By President Barack Obama
My fellow Americans,
Next Tuesday, November 6, is Election Day, and this year your vote is more important than ever before. That’s because in this election you have a choice between two very different visions for America.
One of those visions believes that ours is a country where everyone should have a fair shot at success and where everyone should pay their fair share of taxes.
It’s a vision in which the playing field is level and we all play by the same rules. And it’s a vision in which we all work together and support each other to achieve the greatness as a society that no single one of us can achieve alone.
The other vision is one in which I no longer have to spend the next four years dealing with those insufferable Republican nutcases in the House of Representatives, wasting my time drafting proposals for legislation to try to improve the U.S. economy only to have them rejected out of hand by the Congress, and constantly worrying about the threat of a terrorist attack on the country or about yet another natural disaster caused by global warming.
Yes, that first vision is great, but after a lot of thought, I’m going to go with the second one. That’s why today I’m asking for your vote for Mitt Romney for President of the United States.
Of course it’s been a privilege having the chance to serve as your president for these past four years – if by “privilege” you mean having to constantly suck up to rich campaign contributors, take positions on issues like gun control or federal detention of prisoners than run counter to my principles, and live in constant fear of assassination by some racist or right-wing wacko.
And I’ve certainly enjoyed keeping America safe, rescuing the economy from the brink of collapse, saving the auto industry, reforming health care, strengthening regulation of the financial sector, helping to create millions of jobs, and guiding the country out of the greatest economic recession since the Great Depression – only to be accused by Fox News of being “the worst president in the history of the country.”
But you know what? I’m good. Really. That’s enough for me.
The fact is, I honestly do not need to spend the next four years banging my head against the wall trying to raise taxes on the wealthy just back to the level where they used to be before everything went to hell. And I certainly don’t need to be blamed when the Republicans keep refusing to do that and we end up even further in debt than we already are as a result.
No, instead I’m starting to think that maybe what this country really needs is a little “Mitt-storm.” Oh, it might be painful, but sometimes folks don’t look for a cure for what ails them until it really hurts. Hey, look what happened after eight years of Bush! This country elected a black president and a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress! Imagine what could happen after four years of Romney, Ryan, Boehner and Cantor. People won’t be asking for their birth certificates. They’ll be demanding their death certificates.
You might have noticed my new perspective at the first debate in Denver last month. Folks said I looked like I didn’t want to be there, that I didn’t really care about debating Mr. Romney. And you know what? They were right. Chris Matthews on MSNBC screamed, “Where was Obama tonight?” I’ll tell you where I was. I was lying on the beach in Hawaii, sipping on a Mai Tai, dictating my memoir, and taking a break from my lecture tour that earns me a year’s presidential salary for a single 30-minute speech. It was lovely.
Yes, I did somewhat better in the second and third debates. I figured I owed it to all the folks who worked for and supported my campaign. I just hope I didn’t do too well. Damn that Romney and his gaffe about Benghazi! I tried to tell him, “Please proceed, Governor,” but the idiot just wouldn’t listen to me.
Anyway, please, please vote for Mitt Romney, and let’s keep moving this country forward by first taking two steps backward.
I’m Barack Obama, and I approved this message because I just can’t keep up this charade any longer… and I really need a cigarette.