SARASOTA, FL – GlossyNews.com — After nearly four years of marriage, Nathan and Jennifer Reed are starting to worry that their proverbial “honeymoon” might never end, despite several attempts to take each other for granted and argue over petty differences.
While most married couples spend a mere six months ignoring faults and having way too much passionate sex, the Reeds are still spending picture-perfect Saturday afternoons without drama, or the unsettling feeling that perhaps there’s someone else out there for them.
“Most of my friends started fantasizing about other women only a year into their marriages, but after four years, I swear I just can’t do it,” says an exasperated Nathan, “It’s not like I haven’t tried to picture other women, but every time I do, I still see my beautiful wife in something from Victoria’s Secret. It’s hopeless.”
Recently, the couple began seeing a therapist who specializes in marital acrimony, or “macrimony.” Though the therapist declined to comment, her website claims that “Couples who are perfectly satisfied in their marriage need help. Even if they think they can increase their bitterness toward each other on their own, it’s not that simple. I can help you easily start arguments and disregard your partner’s feelings.”
Despite several attempts to “yell and scream” at each other, the Reeds are still struggling to feel the antagonism that leads to vehement arguing for most couples. “It’s not our therapist’s fault,” Jennifer says, “She has all these great suggestions for petty things to argue over, such as whether to use hot or cold water when running the garbage disposal. But Nathan and I both agree that cold water is the best.”
In addition to their agreeable nature and willingness to work together on just about everything, Jennifer claims that every time the couple simulates a “screaming match,” it results in playful laughter at their own inability to argue, or they become “extremely turned on.”
For many newlyweds, a decrease in sexual activity is usually the first sign that the honeymoon is over; however, the Reeds still have sex on a regular basis, sometimes twice in one day. “It’s like we can’t get enough of each other,” Jennifer sighs, “and when I tell my girlfriends how long it lasts, they either tell me I’m lying, or stop calling to ask me out for happy hour at Buffalo Wild Wings.”
Nathan’s best friend, Mark Porter, 36, says that at first, he was jealous of Nathan and Jennifer’s sustained intimacy, but now he sees that at his age, it would be difficult to “keep up,” even if he wanted to.
“I’m glad my wife doesn’t want sex as much as I did when I was in my twenties,” says Porter, “I’m not looking forward to the day when I have to start taking Viagra, so I’m just enjoying the fact that I can do it at all. Who has the time anyway?” After taking a sip of his Corona, Porter added, “Still, twice a day might be nice if I didn’t have to do any of the work.”
At their therapist’s request, Jennifer and Nathan have also tried to use financial stress to help them behave like “any normal couple” who has been together for more than a few months. “When we told her that we are in a lot of debt, she seemed relieved, as if her job was done,” Nathan says, adding, “But we know that together, we can get through anything.”
In fact, when the couple was reminded of their loyalty during hardship, they starting budgeting better and paying off credit card debt. “We’ve never been better now that we are on our way to financial freedom, all thanks to our therapist’s attempt to create friction between the two of us,” says an absolutely glowing Jennifer.
At this final blow to her process, the therapist reportedly threw up her hands and told the Reeds, “You two make me want to throw up!” She then recommended that the couple return when they are “finally ready to end this f**ing charade.”
“We aren’t sure what we are going to do now,” Nathan says, not looking worried over at Jennifer, and giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead, “but we’ll think of something.”
“I agree,” Jennifer adds before embracing her husband with unbelievable support, admiration, and respect.
Article Update: Two years after this article was written, the Reeds are still happily married with a 9-month-old baby girl who never cries or gets sick. They named her after their therapist, who told the Reeds that they need “serious help,” and refused to see them again.