Singles Kicked Off Launch

BOSTON, Mass. – Singles who were kicked off the elite dating site, the self-proclaimed “sexiest website in the world,” are not taking their dismissal lying down. Many of the 5,000 people who were ruled off the site for porking up over the holidays are launching a new dating site called

“I was like, ‘Wow,’ when I got expelled from,” said glamrgurl245 (not her real name). “I mean, like, I might have put on two or three pounds over the holidays, but what’s the big deal? It’s not like I went from a size 0 to a size 2 or something.”

After Facebooking with several other “fatties” who had been off-loaded from, Ms. Gurl decided to launch The name, she said, is ironic.

“You know how people are always saying stuff like ‘such a pretty face’ when they see somebody fat like Jessica Simpson or Miley Cyrus? That’s where I got the name for

The purge occurred after a number of members had complained that other members had let down the site by gaining weight over the holidays. This led site founder, Robert Hintze, to do some housecleaning.

“Letting fatties roam the site like a herd of wildebeests is a direct threat to our business model and to the very concept on which was founded,” Mr. Hintze declared.

Although will have a “more inclusive, user-friendly” admission policy than, the site will still be “selective,” said Ms. Gurl.

“We’re not, like, going to let everybody in, even size 10s. If we start doing that, we’re, like, just another eHarmony.”

In related news, according to a spokesperson for, the majority of people banned for being overweight park their salt licks in the United States, (1,520), the U.K. (832), and Canada (533).

Author: Phil Maggitti

Phil Maggitti is a freelance writer and editor living in a world of virtual reality with his wife, two pug dogs, a Boston terrier, four cats, and a constant supply of gummy worms. His virtual address is