Man Experiences Superhuman Strength And Lifts Remote

Clearwater, FL—Local Comcast technician, Mike Haynes, reportedly experienced superhuman strength after nine hours of television on Saturday.

Between the eye strain and sore arm muscles from lifting over 18 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Haynes wasn’t sure if he’d have the strength left to pick up the remote to change the channel. “I’ve heard about those people who lift cars and things in an emergency, so I figured that’s what happened to me when I saw that an educational show was coming up on channel six and I knew I had to change that channel quick,” Haynes told Channel Six News early this morning.

The forty-three-year old divorced man said that he didn’t even have time to think about how this strenuous act would affect his overweight body but that he “just did it,” as if he had suddenly “turned into Superman.”

Haynes also claims that in this “heroic” moment, he probably could have lifted anything. “I betcha I could’ve picked up that house plant over there,” he points to a wilted ficus in the corner. “I mean, who knows? Anything is possible, I guess.”

At press time, Haynes was on his sixth beer and third hour of The History Channel’s “American Pickers,” and he told reporters that despite the fact he could give a sh#t about antiques, he’d just leave it in honor of not doing jack on Labor Day.

Author: Ashley Watson

Ashley Watson is a professional writer and amateur stand-up comedian. In her spare time, she enjoys being stalked on Facebook, playing the role of scapegoat for friends who can't seem to see the value in hiring a decent therapist, and finally, pretending that there's someone out there for her, just waiting for that perfect moment to dispel all the myths about how shitty it is to be dating in your mid-thirties.

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