Author: Ashley Watson
Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever
Denver, CO—Denver Broncos’ Quarterback, Peyton Manning, revealed to reporters this evening that he didn’t have time to visit the polls today because he was too busy faking modest responses to numerous claims that he is the greatest QB of all…
Man Experiences Superhuman Strength And Lifts Remote
Clearwater, FL—Local Comcast technician, Mike Haynes, reportedly experienced superhuman strength after nine hours of television on Saturday. Between the eye strain and sore arm muscles from lifting over 18 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Haynes wasn’t sure if he’d have…
Obama ‘Hits Up’ Powerball Winners for Money
WASHINGTON DC—In a desperate attempt to save the United States economy, President Obama approached the recent winners of the $228,900,000 Powerball Jackpot, Tom and Cathleen Morris of Burnsville, MN, and asked the married couple if he could, “Hit that sh%t…
Making of a Prose Poem: Staggeringly Blasé Reviews
A young, aimless writer. A format no one cared about. The words everyone has to look up in an online dictionary. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be an unknown poet, this is the poem you need to…
Newlywed Couple Fears That Honeymoon May Never End
SARASOTA, FL – GlossyNews.com — After nearly four years of marriage, Nathan and Jennifer Reed are starting to worry that their proverbial “honeymoon” might never end, despite several attempts to take each other for granted and argue over petty differences….
Matzo Ball Drowns In Its Own Soup
BROOKLYN, NY—Police found the remains of a 9-day-old Matzo ball in a Park Slope apartment building after neighbors complained about a strong odor coming from 40J. “It was the undeniable smell of chicken broth and parsley,” describes a downstairs neighbor,…
Nation’s Satirists Stumped by “Don’t Say Gay” Bill
NEW YORK, NY—Comedians and “Fake News” Correspondents across the nation have been unable to produce any suitable material to satirize Tennessee’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill that advanced in the state’s Senate last month. “It’s like they created the bill just…
State Sues for Intellectual Infringement in One Mississippi, Two Mississippi…
Jackson, MS- GlossyNews.com -Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi announced today that the State of Mississippi now claims all rights to the use of “Mississippi” between any number while counting out loud. In today’s press conference, the four-term governor said that…
Vermont Passes Immigration Law Aimed at Know-it-All Writers
Montpelier, VERMONT—Governor Peter Shumlin signed into law yesterday an Arizona-style bill to stop the immigration of know-it-all writers who are overcrowding the state’s MFA programs and forcing the state to create even more jobs that the writers are sure to…