Author: Jason Velez
Japan to Stop Using Nuclear Power, Get Giant Monster Insurance
TOKYO- The Prime Minister of Japan, Yoshihiko Noda, announced that his country will be discontinuing the use of nuclear energy and will also be shopping for giant monster insurance policies. The decision was widely expected after the disastrous earthquake that…
Romney and Ryan to Clean Up Streets in New ABC Drama
LOS ANGELES- After recent reports have surfaced over the lack of news coverage given to Mitt Romney, the Romney/Ryan campaign sought to tackle the issue through a different approach. Romney campaign manager Matt Rhodes tells US Weekly that “It’s no…
iPhone 5 Replaces All of Your Personal Relationships
SAN FRANCISCO- In a groundbreaking statement issued to press, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the new iPhone will “replace all of your loved ones and cherished relationships.” The phone and features were announced earlier this week, already prompting some…
Topless Pictures of Kate Middleton Leave Observers Saying “Meh”
LONDON- A French tabloid is under scrutiny for publishing pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge topless. While Americans and the rest of the world fell in love with Kate when she was getting married, the recent photos have swayed public…
Occupy Living Room Protests Still Fighting On
SACRAMENTO- After federal indictments and search warrants have been issued to Occupy Wall Street protest leaders, the Occupy Living Room protests have been continually pressing on, despite harsh criticisms. Although the Occupy Wall Street has lost momentum since last year,…
Roving Bands of Children Rule Chicago
CHICAGO- While the teachers strike is in full swing, the closing of public schools has allowed roving bands of children to compete for supremacy on Chicago’s streets. While reports are unclear which group has gained the most territory, it is…
Curiosity Kills Monkey, Not Just Cats
Oprah Commands Minions to Simultaneously Cycle
Striking Teachers Demand Smarter Students
New Lakers Stars Learn How to Pass the Ball to Kobe
Los Angeles, California- As the Olympic hype dies down and the Lakers’ newest acquisitions begin training for the upcoming season, all players seem to be eager to learn how to pass the ball to Kobe. The two biggest new comers…