Author: Rusty Shackleford
Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture
SAINT PAUL, MN—Speaking before a mesmerized audience at Hamline University Thursday, Professor Malcolm Forsythe floored the crowd with his complete and utter lack of knowledge regarding even the vaguest details of anything going on in recent pop culture. Stunned students…
Parents Nationwide Update Children on Latest Things to Worry About
ACROSS THE NATION—Upon arriving at their parents’ house, sources confirmed they were greeted by their mother with the words, “Glad to see you made it. We’re always hearing about vehicle recalls on the news and you never know what might…
Guy Wearing Funny T-Shirt Must be Funny
SPOKANE, WA—Upon seeing local vending machine assembler Paul Drummond walking down the sidewalk Tuesday, onlookers concluded that Drummond was funny based on the fact that he was wearing a humorous t-shirt. “Why else would he be wearing a shirt like…
Dad Waits for Break in Dialogue to Repeat Line
FORT WORTH, TX—While watching an action adventure film with his family Sunday evening, local father Lou Burkley waited briefly for the film’s dialogue to subside, giving him the window of opportunity to say out loud a line he deemed worthy…
Study: Looking at Spider Images Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Spider Encounter
ATLANTA, GA—Researchers at Georgia State University have found conclusive evidence that each time an individual looks at any image depicting a spider, the odds of one being nearby and currently approaching them “just skyrocket.”
Subspecies’ Ears Slowly Forming into Mouths
WASHINGTON—Scientists announced Monday that the subspecies rabia hospes interruptus is projected to undergo radical physical changes in response to their environment and need for survival. “Basically, to continue their way of life, these creatures are forced to protect themselves from…
Man Flicking Hair off Kindle Screen Plunges Self Right into IMDb Spoilers Section
BOISE, ID—While browsing the Internet Movie Database on his Kindle Saturday evening, transit vehicle inspector Ted Coakley reportedly set out to remove a hair from the screen of the device by flicking it, causing him to plummet well into the…
Nation’s Evil Clowns Rally Against Murderous Stereotype
ANN ARBOR, MI—In response to recent stirs caused by the “Northampton Clown,” several members of the group Sensible Tricksters Against Bias gathered in the parking lot of an Ann Arbor area Home Depot to promote awareness that not all evil…
Study Confirms Every Slight Embarrassment from Middle School to Haunt You on Your Deathbed
COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a recent study from the University of Maryland, an overwhelming majority of patients on their deathbed were consumed by every single slightly embarrassing or awkward moment from their middle school years. Highly distraught over each and…