Categorized | Politics, Sportsfolk

Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever

Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever

Denver, CO—Denver Broncos’ Quarterback, Peyton Manning, revealed to reporters this evening that he didn’t have time to visit the polls today because he was too busy faking modest responses to numerous claims that he is the greatest QB of all time.

“Pretending to be modest about being the best fucking quarterback to ever play the game is more time-consuming than you’d think,” Manning told GlossyNews in a brief interview. The certain future NFL Hall of Famer then explained, “I mean, you have to spend all that time in the mirror perfecting your ‘Aw, shucks’ shoulder shrug that you have to pull out every time a reporter basically tells you that you are an NFL God.”

After Manning led the Broncos in a stunning comeback from a 24-0 halftime deficit to defeat the Chargers 35-24, he reportedly confirmed his greatness during private conversations with close friends and family. “Yeah, I’m pretty fucking awesome,” he recently told younger brother and quarterback for the NY Giants, Eli Manning, “but you know how important it is to pretend that you are modest about how much more insanely talented you are than all those other jokers on the field.”

Peyton Manning concluded his statements to GlossyNews with, “I don’t have time to waste on waiting in line at the polls to vote in an election that won’t matter in four years anyway. Eventually, they’ll just elect another guy to do a shit job at running the country. I just hope that the guy that wins doesn’t tax the ridiculous amount of money I make every year.”

Although Eli Manning considers himself a politically active person, he too decided to skip the polls today and work on not looking so pissed by the fact that he has to work even harder now to fill the enormous shoes of his older brother.


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Ashley Watson is a professional writer and amateur stand-up comedian. In her spare time, she enjoys being stalked on Facebook, playing the role of scapegoat for friends who can't seem to see the value in hiring a decent therapist, and finally, pretending that there's someone out there for her, just waiting for that perfect moment to dispel all the myths about how shitty it is to be dating in your mid-thirties.


One Response to “Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever”

  1. In light of the upcoming football season, I thought I would re-post this article I wrote last November on election day.


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