Extreme Sportsman Completes Successful Base-jump, Funeral to be Held Friday

LODI, CALIF – While base-jumping last week in a northern California ravine, Extreme Sportsman Felix Grainger’s parachute reportedly malfunctioned, sending the 28-year-old’s body crashing to the earth at an incredible rate of speed, whereupon he arrived at a gruesome, untimely death in what experts are calling “an entirely successful base-jump.”

According to friend and fellow adrenaline junky Brad Stenovich, “He nailed it!”

RIGHT: Grainger’s friends told the press that “nothing about Felix ever came across as ‘strange’ in our opinion,” just before they jumped off this cliff in his memory. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“It was the perfect jump from start to finish,” Stenovich elaborated. “He started with a gainer off the ledge, then he got some tasty free-fall time, and finally, he ended it with a gnarly suicide. It’s what every base-jumper dreams of.”

“Obviously,” said Stenovich when asked if he, too, longs for the sweet release known as death. “I mean, why the fuck else would someone jump off a cliff?”

At press time, Grainger’s parents confirmed that a private funeral will be held on Friday at Redwood Park Cemetery for relatives and close, mentally-unstable friends of their equally-bipolar son.

Author: Reidicule

If you enjoyed this article, well, there's probably something deeply wrong with you. Fortunately, I'm neither your psychiatrist nor your sponsor. I'm an enabler, and I've got more of that sweet, sweet satire on my website, Reidicule News. Go ahead. Click it and get your fix. I won't judge.

4 thoughts on “Extreme Sportsman Completes Successful Base-jump, Funeral to be Held Friday

  1. That’s crass, offensive, disrespectful to those who have lost loved ones in extreme sports, and frankly pretty damn funny.

    In short, screw off you magnificently clever bastard!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? USE THIS COMMENTS SECTION TO PUT THE WORLD TO RIGHTS...