“I think my biggest concern obviously would just be for his mental well-being.”
– Ann Romney on her concerns about her husband becoming President of the U.S.
My fellow Americans.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hee, hee, hee, ha, ha, heh, heh.
Wait. Give me a minute. I can’t breathe.
My fellow Americans, as I stand here before you today, there is just one thought going through my mind, and it is simply that I cannot believe that I am standing here before you today.
Really. I mean, how could this possibly have happened? I thought that I did everything humanly possible to lose this election, from choosing a fanatical right-wing running mate to calling half the nation a bunch of deadbeats, and yet I still somehow managed to win?
Come on. This has got to be a joke, right? Chief Justice Roberts, is that even really you? Aren’t you just Ashton Kutcher wearing some terrific makeup, and any minute you’re going to pull of that fake nose and tell me I’m being punk’d?
Ann, darling, you set this whole thing up, didn’t you? Come on up here and take the microphone and tell everybody this is all just a terrific gag, and then bring out my birthday cake and yell, “Surprise!”
Why are you looking at me like that, honey bunny? Is my hair out of place? Do I have a stain on my tie?
And why is everyone else staring at me, and who are all these people? Didn’t they get the memo that they’re fired? Hey, this factory is closed! No hay trabajo! Comprende? Vacate the premises immediately or I’ll have to call security.
I’m so thirsty. Waiter! Bring me some water! Yes, you, the black fellow sitting there. Of course I’m talking to you. Why else would they have let you up here on the podium so close to me? Oh, what, are you not the drinks servant? Fine, then let the maid sitting next to you fetch me some water. What’s your name, Missy? Michelle? Okay, Michelle, just be sure to wear your name tag next time so I don’t have to ask.
I can’t believe the size of this fundraiser. What a turnout! And all of you paid $50,000 a piece just to stand out here in the freezing cold and listen to me speak? Okay, well then, I’d better give you the kind of Republican crowd pleasers you paid all that money to hear.
Poor people suck! Heh, heh, heh. I mean, literally, they suck the government’s teat! Heh, heh, heh. And gay people suck, too. Right? Like, literally literally! Heh, heh, heh. Poor gay black people. That’s hilarious just to think about. Heh, heh, heh.
Everybody! Oh, beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of…
Hey, what’s going on? Let me go! Who are you people? Are you on my payroll? The Secret Service? Am I in danger? Save me! Paul! If I die, it’s up to you, buddy. Keep believing in America. It’s real, I tell you! Ann, follow me in the caddy.
Look! An empty chair! Why, it’s former President Obama! Hello, Mr. President. What? What do you want me to do to myself? Gee, I think I may already have done that just by beating you. And maybe you should thank me. I’ve heard this job can take a toll on you.
Okay, boys, take me away. Gently, though, please. I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers.