WASHINGTON — In a decisive move, federal lawmakers are expected to push a bill through both houses that would repeal every gun control law that ever existed in the U.S. dating back to the Articles of Confederation.
According to sources on Capitol Hill, this new legislation comes on the heels of an NRA-funded campaign to bombard congressional Email accounts relentlessly with pro- 2nd amendment memes.
RIGHT: Satan. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) said “I’m not sure exactly how passing a few common sense safeguards equivocates to sending troops to each of the 125,000,000 occupied households in the United States to search each of the 311,591,917 individual persons for guns, but Goddamn if those memes weren’t convincing… and clever, too!”
Speaker Boehner then began to weep uncontrollably for no known reason.
Glossy News also reached out to Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) who clarified the Speaker’s point, saying “We conducted a full-scale investigation and research effort into these memes and the results were clear. Criminals aren’t going to follow gun laws, so why have them?”
Senator Rubio went on, pointing out “We’re also taking a look at rape laws. It was brought to our attention that criminals tend not to follow those rules either so, clearly, what’s the point in having them? More than likely, all this pansy-ass rape legislation will be repealed by the end of the week. And we’re expecting the laws on drinking and driving to be lifted by next March, just in time for St. Patrick’s Day.”
NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre, in a show of support for the legislators who are in turn supporting him, agreed with Rubio’s stance on rape laws and other nonsensical, Liberally-biased legislation, saying “You know who else had rape laws? The Nazis.”
“Look,” continued LaPierre, “you have to consider the facts. They tried these rape– I mean, “anti-passion” laws in Connecticut. Did it stop that lunatic from shooting up a bunch of innocent school children? NO! NO! IT DIDN’T!”
At press time, it was reported that some ignorant hillbilly in his parents’ basement was meticulously working around the clock to create a new meme featuring a picture of Willy Wonka looking snidely into the camera with photoshopped words that say “Quit Raping My Freedem, Bro!” with “Freedom” clearly misspelled.