Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics

GlossyNews.com – CLEVELAND – A new Gallup poll released today finds that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney continues to trail President Obama in popularity among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, people with cell phones, people aware of the internet, and voters under the age of 30.

However, the poll also found that Mr. Romney has managed to gain strong support among a key demographic here in the battleground state of Ohio: voters with multiple personality disorder (MPD).

According to the poll, 89% of likely voters afflicted with MPD now favor Mr. Romney versus 11% for President Obama.

Dr. Vernon Gillcrest, Chief of Psychiatry at Cleveland’s Marymount Hospital, speculated that Mr. Romney’s appeal to those with MPD could be based on the candidate’s ability to seemingly represent all sides of an issue at the same time. The Schrödinger’s candidate.

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“For example,” Dr. Gillcrest explained, “one of our patients here, who sometimes refers to herself as Audrey and at other times as Susan or Robert, was terribly conflicted with regard to the government bailout of the auto industry. The part of her that is Audrey felt that the government should not be involved, but her Susan persona felt that it should. Robert had no opinion.”

“Naturally, she appreciated the fact that Governor Romney had the exact same opinion,” said Dr. Gillcrest. “She feels she can trust him no matter which of her dissociative identities is inhabiting her mind at any given time.”

Jeff Purdow, a 37-year-old MPD sufferer, said he liked Mr. Romney’s stand on women’s reproductive rights. “I’m definitely pro-choice,” said Mr. Purdow, “and I was glad when Governor Romney said that he wasn’t planning on initiating any legislation aimed at limiting a woman’s right to choose.”

Mr. Purdow then shifted in his chair and began speaking in a different voice, saying, “And I can’t wait until he’s elected and able to de-fund Planned Parenthood and appoint new justices to the Supreme Court who will vote to overturn Roe vs. Wade,” adding, “They’ll pay. They’ll all pay.”

“Abortion is murder,” Mr. Purdow said. “That’s why I’m voting for Mr. Romney.”

Shifting voices yet again, he added, “And then I’m going to kill him. Slowly.”

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