Author: Phil Maggitti
RIAA Wants Record Labels to Limit Home CD Use
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has fingered consumers who play CDs repeatedly as “the single greatest threat” to recording industry profits. The industry watchdog group is suggesting, therefore, that record labels take steps to limit…
Singles Kicked Off BeautifulPeople.com Launch PrettyFaces.com
BOSTON, Mass. – Singles who were kicked off the elite dating site BeautifulPeople.com, the self-proclaimed “sexiest website in the world,” are not taking their dismissal lying down. Many of the 5,000 people who were ruled off the site for porking…
Horoscopes by Catman, Dude
Otherwise rational people often underestimate the power that certain gemstones, colors, and musical notes exert on their lives, especially the parts that haven’t occurred yet. Catman, Dude has addressed this problem in the past by plugging people into the associations…
Zamfir Cell Phone Virus Threatens United States
Zamfir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl…
NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms
The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room on Christmas Eve. Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton,…
Yin and Yang To Divorce, Cite Irreconcilable Differences
Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split. “It happens,” said the dark-haired Ms. Yin. “After thousands of years couples just grow apart….
Prostate Cancer Seen As Major Cause of Prostate Cancer Deaths
A major study conducted at the London Institute for Prostate Cancer has determined that men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer are nearly twenty-five times as likely to die from the disease as men who are prostate-cancer free. This conclusion…
Obama Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions
President Barack Obama announced yesterday that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up…