Author: NickFun
Fat People Live Longer, Healthier Lives, According to New Research
It’s finally time to get off the treadmill and stuff down some pork sausage as researchers have determined that people who have at least 30% body fat live longer, healthier lives than their active, slim counterparts.
Boehner and Obama Vow to Fall Off Fiscal Cliff Together
As fiscal cliff negotiations stalled, Republican House Speaker John Boehner and Democratic President Barack Obama romantically declared that they would tumble over the fiscal cliff together “arm in arm”. “I truly love that man”, Boehner said in reference to Obama….
Supreme Court Nullifies First Amendment
The United States Supreme Court unanimously declared today that the First Amendment to the Bill of Rights is to be nullified as it no longer has any meaning in today’s society. The First Amendment reads: “Congress shall make no law…
Mitt Romney Places Personal Ad in Wall Street Journal for ‘Friend’
Former GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney took out a classified ad today in the Wall Street Journal seeking a new friend to “pal around with.” “I have everything money can buy,” Romney said in an interview, “but I have never…
Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture. “The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his…
Researchers Find Link Between Childhood Obesity; Calories
Obesity researchers at John Hopkins University claim they have discovered a causal link between childhood obesity and the consumption of excess calories. “We won’t know for certain until all the data is in”, said lead researcher John Pell. “But our…
Mitt Romney Admits to Masturbating
GOP Presidential candidate and devout Mormon Mitt Romney admitted today that he ‘experimented’ once with masturbation when he was in college. “It was a stupid youthful experimentation”, Romney explained. “I’m not proud of it, I didn’t ejaculate, I didn’t enjoy…
Save the Whales VS Save the Seals Turns Violent
The Save the Whales and Save the Seals organizations squared off today in a violent confrontation that threatens to destroy both organizations. Save the Seals spokesperson Sheila Gruber said the problem is, whales eat seals. By trying to save the…
Romney Sucked Out of Airplane Window
Claiming he felt ‘stuffy and cramped’ GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney smashed open a window aboard a 727 jet aircraft as the plane was flying 500 MPH at 30,000 feet and he was immediately sucked out into space. “We told…
Honey Boo Boo Plans Comeback For 2046
7-year-old Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson says she plans to burn out soon as a child star but has already planned her ‘comeback’ for the year 2046 when she is 41 years old. “Sure, I’m a fat child star now…