Under heavy pressure, mainly from the freshman Tea Party Representatives, Timothy Geithner admitted that while his August 2nd deadline for raising the debt ceiling was not arbitrary, it was hardly fiscally driven.
Geithner acknowledged that after August 2nd, his full attention would turn to preparing for the Jersey Shore Season 4 premier and did not want to have to be “doing math and nerdy shit while Pauly D crushes pussy.” Geithner, a known MTV afficionado, has spent the past 2 years developing an elaborate, 48-hour ritual to ready himself for the premier. Luckily he has given us exclusive access of his schedule to.
August 1, 2011
11:00 A.M. – Make frantic phone calls to President Obama pretending to be Putin threatening to start a nuclear war.
11:02 A.M. – After getting my Russian and Italian accent confused, I’ll confess to Obama that it’s me and stress how important raising the debt limit is.
11:05 A.M. – Continue my frantic phone calls – this time to Comcast Cable to ensure they are not anticipating any service outages for August 2nd at 10/ 9 P.M. Central.
11:07 A.M. – Get side-tracked talking to the automated calling system about how good I am at economics.
11:08 A.M. – Take an early lunch, reassure my elderly secretary that I’m sure her social security checks won’t stop tomorrow and everything will be alright.)
1:00-7:00 P.M. – Spend the remainder of the Federal Reserve accounts paying off Joe Biden’s various subscriptions to fetish porn sites and whiskey of the month clubs.
August 2, 2011
12:00 P.M. – Roll out of bed, unbothered by the worst economic disaster to face the country since the Great Depression.
12:15 P.M. – Open up a Gmail account (by now my @fed.gov is no longer operational) and send Eric Cantor an “I told you so” email.
12:45 P.M. – Separating the “lights” from the “darks” in the wash so I can have my fresh sequin, dragon print tTshirt clean for the JS premier.
1:30-3:45 P.M. – Transform my usually conservative hair cut to a blow-out and hit the tanning bed.
4:00-8:30 P.M. – Lowering my standards so that an overweight, alcoholic midget and a she-beast made entirely of silicon seems like possible material to deposit in my “spank bank,” which at this point will be the only bank with money in it that I run.
August 3, 2011
1:00 P.M. – Call my grandmother and offer to pay her social security check by withdrawing from the “spank bank” and describing what a thong looks like on the Italian-American Jabba the Hut.
2:00 P.M. – Drink fruity mixed drinks in oversized sunglasses for the next 15 hours.
August 4, 2011
9:00 P.M. – Resign my post in the Obama administration, saying “Come on bro, you still don’t even know who Snookie is, bro? What are you – some kind of bitch? Come at me bro, I’m the baddest banker in seaside, Michelle’s a Grenade, say something bro.”
9:45 P.M. – Call Tea Party Congressmen to ensure that they agreed to raising the debt ceiling.
9:55 P.M. – Hang up in the middle of “We didn’t have enough support to override them tonight, so we just voted for it, because obviously we’re not gonna risk missing Ronnie starting a fight in the first episode, bro” explanation.