumsy bumps and grinds of yesteryear.

Produced by Norman Lear and directed by William Friedkin, it is based on a book by Rowland Barber which paints a fictional account of the invention of the striptease. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Opinon/Editorial, Talky Pictures3 Comments

Bieber Fans Rejoice After Pizza Grease Reveals Deceased Singer’s Image

Bieber Fans Rejoice After Pizza Grease Reveals Deceased Singer’s Image

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Justin Bieber fans everywhere celebrated the passing of arguably the greatest performer in American history this weekend when pizza grease on a napkin at BoBo’s Pizza Kitchen in South Philadelphia revealed a clear image of the late star.

“I actually had a heart attack when I looked down and saw the image in front of me,” said longtime pizza lover and Bieber fan, Martin Slomvieskewicz, as he was being released from the hospital after a two day stay on Monday.

“It was like he was speaking to me from beyond the grave and it was the best and worst moment of my life. Ouch!” Added Slomvieskewicz. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music2 Comments

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring.

“There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those pornographers. I mean, how many times can you look at a naked person and still get aroused? How many giggling breasts and buttocks can you watch before you get tired of it all? Sooner or later, the whole thing just bores you to tears.”

Mr. Garbanzo is 27 and he grew up in an age when business on the internet began to boom, when pornography became no longer rare or hidden, but has been made available even to early teens at the touch of a few buttons. As Mr. Garbanzo says, “It used to be you’d have to sneak into the basement and root around for your father’s hidden stash of nudie magazines. And then you’d have to make do with the model that happened to be featured in those pages and with however she chose to pose herself.
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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes2 Comments

“I, Frankenstein” Reviewed by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick

“I, Frankenstein” Reviewed by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick

All I have to say about Liongate’s newest offering I, Frankenstein is “Oh, my Gawd! Who got paid to make this bullsh*t?”

This latest robitussin induced nightmare from the creators of “UNDERWORLD” comes from the jacked up graphic novel “I, Frankenstein” by Kevin Grevioux, and is directed by Stuart Beattie.

Theoretically we could cleverly say, “brought to life by Beattie” but that would be a damned lie and much more stylish than this cadaver of a film. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures4 Comments

January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January GlossyNews Winners Announced
We have the best satire staff in the game and it’s with glee I announce the winners of our January contest.

There was a delay in the announcement caused by, you know, let’s say “factors.” A couple are legit, plus also just being busy. Anticipation is a good thing, right?

I can tell you the final decision for the two judge’s choice awards wasn’t easy, but in keeping with tradition, it’s sure to ruffle a few feathers. But you’ll read about how rufflesome momentarily. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.

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Posted in Biz News, Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Television0 Comments

Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found!

Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found!

Rutherford, New Jersey – Following the Denver Broncos horrific 43-8 loss in Super Bowl XLVIII to the Seattle Seahawks at MetLife Stadium, fans were left scratching their heads trying to determine what happened to the NFL’s top ranked offense that averaged 37.9 points-per-game in the regular season.

“I think everyone watching knew something was wrong from Denver’s opening play when Manning flubbed the snap,” said Referee James Chicanski after the game. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Sports Events1 Comment

Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Also

Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Also

Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too. Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

“Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim.”

And then this, “You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood.”

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

“No, no man, my blood, it’s like…oh never mind.”

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

“What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no…wait yeah, I wanna go golfing. You got clubs?”

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

“No, no, man, c’mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing…”

No, Joe, we don’t have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans. Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

“Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh.”

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip2 Comments

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Each week the Russian military, secret police and Sochi security authorities receive dozens of homemade videos made by ethnic Russians threatening terrorist attacks on innocent civilians at the Sochi Olympics.

Almost all are dismissed as the drunken rankings of misfits, homosexuals or comsymps.

However,in mid December they received a video from two Chechnyans taking credit for the terrorist bombing at a train station in Volgograd that killed 34 people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Sports Events1 Comment

Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Publicist Says Death’s Timing “Unlucky”

Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Publicist Says Death’s Timing “Unlucky”

An impromptu poll in Variety Magazine Online has voted actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman “Unluckiest Person in the World” after dying of a heroin overdose on Superbowl Sunday.

Hoffman, best known for his work in “Boogie Nights” and Oscar winning performance “Capote” was found dead early Sunday morning in his Greenwich residence with a heroin needle sticking out of his arm.

Agents and public relations managers consider it an albatross to die on a busy media day as the conflicting news attractions draw attention away from the celebrities death. The Super Bowl is considered the perfect storm black hole of media diversions. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Talky Pictures0 Comments

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

A highly respected writer for The Onion was found dead in near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is still being investigated. The body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found in an abandoned house with a typewriter on his lap and an empty bottle of Jack.

Police are not saying if the 25 page document discovered in the immediate vicinity was a suicide note, but they are calling the death “suspicious”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Strange People12 Comments

ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF

ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF

Tel Aviv, Israel – Possibly fearing career backlash over her eight year stint as official ambassador for international human rights organization OXFAM, Scarlett Johansson has decided to join the Israel Defense Forces (IDF).

“I am very happy to be part of the IDF and will work very hard to turn back the tide of anti-Semitic Jew hate typified by organizations like OXFAM. Mazel Tov!” said Johansson. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip0 Comments

Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead

Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead

THOUSANDS of social media users were shocked to learn that ‘music legends’ such as Michael Jackson and Whitney Huston are still dead.

The distressing news came throughout the months following the announcement of the pop idols’ deaths.

Mourners took to Twitter and Facebook to share their utter disbelief and heartache over deceased celebrities that they had never met.

One tweet from @lucy_carr5 said: “Literally crying my eyes out listening to ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’. RIP Whitney, heaven has gained another star.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Music3 Comments

George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

Alamo, TX – Boxing promoter Damon Feldman announced today he has inked a deal for cult neighborhood watch leader George Zimmerman to fight black dwarf actor Tony Cox in a celebrity boxing match to be held in Selma, Alabama on March 1st.

Cox is best known for his roles in Bad Santa and Date Movie as well as playing an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Events0 Comments

Grammy Committee To Require Black Face

Grammy Committee To Require Black Face

Los Angeles, CA – In response to criticism over white artists Macklemore and Lewis winning several rap categories at this weeks Grammy Awards, the Grammy Committee has voted to require white artists winning in traditional black categories such as Rap, R&B and Reggae to wear black face and use the word “mammy” at least 3 times during their acceptance speech.

“The Grammys are sensitive to charges of white privilege in our selection process and believe these changes will go a long way to addressing those issues” said Grammy spokesperson Don White.

RIGHT: Julianna Hough, seen here at her CD Release party, is hoping to get in on the new trend. (CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

In addition, the Grammys will require non white winners in Country Music categories to wear overalls and black out half their visible teeth and non Hispanic winners in Latin categories to wear a sombrero and serve tacos at after parties.

(photo note…Al Jolson?)

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Posted in Entertainment, Music1 Comment

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