Guinness’ Curse? ‘World’s Oldest Person’ Keeps Dying

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — In the wake of the recent death of Kama Chinen, a Japanese woman who was considered to be the world’s oldest living person, advocacy groups such as Alliance for Generational Equity (AGE) have called for an investigation into the string of unexplained deaths of old-age record holders.

Stella Samuelson, a spokesperson AGE, is concerned that these deaths are not mere coincidences, noting that no other record holders have fallen victim to this disturbing trend.

“You don’t see the men with the longest beard have such a high mortality rate,” said Samuelson.  “Every single member of the ‘longest bikini parade’ has had a full bill of health since taking that record last year.  It just isn’t fair.”  

AGE noted that these people are not only celebrated as the oldest people in their own country, but as in the case of Mrs. Chinen, they are the longest living people on the planet. 

Samuelson says that the world’s really-really-old people are frightened now that they see that even their most exalted and celebrated members are dropping like flies.

“They are treasures within their community and they should be protected,” said Samuelson.

AGE asks that law enforcement look into who or what might be responsible for the taking of these supercentenarian’s lives, citing that Ms Chen only held the title as world’s oldest living person for a mere eight months before she mysteriously passed away.

“Before Mrs Chinen, was Gertruid Baines of California,” explained Samuelson, “. . .and she only had the title for nine months. And before her? Mariade Jesus of Portugal who died tragically in January 2009, only holding the title for three months.”

And the list goes on.  Records show that no one holding the position of “Oldest Person Alive” has lived to enjoy all the benefits that come with the title for more than 15 months before they inexplicably die.  Some have not lasted longer than a month, as was the case of Emma Tillman who died in January of 2007 at the age of 114, just four days after taking the title from Emiliano Mercado del Toro of Puerto Rico.

“That shocked so many of us in the extra-elder community,” said Samuelson. “She didn’t even get her birthday party covered by the local news or receive her obligatory phone call from Willard Scott.”

The search is now on for the current oldest person living on Earth but it should come as no surprise that no one is coming forward to claim the position. Samuelson believes something nefarious is going on and hopes the international community will get to the bottom of it.

“I don’t blame them for staying in hiding,” said Samuelson. “Claiming this title is like signing your own death warrant.”

Author: J. Goodbody

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