Author: Benjamin Cain
Canadians Urge Ukrainians to Seek Peace through Dullness
Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
Homophobic Man Struggles with his Fear
Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function. “I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work…
Whipping Set to Replace Screeching in Olympic Curling
Dateline: Lausanne, Switzerland—After an Olympic curler died of a heart attack from haranguing her teammates as they swept the ice, the International Olympic Committee has ruled that instead of yelling so much for no good reason, curlers in the next…
Man Sues Porn Industry for Making Sex Boring
Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring. “There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those…
Mass Murderer Calls Republicans Soft on Satanic Values
Dateline: LOS ANGELES—In a documentary about the life of the infamous anarchist and sadistic mass murder, Max Truculence, Mr. Truculence criticizes American conservatives for being “soft-hearted, effeminate phonies.” He spoke from prison, since he’s currently serving a thousand year sentence…
Feudalism Reinstituted in Suckersland Where One Man Owns Everything
Dateline: Richardsville, Suckersland—Economic inequality in Suckersland has reached its ultimate end point: a single man in that nation owns absolutely everything and all of the other inhabitants are broke or in debt. Lord Richard, the man who literally has everything,…
Young Woman Miraculously Ignores her Beauty to Study Philosophy
Dateline: PITTSBURGH — Lisa Prettysweet, an achingly beautiful 26-year old, stunned her family and friends by showing the slightest interest in philosophy. Predictably, her reading of philosophy has made her more skeptical, pessimistic, and cynical and her parents are convinced…
Fashion Industry Schemes to Punish Men by Turning Women into Freaks
Dateline: LOS ANGELES — More and more consumers are aware that magazines hire Photoshop artists to doctor pictures of celebrities, as part of an elaborate ritual designed to appease the celebrities’ agents and to flatter the egocentric actresses so they’ll…
Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol
Dateline: CANNABISTOWN, PO—In Potlandia, marijuana is legal for recreational purposes and is commonly smoked by nearly all of the adult citizens of that country, while alcohol and nicotine are banned. But the alcohol and tobacco industries regard Potlandia’s laws…
Wild Animals of America Party Accuses Republicans of Thinking Too Much
Dateline: WASHINGTON—The Wild Animals of America Party began as an offshoot of the GOP, railing against big government for interfering with the divinely ordained inequalities in nature. “Let the natural struggle in the marketplace sort everything out,” said WAA’s founder…