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Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out

Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out

Fox News contributor Judge Andrew Napolitano appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart this week to strut his contrarian cred and ruffle some feathers. Problem is, he was just… plain… wrong.

It was great of him to appear on The Daily Show. It really humanized him in ways painfully few of the one-dimensional Fox News caricatures ever bother to. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics2 Comments

Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’

Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’

My, oh my, have times changed. Just a scant three years ago, Miley Cyrus quit the Disney Channel, and her role as Hannah Montana, to become America’s most-watched sex kitten. Talk about your quick-change artists.

We thought it would be fun to look back at some of Miley’s quotes, many made during her Hannah Montana years, and update them to give you a peep show of what the all-grown-up child star is up to these days.

MC Then: My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip4 Comments

Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63

Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63

Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month.

No cause of death was given until an autopsy can be performed, but Racer was known to have had issues with drugs and alcohol for many years.

“I wish I had known Speed was so depressed, because I might have been able to save him,” said Trixie before quickly adding, “not that I would have!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip2 Comments

Miley Proposes Soap as Weapon of Mass Destruction

Miley Proposes Soap as Weapon of Mass Destruction

Los Angeles, California – Since her celebrated beginnings in Nashville, Tennessee, as the daughter of country singer, Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley Cyrus has experienced a radiant career that has taken her from the Disney Channel to the big stage at MTV’s Video Music Awards to her current role as an outside consultant for the United States Army.

“I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she decides to run for President one day,” proclaimed Sergeant Dennis Hoppler, who has followed Miley’s career from the beginning when she portrayed a Girl Scout cookie seller in the film, Little Bitches, starring Mickey Rourke and Madonna. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip1 Comment

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Well, it’s been a crazy month, and traffic has been higher than it has in at least a year, so here are the winners… and yes, there are some surprises in the mix.

The first surprise is that reigning champ, P. Beckert, opted out of the contest for February, leaving her very well read shoes to be filled and rewarded to other writers… Sure, those metaphors are overly mixed, but it doesn’t change the facts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-cnn

Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-glossy

Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?

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Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments Off on CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

2014 “Oscar Oscars” Awarded to Oscar Oscars

2014 “Oscar Oscars” Awarded to Oscar Oscars

The Academy of Motion Picture Tarts and Minuses has announced it’s post Oscar Oscars for 2014.

And the Oscar Oscars go to…

Best Female Performance In A Reprise Role – Jennifer Lawrence for strategically tripping in front of hundreds of media cameras as she exited her Red Carpet limo.

Best Male Performance In An Audition Disguised As An Award Presentation – Vinnie Barberino casting for “Lego 2”.

Best Female Performance in an Audition Disguised as an Award Presentation – Kim Novak casting for “Catwoman – The Dim Twilight Years”.

Worst Execution of a Wardrobe Malfunction and Nipple Slip – Liza Minnelli because what has been seen cannot be unseen. For God’s sake woman, no one needed that. Not even Buster.

Best Acceptance Speech – Lupita Nyongo’o because America likes Oscar speeches from their Supporting Actress winners like they prefer their espresso…short, dark and sweet.

Best Ham Handed Product Placement – Ellen DeJeneres for snapping selfies with an Academy provided Samsung Galaxy then running backstage to Tweet on her IPhone 4.

Best Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for implying Jesus cares who wins Best Lead Actor 2014.

Best Joke That Will Get Terminally Indignant Panties In A Wad – Ellen after implying Liza Minnelli was a drag queen impersonator and saying “Good job sir”.

Worst Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for saying “If God is your friend then you are your best friend”. WTF does that mean. Seriously. Bring on the snakes, at least I can see them.

Most Syrupy Acceptance Speech – Jared Leto because larding shug shug on your family for 74 seconds is commendable, but who needs diabetes.

Best Performance Eliciting Strange Audience Reactions – Pharrell Williams for getting Meryl Streep to shake her tits like a dollar pole stripper.

Best Maneuvering Around PR Minefields – Cate Blanchett for limiting feint praise on alleged serial child molester Woody Allen.

Best Performance In A Canadian-Like Demonstration Of Inferiority – Cate Blanchett for reminding us Paul Hogan also came from Australia.

Best Spike Lee Commemorative “Respect The Neighborhood Whitey” Performance – Pink. Thought she would fuck up “Over the Rainbow” but she did okay. Kudos bitch. Liza Minnelli’s mom would be proud.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment11 Comments

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

The U.S. Military, the true originator of the Internet, has had enough of the shenanigans it has become and is taking it [the internet] back.

