As everyone knows, President Trump fails to grasp the danger of the coronavirus pandemic because nobody has bothered to explain it to him in ways he’ll understand.
Let’s listen in to an Oval Office conversation between the president and an anonymous aide who tries to guide the most powerful person on earth through the basics of the crisis.
“Mr. President, scientists can predict the number of people the virus will infect.”
“How? Those swampies and their elite science bullshit. They don’t got a gold gut like me.”
“They use what they call an exponential curve.”
“A WHAT? Owwww! Goddamn it! My brain is burning!”
“Sir, allow me to explain: you know the perfect county Republican Party chairpersons who replaced the deep state so-called experts you fired from the CDC? God revealed to our people that every infected person passes the disease to two other persons – “
“That’s fake news! I am God and nobody told me that shit!”
“Sir, you are God the Son. God the Father blessed your loyalists with that Divine Truth.”
“I’m sick of that Father son-of-a-bitch getting all the press. I’m going to fire that motherfucker!”
(Waiting for the thunderbolt to strike) “Sir, if we can get back to the pandemic.”
“Alright, so what? One sick loser infects two other losers.”
“Look at it this way, sir. Suppose you grab one pussy and, in gratitude, she shares the name of two other girls and you grab their pussies. And each one names two more pussies.”
“Fuck! That’s four pussies, then eight, then sixteen, then thirty-seven… That’s a lot of goddamn pussies! They’ll be lined up around the White House. Now what about that vaccine bullshit.”
“Mr. President, the coronavirus without a vaccine to stop it is like having an open border with Mexico. Rapists, murderers, and cannibals can pour into America killing and eating our citizens while Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi dance naked in the forest with Satan.”
“I’m going to nail those two cocksuckers.”
“However, a vaccine will stop the viruses cold like your mighty Trump Wall saves our Glorious Nation from those smelly brown evildoers. Bless you, President Donald John Trump, for your stupendous genius and mountains of guts. May I lick the dust off your shoes, sir?”
“Naw, today is Attorney General Barr’s day. Sorry. There’s a sign-up sheet on the bulletin board. We’re throwing a mass ass kissing party for myself next Sunday. We can probably squeeze you in. Is that it about the virus? I’m getting bored.”
“Yes, Mr. President, just one more thing. The vaccine won’t be ready for a year. It’s like the Democrats, who throw feces and urine at our warfighters. hold up funding for your beautiful wall. Meanwhile, MS-13 thugs with tattoos of Chuck Schumer on their faces will continue to slaughter and defile our precious white women by the hundreds of thousands.”
“That’s disgraceful. Hannity said these brown turds eat our sweet little white children, too. Strip them and eat them raw. Millions of them. It’s disgusting. Tell the Border Patrol to mow down all those filthy migrants. Kill them all. Fuck the Constitution. By the way, when do I tee off?”
“Two-thirty, sir.”
“Clear the course of those fucking reporters. Use the flamethrower.”
“Anything else, Mr. President?”
“I’ve been thinking: I’ve been good to God, haven’t I?”
“Oh, yes, yes, yes!”
“Work that into the campaign. Oh, yeah, tell Ivanka I’m free tonight.”