Trump Translation Guide

Over the first two years of Donald Trump’s presidency, he has made countless incredible statements and many bold claims about how great he is, how horrible his detractors are, and all the historic achievements he has made, which, according to him, no other president has accomplished.

According to the Washington Post’s Fact Checker database, in his first two years of office, Trump has made over 6,400 false or misleading claims.

Every day he makes another outrageous pronouncement. It has gotten to the point where it can be extremely hard to know if even he believes the things that he says. So, as a public service, Glossy News has created a Trump Translation Guide to help people understand what our president is REALLY trying to say.

Below is a small sampling of some of President Trump’s recent statements and our best guestimate of what he actually means. We apologize for any correct spellings which may appear to contradict the President’s preferred misspelling.

TRUMP EXPRESSION TRANSLATION
“No collusion” “Collusion”
“Fake news” “Fact-based objective reporting”
“Failing New York Times” “Winner of 125 Pulitzer Prizes”
“People are saying” “I’m the only one saying this”
“Lots of people are saying” “Virtually everyone is saying the complete opposite”
“Leaker” “Whistleblower”
“Dirty lying leaker” “Patriot”
“Hoax” “Unfortunately, not a hoax”
“Witch hunt” “Federal law enforcement effort to reveal gravest political corruption and threat to national security in U.S. history”
“I didn’t know anything about him doing that.” “I specifically told him to do that.”
“He only worked for me for a very short time.” “He has a lot of damaging information about me.”
“He’s been treated terribly by the FBI. He’s very brave, and I have tremendous respect for him.” “I hope he won’t flip on me.”

 

“I’ve never heard such an insulting question.” “Yes, I did do that.”
“I have no business dealings with Russia.” “Russian oligarchs have done money laundering through my properties since the 1980s.”
“No President has ever been tougher on Russia than I have.” “I made Putin say ‘please’ before I agreed to pull all our troops out of Syria.”
“My father gave me a loan of a million dollars.” “My father gave me hundreds of millions of dollars in an illegal tax-evasion scheme.”
“I know how to build things. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.” “I know how to create fraudulent businesses, strip their assets and then declare bankruptcy. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.”
“I know more than the generals do.” “…if the question is, how do you accidentally start a nuclear war.”
“I have hand-picked an outstanding team [Mattis, Tillerson, McMaster, Sessions, Omarosa…].” “On second thought, they’re all losers.”
“I will drain the swamp.” “I will fill the swamp even deeper.”
“The best people” “Unqualified, incapable and corrupt people”
“Good people” “White supremacists”
“A good boy” “My inept and unscrupulous son”
“Murderers, rapists, drug dealers and other really bad hombres” “Terrified refugees, mostly families, fleeing from violence, poverty and hunger”
“Mexico will pay for it.” “American taxpayers will pay for it.”
“North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat.” “North Korea is continuing to build up its nuclear arsenal unimpeded.”
“I am the most presidential person ever to sit in the Oval Office.” “I will go on a Tweet storm at 6am from the toilet anytime someone says anything mean about me.”
“As for the Prince, maybe he did it, maybe he didn’t. Nobody knows. He says he didn’t.” “He did it.”
“It was a very productive meeting.” “I talked non-stop for 45 minutes without anyone daring to interrupt me and then got up and left.”
“I’m, like, an incredibly smart person.” “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“I’m a technology expert.” “I know how to use the button on my desk to order a Coke.”
“Only I can solve it.” “I’ll have Jared take care of it.”
“I am the greatest president in history – okay maybe second after Lincoln.” “Lincoln is the only other president whose name I can remember.”
“I am the least racist person you’ll ever meet.” “So long as you’re white, that is.”

 

“We have defeated ISIS.” “…if you don’t count the few thousand remaining members of ISIS who are still killing our troops.”
“I will proudly own the government shutdown. I won’t blame the Democrats.” “It’s totally the Democrats’ fault.”
“We’ve got the strongest economy in history right now.” “Thanks, Obama.”

 

“Believe me.” “Only an idiot would believe me.”

Author: Tim Jones

Tim Jones is a free lance humor writer based in Seattle, Washington and author of the humor blog View from the Bleachers . net. Tim is not afraid to tackle controversial issues head on. From Politics to Parenting to Pop culture, if the subject begins with the letter P, Tim has something profound(ly meaningless) to say about it.

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