NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms

The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room on Christmas Eve. Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a reserve guard, strapped up after they had argued about a gambling debt following practice, a team official said.

“You punk ass wanksta, you owe me five benjamins,” yelled Mr. Crittenton, waving a Bersa Thunder 9 Ultra Compact. “I smoked your sorry ass in a game of H-O-R-S-E, and you know it.”

“What tha dilly yo?” shouted Mr. Arenas, brandishing a Glock 26 Sebastian Telfair Signature model. “I schooled you, sucka. You don’t stop frontin’,  Ima bust a cap in your gay ass.”

Although the locker room was crowded, no team member was able to recall what happened next—or what had happened before. Even Mr. Arenas, when asked if anything had transpired between him and Mr. Crittenton, replied, “I don’t know.”

Thus the NBA decided to act unilaterally to prevent future armed confrontations.

“We are aware that players and referees like to gamble,” said Tim Frank, the NBA’s vice president for basketball communications, “and we also know that three out of four NBA players are armed on any given day. That’s why we have ordered sixty-six full-body scanners of the sort already being deployed in some airports.”

Mr. Frank said the league expects to “field test” the new scanners at the NBA all-star game, Sunday February 14 at the Dallas Cowboys new stadium in Arlington, Texas.

“Everybody’s packin’ for the all-star game,” said Mr. Frank. “You wouldn’t believe the firepower. Makes Delonte West look like he was traveling light when he got busted with that Uzi last summer.”

For their part, several NBA players have expressed reservations about the scanners. “The things can see right through your clothes and make you look naked,” said Philadelphia 76ers center Samuel Dalembert. “That’s an invasion of my first amendment rights.”

In related news, Wizards officials said there is no truth to stories that the team is considering changing its name back to the Washington Bullets.

Author: Phil Maggitti

Phil Maggitti is a freelance writer and editor living in a world of virtual reality with his wife, two pug dogs, a Boston terrier, four cats, and a constant supply of gummy worms. His virtual address is

1 thought on “NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms

  1. It’s nice to see Gilbert Arenas called out by name, since he so obviously needs to be treated like an irresponsible child. Of course he had his gun in his locker. Soon they’ll all have to wear holsters to the games. You might never get to ‘foul out’ if someone makes cherry pie of your brains on the stadium wall in the first half. Men will be boys.

    ~Rev Mike

Comments are closed.