Author: NickFun
John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden
US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him.”
Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA
Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA. “We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of…
Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63
Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month. No cause of death was given until an autopsy…
Big Pharma Creates New Polio-Like Virus
Representatives of Big Pharma revealed today that they have created a new polio-like virus and are testing it on California schoolchildren. “We have infected about 30 California schoolchildren far”, said Big Pharma spokesperson Greg Skrewm. “We hope to have reached…
Judge Rejects 17-Year-Old Drunk Driver Affluenza Defense
A Texas judge threw out the Affluenza defense of a 16-year-old drunk driver today claiming the boy’s family did not make enough money to qualify for that defense. “I am sentencing this boy to three years in prison,” said Texas…
North Korean Crimes Against Humanity Almost as Bad as US
The United Nations declared today that atrocities committed by North Korea Security chiefs and possibly even president Kim Jong-un are so horrendous they could be compared to how the US treats prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Graib and other ‘secret’ prisons…
To Avoid Drought Disaster, California Governor Asks Residents to Pee Outside
In a desperate attempt to avoid a statewide water shortage, California governor Jerry Brown has requested that all men and women in the state pee outside in the woods, on the lawn or in a garden area. “These are desperate…
NASA: Aliens Dropped ‘Jelly Donut” Rock In Front of Mars Rover
NASA scientists have discarded all previous theories as to how a mysterious ‘jelly donut’ rock appeared beside the Mars Rover Opportunity and now say it must have been dropped there by aliens. “We have ruled out every other explanation”, said…
Miley Cyrus to Undergo Sex Change Operation
Twerking, gyrating, Wrecking Ball queen Mile Cyrus announced today that she is secretly a man and will be undergoing a sex-change operation at the end of July. “I have never felt comfortable as a woman”, Cyrus told reporters. “Guys just…
Mega Millions to Exceed $200 Billion
After many months of no winner, the Mega Millions jackpot has now soared to over $200 billion, according to Mega Millions lead director Paula Otto. “Whoever wins this jackpot will be the richest person on Earth”, Otto stated. “they will…