Author: Steve Fisher
New Course Offerings for the Idiot Generation
HIS1995 – Life Before the Internet This history course covers the dark period of mankind’s existence during the late 20th century, prior to the development of the World Wide Web. Students will learn about the primitive techniques utilized by early…
Unemployed Former Aerospace Engineer Says: “Stop calling me that”
CAPE CANAVERAL – Identifying labels apparently matter, at least to unemployed former aerospace engineer Fred Hackford, who is among the thousands of NASA workers being laid off by the space agency following its retirement of the space shuttle and its…
American Expatriates At a Loss What to Threaten To Do If Romney Is Elected
PRAGUE – As the 2012 U.S. presidential election approaches, the possibility of a win by Republican Mitt Romney is a cause for fear and concern among many liberal Americans across the country. Among those most worried, however, are U.S. citizens…
150,000 Feared Dead Following Typical Day
EARTH – An estimated 150,000 people are presumed to have died yesterday in the wake of what experts described as “a fairly typical day” on the planet. If confirmed, the expected number of fatalities during the latest in a string…
Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War
Pentagon worried about ability to defend nation against improbable attack by indeterminate enemy. WASHINGTON – Facing potential budget cuts of $1 trillion over ten years as a result of the U.S. Congress’s failure to agree on a deficit reduction plan,…
YouTube Sensation Checks Into Rehab… Meow
Celebrity seeks help after trashing hotel room in catnip-fueled rampage LOS ANGELES – The pressures of fame appear to have claimed yet another celebrity victim today, as one of the Internet’s most beloved stars checked in for treatment at Hollywood’s…
U.S. Raises Gaffe Threat Level to Orange, As Romney Returns From Abroad
WASHINGTON – The U.S. Federal Election Commission today warned Americans of what it termed “an increased possibility of a major verbal gaffe taking place on U.S. soil within the coming days.” The F.E.C. issued its warning after its analysts detected…
Historic Accord Reached in Siblings’ Bitter Territorial Dispute
In major concessions by both sides, boy agrees to stop touching sister’s stuff in exchange for her ceasing to refer to him as “Snot Face.” SPOKANE, WA – Negotiators are expressing hopes for a new era of reconciliation and peaceful…
Obama Apologizes For Time It’s Taken To Clean Up Bush’s Mess
President blames himself for underestimating extent to which his Republican predecessor managed to f*ck everything up. WASHINGTON – In a conciliatory address to the nation today, President Obama apologized for the amount of time it has taken for him to…
ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy
COLUMBUS, OH – As plastic and electronic methods continue to replace cash as consumers’ preferred means of payment, fears about the long-term impact of this trend are running high among a key segment of the nation’s banking workforce, specifically its…