“It was never meant to be the big circus that it is now.” stated General I. Standtall, speaking on behalf of the American Armed Services.

“It was intended as a simple means for us to communicate secretly within a military field of intelligence. Since we let it get out of our hands it has devolved into a morass of anti-intelligence.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone4 Comments

Seth Rogan Testifies Before Congress About Seth Rogan

Seth Rogan Testifies Before Congress About Seth Rogan

In a six minute address before a Senate Hearing on Alzheimer’s research funding that has gone viral on the Internet, comedian and actor Seth Rogan was successful at focusing discussion on the lack of knowledge and attention paid to Seth Rogan.

Rogan, who holds fundraisers for the Alzheimer’s Association, which took in 240 million last year but curiously spent only 14 on research grants, skillfully maneuvered the discussion away from the lack of Alzheimer’s research funding by Government and the Alzheimer’s Association and onto why members of Congress have not seen his movie “Knocked Up”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics7 Comments

Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce

Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce

Back in 1982 a little ditty about Jack and Diane went viral making them household names and catapulting them into music immortality. Symbolizing small town kids living the American Dream of the late 20th century, the years have not been kind to the couple, who recently announced their plans to divorce.

Growing up in the Bible Belt and lacking even the most basic of sex education, the couple confessed to believing the rhythm method involved “just doing it real slow.”

Now 10 children, 14 grandchildren and one great grandchild later, they have decided to call it quits and separately do as they please. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music5 Comments

Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama

Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama

Seychelles police have confirmed three deceased Ethiopian pirates were found along with two retired Navy Seal security personnel discovered dead on the Maersk Alabama this last weekend.

The three pirates carried Ethiopian passports and appeared to be dressed as Captian Jack Sparrow, Captain Hook and Lemur King “Julien” from the 2005 animated film “Madagascar”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Talky Pictures1 Comment

The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer; a Review of Sorts

The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer; a Review of Sorts

Ok, so I’m taking my husband to work. On the radio is some guy telling me how I can improve my life through my thoughts. How I can make my intentions come true if I only change my thinking from negative to positive basically. I realize it’s Wayne Dyer discussing his book “The Power of Intention.”

I’m hooked, so I listen after I drop the husband off. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc0 Comments

FOX Television Found To Be Riddled With Subversives

FOX Television Found To Be Riddled With Subversives

The conservative news agency FOX News has been found to be riddled with subversives, anarchic souls whose unwholesome lifestyles do not conform to FOX’s strict right leaning policies.

Even more surprising, some of these cancerous maladies that weaken the proud morality this nation is based upon have apparently been operating within FOX’s orbit for decades. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television4 Comments

An Open Letter To  GN And Contributors

An Open Letter To GN And Contributors

Risking open rebellion from artists and maybe the admin, I’d like to make a suggestion.

This site needs a writers forum where contributors can discuss submitted articles and make suggestions to improve our skills.

I’m not a polished writer and I know many experienced satirists might be able to help me to improve my craft and product. I would be immeasurably grateful if the admin created a writers only section where I, and everyone else, could benefit from the collective knowledge and wisdom of others.

Just sayin’…

EDITOR’S NOTE: This feature already exists, but it was mothballed years ago due to inactivity. If there’s a desire by the author’s to re-instate it, share your thoughts in the comments below and and I’ll get it worked back into the system.

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes8 Comments

Writer Fired for Printing Mangelina Jolie Hung by Brad Pitt’s Hair

Writer Fired for Printing Mangelina Jolie Hung by Brad Pitt’s Hair

Los Angeles, California – Former feature writer, Larry McSwag, of the newspaper known as the Los Mangeles Times was fired Monday for writing then printing an article that misspelled the name of celebrated actress, Angelina Jolie, referring to her as “Mangelina Jolie.”

“Had it been anyone else, people wouldn’t give a damn,” said the paper’s editor, Ty Clemynuts, who was superimposing a head shot of Justin Bieber on the body of Miley Cyrus at the time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip0 Comments

Glossy News Authors: Are You Unable to Login?

I was emailed by three authors having trouble logging in due to our overly aggressive Spam filter. Are you able to login? Shoot me an email either way, if you have a minute.

I’ve tweaked the settings to hopefully resolve the issue, but I have no way of knowing from my end without authors letting me know.

Use the CONTACT page or my direct email (you probably have it.)

Sorry for the issue and thanks for your patience.

–Brian

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Posted in Internets Tubes3 Comments

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